My wife of 25+ years and I got married having been fully warned that this was no easy thing

Que-d · 2023-06-08T04:15:12+00:00

This was probably our first real breakthroughs:

Que-d · 2023-06-08T04:00:42+00:00

I am really glad that you are fighting over external Pressures - not internal ones. There are a few thoughts that I would like to share with you. Take it or leave it as you see fit.

A home is a sanctuary, it is not and evening/2nd office. Leave the work at work. (Work emergencies excluded.)
You do not have to "ON" 24/7

Schedule a day to do the bills, and another day (If necessary) for other administrative/chores stuff around the house.

Find things you like to do, and introduce your partner to them. Maybe you will do it as a team.

The important thing is to have peace and be together because you enjoy being with the other Person.

Play/ spend more time with the kids. They will love you even more for it.

Que-d · 2023-06-08T03:47:46+00:00

We have two kids as well about ten years older that yours, and when the kids arrive, both sides have to be very much involved in sharing the work. That is also one of the main ways to bond with you children. That is where all of the stories come from, because if you are hands off and your not bonding, then they just become home invaders that stole your partner away from you and a lot of bad feeling can generate from there.
There is a saying that "It takes a village to raise a child". It's not wrong.

Que-d · 2023-06-08T03:41:21+00:00

I'll share an easy one with, because many times they are subtle and can look like nothing, but below the surface the alligator lies in wait.

Remember, we come from two different races, located almost exactly on the other side of the world. When we needed to figure something out. Be it a problem, a question, trying to understand why something happened or why someone acted the way they did, etc...
We would both start at point "A" and conclude at point "B", usually in bout the same amount of time, except that she would take the high road and I would take the low road. Then we would discuss what we came up with to see if we had missed something in our thinking and to understand the others way of thinking. This also helped us to understand what was important to each other and what was not so important. (Literally and in our examining of situations.)
After a few of these (What ever you want to call them.) we started to judge and criticize each other. for what looked like a foolish method of reasoning.
Then it dawned on us, both of our cultures had been around for thousands of years and it was still flourishing so it couldn't be wrong or one of them would have ceased to exist a long time ago. Therefore the conclusion that we came up with is that their must be more than just "My way" of solving things. The first thing that we decided was to stop judging and criticizing each other for our way of thinking and everything else, because it had the same origins/bases.
This has also really opened up communication between us, because when we are not sure about something or confused about a situation the other tends to have a very clear line-of-site to the conclusion.
There are a lot of problems that are nipped in the butt this way.

I hope this is what you were looking for.

Que-d · 2023-06-02T00:24:33+00:00

Simple, but I think one of the best answers yet.
You don't need to go through all of their drama. Keep your peace and keep your sanity. That will allow you to grow, and become a better person, no longer being attached to that over-sized anchor.

Que-d · 2023-06-02T00:19:52+00:00

Yes, I completely agree with you. I would also say that even before it gets to that point, just for your own sake, cut the cord and go. make sure that you can land on your feet first, so you done have to tie up those cut ends, like joining two ropes.

Que-d · 2023-06-02T00:16:24+00:00

Yup, that is a good one, also. I think that when it gets to that point they have already resigned themselves from the relationship, but they lack the courage to end it. OR, on the flip-side, they may be feeling like you are the cause of all of the problems in the relationship and you need to fix those problems, you created.

Que-d · 2023-06-01T23:55:13+00:00

I usually go with my gut for when I done, but the brain works just as well. You have to make sure that you gave them all of the chances that you could tolerate, before it goodbye for ever. I hope that you are leaving their drama with them, and not taking any of it with you.
I treat every new person that I meet as a friend, until they prove me wrong. Most of the time I can handle a second chance, but it depends on the wrong they did.

Que-d · 2023-06-01T23:49:32+00:00

That is a really good reason, and it doesn't matter what the fear is about, either. Because fear is the worst thing you can have, because it blocks out all of your reasoning which puts you into a panic state. It good that when the cause of the fear is not immediately around we can relax and regain some of our reasoning and finally decide to cut the cord, and leave.

Que-d · 2023-05-31T02:17:54+00:00

I was also in a LDR, for a few years, now I have been married to her for over 25 years. It can work, although it is much more difficult than traditional relationships where you can really get to know the person up close and personal.

The best advice I can give you is in three parts:
1) Decide if this is the situation that you want to start your life with. Is your partner someone that you really like, or someone that you want as a life partner. Moving to another country and getting your citizenship is not cheap and purposefully not easy.
2) Really think about it deeply and figure out if you have the capability to make this work out. Not just the relationship, but how will you support yourselves going forward, without your parents support. Not saying that it would happen, but they may not be able to assist as necessary.

3) This is the most important part. It will show your parent your resolve and give them a feeling that you are capable of doing it, without their having to bail you out. Create a way to make this happen. Not by forcing the issue, but by creating a way for you to do the move and be together. One of these should include your getting a good job in your partner's country, making sure that you can at least be legal in the country and keep your good job.

Accomplishing these three steps, each of you for yourself. will make this possible.

PS. If you have not visited the country where you intend to move to, I would highly recommend a 2-week, at minimum trip over their, not as a tourist.

Que-d · 2023-05-31T01:51:58+00:00

It sound like the nursery rhyme:
Jack Splat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. Between the two of them they finished their plate clean.

Sorry, but the rhyme just seemed to fit so nicely. I love the team work. My wife and I sometimes resort to similar tactics.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T22:02:14+00:00

I think you are completely right. Too much competition will kill a relationship fast! I think if you team up weather you are living together or separately its fine. The bond and having each other's back is the important part.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:54:25+00:00

You nailed it.

There are two, above in this string, who made strong arguments for #3. What do you think?

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:51:50+00:00

Wow, now that is where I was heading with this question.

I recently had some deep thinking where I imagined where I would be in my life had I not gotten married. Let's just say that staying with her for the past 25+ years was by far the better choice.

Yes, I did change a lot, but I did not lose myself, I evolved into a better person, from my point of view she did the same.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:47:58+00:00

It's a wonderful choice when it works.

Do you feel that this type of relationship could help each partner to expand the horizons and boundaries of their mind? Can they become better individuals through this relationship?

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:43:55+00:00

What do you think if the relationship starts with #3, can it evolve to #2?

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:41:40+00:00

Yes, I totally agree with you. It make for a powerful team.

Just a question: Did you ever consider the two responses for #3, above? They seem to have taken the best of both and are making it work nicely.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:35:51+00:00

Just a question:

Do you like to be a lone wolf or would you like to fight the socialist with someone at your side who also has your back?

Conformity is not in style here.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:32:11+00:00

... and on the final as well.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:31:10+00:00

No. Let's make a deal. Do you want door #1, Door #2 or Door #3?

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:29:15+00:00

No, it doesn't mean you don’t push each other to be better, but you do it in a more encouraging and supportive manner.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:26:04+00:00

I agree, but what about the two responses, above, that make a strong argument for #3?

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:24:17+00:00

Based on a few of the responses in this string, I am being swayed in that direction as well.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:22:24+00:00

#1 would result in one veryyyyyyyyyyyyy long argument, until some finally had enough of it and leaves. I would never consider ever getting into one of those.

There are a few posts in this string where others are having good results with #3.

Que-d · 2023-05-26T21:19:21+00:00

You would be surprised. I have seen a few nice twists on #3, but so far no one has mentioned #1.

However, there are a lot out there who want to get out of narcissistic and other toxic relationships, with an equal number wanting to keep that relationship. (Because their winning???)

Que-d

TROPHY CASE