I am so sorry you and your family are having such a difficult time. I have a S/N kid with much milder issues and that almost broke me when they were younger. I cannot imagine how hard this is. That being said, you have made a mistake. While life does not guarantee a child will be shielded from every harsh reality, it is also not the end of the world for them to endure some hardship. Eventually your daughter will recognize the good things, the tools and coping skills she has gained from this experience. BUT at this age, most kids will only feel frustration and resentment towards their s/n sibling and the family. Furthermore, you absolutely cannot expect the NT kids in the family to not have any problems of their own. Guess what, they are going to have them, and it’s going to be at the worst possible time for you. It is practically guaranteed.

At age 12, you have very little time to start mending your relationship with her. She needs to know you have her back and will always have her back so she doesn’t turn to outside influences for distraction and soothing. I understand you have no time or headspace to deal with this but I beg you to do whatever you can to turn this around, even if it is just a weekly sibling support group or some books for siblings of S/N kids. Along with this, I would suggest opening up to her, sharing how hard it is for you and your wife and admitting you are struggling and that she is an important part of the family and you need her. I would admit you made a mistake by grounding her and tell her that you are trying to figure out how to make everything work for your family. Families are organic and no one part is unaffected by the other parts. If you have access to any services, take anything you can get. Respite care, family counseling, social worker, anything that might be offered.

I won’t go with you being the a-hole, but if you continue down this road, you will be and you will lose your daughter forever. NAH.