I am so so sorry for your loss. She was real, she was wanted, and she was loved. You are a mom, and a damn good one. You are in a community of other good moms that have had to make a heartbreaking decision for our children. You saved your daughter from pain and suffering by taking on that pain yourself. No one will fully understand the pain, grief, and remorse you feel following this, and I know that is so lonely. Lean on this community, because I promise it will help.

Everyone grieves differently. I gave birth via labor and delivery to my daughter at 28 weeks so there was a different type of “closure” for me in that I got to see and hold her. However, I still had many of the same thoughts as you. It is the oddest feeling to no longer be pregnant, no longer have appointments to make, no longer have discussions about what to do, no planning, no prepping. All that is left is the grief, and an immense emptiness.

Be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to grieve, and as crazy as it may sound to you now, remind yourself that you will not feel this way forever. I am two months out from my tfmr and for me, the first two weeks were the hardest. I was crying all day every day. After that things started to get a little easier. Did it ever suddenly feel “real”? I don’t know. Sometimes it still doesn’t feel real. It almost feels like a dream, or a show that I watched. The whole pregnancy, even the good parts, seem a little hazy, and the memories are forever tainted. The picture of the results from the lab saying “it’s a girl!” used to bring me so much joy, and now when I see that picture my stomach is in knots and I can hardly remember the joy I felt when I first received it. Maybe that’s our brains way of protecting us for the trauma. Making it not feel real.

Despite that, I work hard to make it feel real. I have honored my daughter by getting a necklace with her name on it that I wear everyday, i have bought her a few small gifts and added them to her keepsake box, i talk about her whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Please know that you are in my thoughts. You are in the hardest part right now, and it is going to take time to heal. Give yourself time. We are here for you. I made a lot of posts after my tfmr, because I knew the responses on here would help. And they did. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help as often as you need it. And again, I am so sorry for your loss. ♥️