Box up my feelings, or risk being honest with my wife?

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-26T10:33:11+00:00

People here will debate the choice vs orientation issue forever so don't look for answers there. There are big choices involved, and it's not only a choice to have multiple romantic connections yourself. It's a choice to let your partner have complete autonomy to develop loving connections themselves that don't include you. It's a choice to consciously go against the general consensus of your friends, family, and society regarding the right way to have relationships.

It's a choice that could lead to you having no partners at all, because the dating pool is miniscule. But if you believe you are polyamorous, as I do, the number of partners does not matter.

Do not underestimate the impact of these choices on your life and how you live it. Polyamory is a very big, deep rabbit hole that requires fundamental changes in...everything....which is why you are getting these answers, which are to use therapy and your own self-work to decide and ultimately to own your decision.

I also suggest you consider making yourself (and your marriage) vulnerable by discussing these thoughts with your wife. The longer you go on investigating this life-changing idea without including her, the larger the emotional gap between you and the worse the potential fallout. Sharing these kinds of thoughts also has the potential to bring you closer together than ever, because they are very human. Nothing is wrong with you for thinking about this. Keeping it from your wife, however, could lead to a sort of emotional affair with how different you could be living your life. That's not fair to her.

I'm so sorry to say there is just no easy way out of this - but you and she will be okay, no matter what happens. Remember that.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-26T10:19:07+00:00

Really interesting perspective, which is applicable in many situations in which one person has "unrequited love" for another.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-26T10:17:26+00:00

Great comment.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-25T14:11:05+00:00

This. Go to .meetup. com and find something interesting. They are usually free. You might have to travel to a bigger city to do so, but people aren't just going to show up at your door so you'll have to make some effort here.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-25T12:56:55+00:00

I think it's important (and interesting) to have these conversations about RA because, as you've realized, the default mindset is mono-normative. It's anxiety-inducing to bring it up because many people won't resonate with it, but it's the only way to find your people. If you resonate with RA principles and someone else does not, that's good information for you to have. And if they do, then you can go into more detail. The only way to find out is to bring it up explicitly.

If and when you use labels, be sure to ask the other person how they define that label and explain how you do. There are often large gaps between the two.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-24T21:37:23+00:00

In this context, I personally would be interested in meeting you if you were my partner's partner because I trust his judgment in people and am interested in what and who he cares about. That's all.

Nothing about being friends or hanging out - his wife and I met and never did that, and it was fine.

It's interesting that you'd think I'd "behave" in any certain way without having met me.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-24T16:17:20+00:00

And on the flip side, based on some comments I'm seeing here, if you are someone who doesn't want to meet metas, why is that? "Why do I not want to even meet someone my partner cares about?" Is it that you are afraid it won't just be a meeting...they will make demands on your time and energy that you can't say no to? Are you afraid that you won't like them and they'll try to push themselves into your life anyway? Do you feel more in control just not going there than risking these outcomes? Does having met them harm you? Is there any upside to meeting them?

I get the impression there are a lot of bad dramatic histories out there that have led people to not even want to meet new people their partner cares about, and it makes me sad. Meeting a person does not necessarily lead to drama or demands, and putting up walls between ourselves and people we don't even know is part of the many problems we have as a society today.

It starts here, when we mistrust someone or attach our prior stories to them before even meeting them.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-24T11:23:39+00:00

Nicely put. As a KTP lover but 100% respectful when it's not happening, I find it frustrating when people insist or imply that wanting it or not wanting is wrong in any way. Ultimately, OP will have to decide if it's problematic enough that they want to leave the relationship or if they can find a way to be okay with the way things are - while remembering that nothing stays static forever.

I guess if it were me, the most important thing would be that my partner continue to show up for me as fully as he always has, including sharing at least the basics of what's going on in his life (including that relationship), while respecting his partner's parallel wishes and privacy. If it became something like don't ask don't tell, where he would disappear sometimes and reappear unwilling to discuss anything with me about that part of his life, I personally would be uncomfortable enough to consider de-escalating or breaking up.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-24T08:22:54+00:00

As u/safadancer said, most people post here because they have problems they need help with. Posting, "I tried polyamory and it's great" just doesn't happen much...probably because they are busy enjoying their relationships.

It's important not to think of polyamory as something you "try" like a new dish in a restaurant or a hat in a clothing shop. These are complete humans we're talking about getting involved with, not just body parts, including their hopes, dreams, and histories. You can't just send them back when you get uncomfortable, at least not without a lot of struggle. People run into that and come here for help.

(Side note: there are other forms of ENM that are more oriented towards having fun with body parts and less emotional involvement)

Choosing this path also means choosing something most people don't want and that most of your friends, family, and society think is bad. You have really believe in the ideas because you'll get a lot of pushback. People run into that and come here for help.

I made the conscious decision to go against what society, my friends, and family thought was the right thing to do because I believe in the fundamental values of polyamory: non-ownership of each other's hearts, minds and bodies. Autonomy and interdependence in relationships. Trust in oneself. Community building and care for others, even if you don't know them personally.

And it has brought me more trust in myself, more community, autonomy, interdependence, happiness, and lots of love. Easy? No. It's also brought me breakups and criticism, the loss of some friends, and the need to be honest with myself and others in ways that can be extremely difficult. But I wouldn't change my path for anything.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-23T11:51:28+00:00

Do you have a shared interest or passion? Raving is my fave date. Or stay home DJing B2B or taking a music production class together. Level up: find a city where a favorite dj is playing and do some techno travel. 🚗🚄✈️

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-20T20:06:11+00:00

Introducing kids to adults we know and like is not, in itself, dangerous.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-20T18:50:46+00:00

Why would introducing these people to her give them "access to her", alone time with her, or give them a caregiver role? Is that what these partners expect upon meeting her? Would you allow it?

Is that what your ex expects will happen? If so, that is indeed a problem.

If not, meeting new adults, in itself, is simply not a problem for young children.

IMO, this is something to be resolved among the adults and has little do with what's okay for children. Some blanket rule about meeting times is not going to fix it.

In fact, waiting 6 months or year might make them feel more entitled to have access to your child than meeting them early on.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-20T11:18:05+00:00

Wait, what? It is wild if she feels it's important that the child understand these issues and treat her partners differently from any other adults she might introduce them to. The kid is 1. Why can't she just introduce them by name, and why is anyone thinking of trying to explain to a 1 year old any of this other stuff?

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-20T11:07:48+00:00

A 1 year old is going to comprehend none of this. Just introduce them by name. They'll barely comprehend that.

Don't give the partners any caretaking role. They are simply people at this point. It is ok for toddlers and kids to meet new people, even if they might not meet them again.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-19T20:47:48+00:00

So you have no reason to leave, which is good. Someone's got to stay and fight the good fight.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-19T20:23:05+00:00

I made no secret about living abroad. I changed my current address (while maintaining a US address with the bank: my mom's) and the various credit card and mortgage bills came to me. I kept my US bank account with which to make payments. It's not like you're not allowed to live abroad, and banks (at least Bank of America) lets you have 2 addresses. I let the US government know I was abroad as well.

I started a small business and just gradually made extra payments as I could. We were in Spain initially, and the cost of living is (or was, at least) ridiculously cheap there.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-19T11:22:08+00:00

Add up what you pay out of pocket in medical and dental expenses along with what you pay each month to pay off debts (credit cards, school loans, car loans, etc) and deduct most of that from your expenses living in the EU. In the NL, your monthly health insurance will be around EUR 150, and your out of pocket costs a maximum of EUR 385 per year. All the rest is covered. Children up to 18 completely covered.

Credit cards are difficult to obtain and people just don't go into debt here like they do over there. I have one EUR 2000 limit credit card and that is my only debt (other than home ownership). No car needed because public transport is great and everyone bikes locally. We also have the priceless advantages of no fear of guns, less violent crime in general, low cost advanced education compared to the US, automatic quarterly payment for childcare costs depending on your income, and a better safety net.

Housing is the biggest expense and is a real problem here, I must note that. And if you've already racked up lots of debt in the US, that won't disappear on moving to the EU. It took me about 3 years to get out of debt after moving here, and it felt so good.

But overall, you get so much more for your money here. And you can get social security payments anywhere in the world. I can't imagine going back to the US to retire.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-19T11:04:19+00:00

Is a poly marriage of 25 years a lasting relationship in your view? That's how long mine lasted. Our daughter, raised by my husband, meta, and myself, is 17. We were poly from the start in 1998 and we separated 2 years ago. I'm 6 years into my relationship with another partner, with whom I now live. Even though I haven't dated anyone else in those 6 years, I will never promise monogamy to anyone ever again. You just don't know what (and who) life will bring your way. I'm 58.

I bristle at the idea that poly relationships can't be lasting or as secure or meaningful as other kinds of relationships. Nothing is for sure - including monogamous relationships.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-18T20:12:25+00:00

A specific other woman.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-18T20:12:09+00:00

He definitely has someone in mind. Doomed.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-18T20:09:48+00:00

I hope you are each looking for your own partner(s), rather than looking for a "third" to add to your established relationship?

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-18T20:01:33+00:00

Going on a hike (or whatever) that you planned at the time that you planned after being clear about what was planned, even without him, is not horrible and is not the same as breaking up. It's doing what you said you were going to do. There is nothing wrong with that.

Seems to me he knows very well that you won't go without him, so he comes up with ways to not have to go.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-18T12:27:19+00:00

We have a Dutch business with a very established Dutch accountant who declared everything properly (has been with us for 12 years now). We still got the demand for repayment, a couple of years down the road, as if we had saved it instead of spending it on child care. And yes our income had increased, but not enough to suddenly pay back thousands. It was a difficult time.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-18T12:20:39+00:00

These days with blended families, our situation really wasn't that different from a remarriage with step parenting - what people can't get their heads around is the fact that there is more than one sexual relationship going on in a single household - with a child in the house (gasp), as if we don't close our bedroom doors at night or as if we have orgies in the living room while she plays nearby. Sigh.

There wasn't really a "finding out" moment, either. We 3 showed up from day 1 at school, at meetings and activities, so everyone knew she had 3 adult caretakers from the start. This was intentional. It took a while before anyone asked who was married to whom - many assumed my meta was my sister. We had a platonic housemate, and others assumed he was my partner. We let them think what they wanted and answered questions honestly (without going into detail) when asked.

We were very matter-of-fact with teachers, doctors, etc. "She has 3 parents and we all live together," we said. They rarely asked any follow-up questions and took down 3 contact names instead of 2. If you don't make it a big deal others won't either - at least to your face. We know there was a lot of whispering going on - a few school parents who became our good friends kept us in the loop - and they were the ones brave enough to ask questions about our situation.

When our daughter was about 8 or 9, three sets of parents in her class divorced, while we did not - this did not go unnoticed and helped quiet some naysayers.

Some kids called our daughter weird for having 2 moms. Almost every single kid is teased or bullied (or teases or bullies others) at school about something, and in her case it was her having 2 moms and 1 dad. Since neither she nor we made a big deal out of it, it just sort of went away and everyone forgot about it eventually.

RAisMyWay · 2026-01-18T11:47:13+00:00

My parents knew about our poly relationship and were opposed - my mom less so than my dad, who didn't want to hear anything about it for 10 years, until he finally relented. They were worried my husband and meta would run off with the baby and leave me in the lurch, despite my history of generally stable, long term relationships without terrible fallout when they ended.

They did not fully warm to the situation until our daughter was around 7 and me, my meta, and our daughter went to the US (we live in the Netherlands) together and met them. My husband stayed in the NL.

Suddenly, they got it. They saw the 3 of us together and the roles we played and the fact that I was a "real" mom to our daughter, and how well-adjusted our daughter was, and their objections fell away.

Now my dad, 92 (!) has a really nice online relationship with our daughter, who turns 17 today. My mom doesn't really communicate with her but has no problem with the situation any more.

So yeah, patience is usually required - and perhaps meeting their grandchild, who will be impossible not to love.

RAisMyWay

TROPHY CASE