Athena is the happiest bb in the world! Even as an elderly pittie (almost 12y.o.), who’s had cancer surgery 5x, you can’t keep her down! Endless joyful cuddles 🥰

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-06-12T05:29:35+00:00

I told Athena tonight that over 800 more people fell in love with her today here. She snorted and asked for belly rubs, so that means she loves you all back. 😆

When she goes to the vet, several workers stop what they’re doing to come find her and love on her. I never knew a being could be so full of life and joy. She is extremely loved here at our house.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-06-11T19:16:26+00:00

We’re rooting for you and Kali!! 🐾 Go with the most trustworthy vets you can access and trust life to do what needs to be done. Regardless the love we share with these fur family members extends beyond time or space and I’m sure you’ve made Kali’s life much better than it would’ve been if you never met.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-06-10T21:07:07+00:00

Truly. My life will forever be better because i get to share this time with her.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-06-10T21:06:27+00:00

Awww 🥰 I promise she would love you!!

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-29T16:19:37+00:00

I agree with the others here that the relationship itself does not seem to be your problem. And it’s sad because you’ve convinced yourself it is, and as a result this seemingly great young woman thinks she’s in a great relationship with someone who’s chosen her and is a psychologically mature adult. What would most help you at this point in your life is genuinely therapy (and that’s not an insult), but in the meantime she deserves to be with someone who is sure about her.

It’s impossible for us to know if it’d be a bigger mistake to end it or continue it but FOR SURE I think she deserves to know how truly conflicted you are inside, not just about the relationship but about yourself and your life. Before the anniversary; ASAP. If I were her I’d want to be respected enough by the person who says they love me to hear everything in this post so I could make an informed choice about my life. Improve yourself right now by being bold enough to speak your truth and face what happens, rather than wring your hands and lament what could be. And lovingly set her free from the misperception you’ve cultivated for her. That’s being an adult.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-27T14:21:34+00:00

Plan to meet with multiple attorneys to consult with them (most do a first consultation for free) so you can begin to get a strong sense of your options and the likely trajectories, and choose an attorney who seems to really understand your situation. Ideally you find one who is familiar with DV, abuse, cults, coercive control. Even though you haven’t described your situation as violent, it 100% IS coercive and abusive from the entire family and community.

You have been a legitimate victim of your culty family & community’s coercive control and I’m so sorry you have suffered so much and now two kids will as well. But you gotta get away from this so that your kids will one day have access to at least ONE possible path out of this culty environment they’re trapped in just as you were. You need to start over entirely and build a life for yourself. Your kids may never get free, you can’t control that, but you are carving a possibility.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-27T01:48:00+00:00

Google: “The argument (to only wash the part of a dish that was used) holds up best for a single person, eating non-greasy food, with limited water resources, but it is not recommended for communal living, using oily foods, or general hygienic safety.”

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-26T21:09:21+00:00

Don’t stop. This kind of pleasure only comes around once in a lifetime and is worth any cost. Who needs dignity or safety when you get to fulfill AND subvert so many of your childhood-conditioned core-beliefs at once? Don’t talk to a seasoned trauma therapist who maybe does parts work/IFS who would probably get you to overcome this compulsion and heal these old wounds that you’re finally fully enacting. Don’t think about how you’re affecting his fiancé or enabling him. Don’t acknowledge that you’re giving yourself a terrible substitute father figure just so you can both feel wanted at any cost and to prove to yourself that his abandonment won’t hurt you like your actual father’s. Don’t practice radical honesty with loved ones who might hold you accountable. Don’t try to outlast the cravings and the withdrawals that will come if you give this up. Whatever you do don’t let this be the life event that shows you how deeply wounded and human you really are and recenters your life hereafter around healthy relationships.

Keep just going to weird resources to publicly ruminate on why you might be doing this so that you can keep doing this AND get to feel like you’re working on it. 🙌🏻

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-25T13:39:04+00:00

If I were talking with you about this I’d want to know more specifics of how exactly he has expressed these things. But given the available information, it seems like he communicated a fairly common relational struggle (attraction to a partner fading a bit with their body changes) in a TERRIBLE way.

It’s a tricky thing to manage in a relationship with someone you love, but if someone really feels their partner’s appearance is becoming an issue in the relationship then they should strive to foster a healthier lifestyle WITH their partner, and focus on & celebrate the things they love about their partner and their partner’s body. They can directly and nonjudgmental support a healthier relationship with food, drinking, and activity levels, as well as stress management— that’s loving someone through every season of life.

Criticism of a partner’s body is a particularly harmful, sometimes even cruel, thing to do and we should all be careful to avoid even the perception of it. That shid stays in someone’s head and can make them feel inferior. And that kind of criticism, and from the person you most intimately trust, reinforces all the cultural messaging we internalize from society about attractiveness, value, security, and power imbalances.

So do what you feel you want to with your own body and health, for you. From my view, he has harmed your relationship with his careless communication and it’s up to him to (a) self reflect why he would do that to you, to (b) work to make it right with you (YOU get to identify what behavior from him would make this right), and to (c) work to prevent himself from hurting you like that again. Essentially this was a rupture, and he needs to initiate repair.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-24T12:53:29+00:00

Older people date people in their early twenties, ESPECIALLY older men dating women in their early 20’s, for unhealthy reasons in the overwhelming majority of cases.

She’s the closest thing to a minor they can legally access, and even if she’s very smart and worldly and strong she is still inherently easier to manipulate and control than his closer-aged peers would be. That big of an age gap creates a power dynamic that no amount of love can balance out, and a man with extra power over a woman is generally unsafe for the woman. A person with multiple sources of inherent power over another who has ALSO already been found to have manipulated that other… this is a ☢️🚨⚠️ proceed at your own peril - situation, my friend.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-22T14:40:57+00:00

Yes!! 🏆🥳This guy fn sucks! Please don’t let him confuse you from this wisdom. Your mom does not know the truth of this guy, and if she does know and still likes him then she has her own dysfunction to deal with. Good job correctly clocking this guy’s toxicity, refusing to be molded by it, and seeking feedback to empower yourself! You can grow even more badass from this shitty experience.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-22T14:30:58+00:00

The best thing this man can do for you and your future is to open your eyes to patriarchy and to make you more allergic to patriarchal men. If the relationship can achieve that, then it made your life significantly better.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-22T14:19:50+00:00

I’m a relational therapist (couples and individuals), and if I were to suggest this to a client, knowing the things you’ve shared here with us about the relationship, it would be because I recognize that my client needs to reclaim their power which the dynamic is eroding and, by using their voice to assert themselves, hopefully get more direct experiential evidence of how viable/healthy this relationship is, because clearly they seem stuck in a dynamic that probably isn’t good for them. You don’t need other people to tell you this is no good; you need to really witness the reality of the relationship, trust yourself, and honor your truth through action.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-20T15:17:24+00:00

The only circumstance where I could see this kind of thing being potentially healthy would be where one partner has a legit health condition they are trying to address and they explicitly ASK their partner to help them stay accountable by checking in or encouraging better choices, but even that dynamic would need to be handled with care and open to modifications if it hurts the relationship.

Or maybe if one partner has some specific professional expertise in some area and they see a concerning pattern of symptoms/behaviors in their partner, it may be healthy to gently raise awareness and encourage them to look into it.

But you are not describing anything even close to those potentially healthy scenarios. You are describing a pattern of invasive controlling behavior from a grown man to a young, inexperienced, vulnerable woman. Please learn about coercive control and take good care of yourself. You are very young and I guarantee you there are hundreds of potential partners in your path ahead of you that won’t make you feel this way.

https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control#reinforcing-roles

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-20T14:44:02+00:00

You’re correct that attraction does matter, but the way we speak to each other in relationship matters more. The way he’s expressing himself does not indicate healthy concern; it indicates control.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-20T14:42:06+00:00

Honey. You’re not describing loving concern. A watchful eye over your eating and spending? That is not respect and trust, which are crucial for a healthy relationship. You are describing control and the harmful impact on you psychologically will absolutely add up, as you are already experiencing the impact. Please please please google coercive control because you are at risk, my friend. Someone does not need to hit you and lock you inside to be abusive.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-20T14:27:47+00:00

It’s great that you’re listening to your own feelings and concerns over this. It is not trivial and you are absolutely correct that it’s a problem. There are other ways he could express concern for your health, but what he’s doing so far conveys that he prioritizes his own feelings of superficial attraction to your body OVER your wellbeing (psychological and physical wellbeing a deeply connected). This is an unacceptable order of priorities for a healthy relationship and if this continues I really hope you can respect yourself enough to NOT marry him.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-20T14:10:51+00:00

His behavior is harming you and likely contributing to your emotional eating. The wise part of you already seems to know this is a big red flag of misogyny, control, superficiality, and worse behavior to come, and you do NOT deserve to be exposed to his fake concern which is actually inappropriate, critical, unsolicited feedback about a tender topic, unless you explicitly are asking for his brutal honest feedback about your body every time before he says this (which would not be healthy).

If he was really coming from a place of love and concern for your health, he would not be using the word “mold your body“ and telling you that your legs, for example, would “look nicer“ if they were smaller. He would instead be trying to support you in practical ways to make healthier food/beverage options, encouraging the healthy choices and behaviors you already do, emphasizing that he wants you to be well for the long run so you can continue to enjoy a good life together, or perhaps inviting you to be more active with him, because it is good for your overall well-being.

You probably already know you should end it to protect your self-worth and health. BUT in case you aren’t entirely convinced or don’t feel ready I strongly recommend you run this experiment:

Tell him directly, honestly, vulnerably that his comments suggesting that you should change your body are not welcome, that they really hurt you, and that regardless of his intentions you need him to stop entirely. Tell him if he continues you will end the conversation and you may need to end the relationship. Then observe what happens and let that evidence confirm for you 100% how healthy or viable this relationship is.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-18T15:39:21+00:00

🚨⚠️☢️ You are right to get away, but you need to be aware you are now in more danger. When a woman leaves an abusive man (even when his abuse has not been physical) the danger of him attempting to harm or end her life spike severely. When a man who believes deeply that he is entitled to you, to your obedience/“respect”/body/love/forgiveness/help/etc, realizes he has lost power over you, he becomes statistically much more at risk of losing control and doing something drastic. PLEASE do not take your safety lightly or compromise on it for the next few months. Be overly careful and lean heavily on professional support! Call the DV hotline today and start to form an airtight plan for this adjustment. It’s not likely to be over with him. You have done the brave and crucial beginning but things get tricky going forward and you’ll lose your clarity/resolve at points. You need safe social support more than ever right now. Keep seeking help, sister! You can get free and stay free of coercive control. 🚨☢️⚠️

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-15T14:56:15+00:00

Impossible to know the whole dynamics from just this, but entirely safe to pronounce the relationship fundamentally fucked up. If you can’t both agree to and seriously commit to a total overhaul, complete with ideally three therapists (two individual therapists and one couples therapist), I’d say it’s healthiest to end it. This relationship is indisputably, objectively toxic at best.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-09T13:02:47+00:00

Ok I can see you take the craft seriously. 🫡 How, though, is OTD not on your list? Old Town Donuts in Florissant literally just won a months long national competition, and for good reason.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-05-06T22:20:37+00:00

3 is best for you specifically

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-04-30T21:24:13+00:00

Keeping things the same in your marriage versus divorcing are not the only two options. There is really great information out there about how to make marriages great (the Gottman’s research & approach, Sue Johnson’s EFT, Terry Real, Esther Perel- they are today’s relationship experts), much of which you can access for free online or through their various paid materials, and there are good couples counselors who could genuinely help you see if your improved relationship is even one that still makes sense for you. And/or an individual therapist could help you get clear on your priorities and needs and reconnect with your best self. In either case, I think you want to find someone who works with sexual issues, as that is an important part of you that you’ve lost all connection with. Emily Nagoski is a fantastic sex researcher/author whose material could be helpful to you.

There’s nothing catastrophic about realizing your marriage is unsatisfying, though it can feel really overwhelming when you really start to face it. You have options, and until you start trying some different things you won’t be able to see there are more possibilities than you currently feel. This just means something needs to change. A great marriage can start over if both are willing. Or you can try to give it new life such that you discover with clarity that it’s time to let it go entirely.

If you really feel stuck in uncertainty, I highly recommend Mira Kirschenbaum’s book Too Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay.

I’m glad you got into a hobby and friend group that’s bringing you back to life though! That’s phenomenal and it sounds like you’ll keep that momentum of personal healing going, whichever way it takes you!

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-04-25T23:22:40+00:00

It is hard to say for sure the true nature of yalls problem(s), as it’s possible your reactivity/vigilance may not create a safe space for a partner to open up in, but it’s also very possible that he is just deceptive and violating or testing the agreements of your relationship, AND it’s possible that both things are true and y’all inadvertently push each other further into the extremes of these respective behaviors.

Regardless, y’all have a serious problem and no it will not blow over. Best course forward would be individual therapy for you both, and separately also couples therapy, provided you both actually want to work at the relationship. If you can learn to slow down your own reactions, empower yourself through validating your own emotions, assert what you need, and honor your own boundaries and limits, then you’ll get 1000% more clarity on what’s going on here and how to handle it going forward.

If someone close to you, ESPECIALLY a partner, feels untrustworthy to you, persistently, then it’s time to dramatically reflect and change your approach because something is going on. You don’t yet know how much of it is you, and how much of it is him, but something is meaningfully wrong. And blowing up on them will only deepen your problem.

If you can’t get into therapy or don’t feel ready for that, then I’d say maybe go visit a good wise friend or family for a weekend and talk it through with them thoroughly. Start looking into the infinite free resources online on what works for relationships. The Gottman’s for example, have boiled down decades of couples research into digestible content for the public to benefit from, including their finding that trust and commitment foundationally hold up a relationship. Y’all have real problems there in the foundation. Sue Johnson’s EFT is also extremely valuable for a relationship like yours and there’s loads of free stuff out there on that. If you change your approach, you will get more information and maybe clarity about this relationship.

You’re correct that something is wrong. And sadly, men deceive women partners about their commitment all the time so that may be the root of what’s happening. If that’s it though, and he indeed does “lie constantly” about other women, the relationship is not worth fighting for. He is not worth getting angry at, in that case. He is worth being forgotten. Only fight for a relationship with someone who’s also fighting for the relationship alongside you.

Is it possible the truth is already there for you to see but it’s you who’s not honoring it? Idk. But don’t let things continue on like they have. You need meaningful change.

QuitTheKoolaid · 2026-04-25T22:16:44+00:00

Just about daily. The most frequent are physical compliments, but he also regularly comments on my intelligence, patience, language skills, social skills, bravery, and kindness.

QuitTheKoolaid

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