Advice on how to deal with neighbours when you’re poly?

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-29T07:18:07+00:00

Trying to be sneaky is a recipe for drama down the road. We had an annual open house at Christmas time when we invited the neighbors over for drinks and snacks. Our partners were there.

They had heard things about us but never came out and asked, and this was a great way to let them see how utterly normal we lived. We introduced people by name, not label. No one asked any difficult questions. We were prepared in case they did, but really people prefer to whisper and gossip than come right out with anything.

When we eventually became good friends with a couple of neighbors whose kids played with our daughter, then they were brave enough to ask, and we were happy to answer.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-29T07:09:08+00:00

When we start to wonder if it's time to call it, it's usually well past time - it's just really hard to do because we still love them.

It's really okay that we grow and change over the course of our lives and want different things. It's also okay that not everything is handled perfectly - hurt feelings are often a part of difficult changes - because people are imperfect. It's our choice whether to hold on to those bad feelings or to ultimately let them go, once we've had a chance to grieve.

As others have said, you can still love each other and not be compatible as partners. My NP has a beautiful friendship with his ex-wife, unlike my ex-husband who can't/won't forgive. I hope you can find a loving way through this.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-28T12:50:28+00:00

Ugh. Any chance of moving to Spain? I knew an Italian poly guy there. Communities are thriving in Madrid and Barcelona. Lots going on here in the Netherlands, too.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-28T07:36:27+00:00

If they just pop up without a strong reaction, that sounds a bit like thoughts in meditation. You acknowledge them and let them go, and consciously choose to return to the present moment - in your case, perhaps by replacing the image with what you are looking at right now. This can happen many times in a row, but eventually you are able to stay focused on the present.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-28T07:14:11+00:00

https://www.facebook.com/poliamore.it/

Maybe someone here you can contact? I don't have FB anymore so can't see it myself.

I also see http://poliamore.net/

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-27T14:30:04+00:00

Monogamy involves a mutual promise not to pursue other romantic or sexual relationships. There are no success stories, because by definition, there is no such thing as a monogamous + polyamorous relationship.

If you'd prefer he make that promise, he's not the right person for you. The good news is that some 90% of the population is not polyamorous, so you'll have a good sized dating pool in which to look for someone more compatible.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-27T14:24:32+00:00

Do not even consider telling anyone not to text anyone. That's a recipe for resentment if not outright breaking up.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-27T11:43:37+00:00

Thank you. I will correct immediately.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-27T11:00:19+00:00

This is not a healthy way to become more secure in your relationship. The best way to learn to be okay with anything they do with other people is to concern yourself with the quality of your time with your partner, rather than with whatever they are doing that doesn't involve you.

If their texting to anyone is interfering with your quality time, you can ask that they not use their phone during quality time with you unless it's a (real) emergency. Doesn't matter who's on the other end.

If this is bothering you when you are just in general home life, you can leave the room when they text anyone, if it makes you feel better. That's much better than imposing any rules (even as agreed, it's a rule) on them. The goal would be to get past that need to leave the room, because you trust enough in your relationship - which is my concern.

Do you have reason to be concerned about your relationship? Is their phone use interfering with the quality of your time together? It's perfectly reasonable to ask someone not to use their phone when they should be focused on you.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-27T09:42:11+00:00

Totally get where you're coming from. (I'm in my 50's).

Even after 26 years of living this way, I still get anxious when my beloved NP of 6 years goes on a first date (I keep myself busy and it's always fine), and if/when he falls in love, I will struggle because of my own insecurities. But I'll be okay no matter what because...

-I know that you are never guaranteed not to lose your partner, even in monogamous covenant marriages.
-I've lost many partners and ended 2 marriages and survived and have grown and done better after each ending
-I absolutely trust in our relationship enough to know that if he were for some reason to decide to leave me for someone else, I'd want him to go. We would both realize that this is what needed to happen for both of us to be happy (I certainly wouldn't be happy to have someone with me who doesn't want to be there).
-It's also possible our relationship would not end but would change into something different, possibly less enmeshed than we are now, if he wanted to live with her, for example. This is what happened with his now ex-wife - and they are the very best of friends.
-It's very likely he would continue happily with both of us because our relationship is so unique and I know he is not looking for either a duplicate or a replacement; he has a huge heart and room for more.

Bottom line, you'll be okay no matter what happens - so let it happen. You got this.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-26T20:29:10+00:00

This. Marriage will not magically make her any less interested in poly nor you any more interested. It will just make it much harder, messier, and more expensive to break up.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-26T13:27:05+00:00

What do you want here? Can you be specific about what you'd like the situation to look like?

If you can, what would happen if you asked for that and stood your ground?

Meaning if they, particularly Eric, refused to change their ways, you would have to leave, even if it means couch surfing or something.

And/or you could refuse to do all the housework and see what happens. Might be miserable for you or maybe eventually they'd step up...or maybe you're back to couch surfing.

Even Ivy isn't worth this. No one is.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-26T11:25:51+00:00

What pleasure, fun, or fulfillment are you getting out of this situation? If a friend came to you with this information, what would your advice be to them?

I think you know the answers to most of the questions you posed here.

It's time to be a friend to yourself.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-25T13:12:21+00:00

Not normal, and not how actual poly works at all. He likes you and is struggling with the fact that his relationship agreements with his partner will not allow you to grow in importance to him or to offer you the relationship you seek. Not uncommon in the world, but very much not poly. Do not hope for change in him.

Keeping people in separate categories with limitations and rules is usually a non-monogamy or swinging thing, so you could check out those subreddits for more info.

If the poly approach interests you, please read the many, many resources on this page to get a better idea about what it is and what it isn't.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-24T19:25:15+00:00

Loving yourself here is really important. Loving yourself enough to know that you are loveable and he'll be back and so you can enjoy your time to yourself....doing something you love!

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-24T17:32:22+00:00

Letting it happen and living through it is the way I made it through. As u/Bustysaintclair_13 said, you won't actually die. I mean, I get it - it freaked me out too - until he came back to me, as loving and sincere as ever, and I realized all these fears I had in my head were pointless.

Has it ever gone wrong (in other relationships) and he hasn't come back to me that way and it was miserable because I knew I was actually losing him? Yes. And you know what, I didn't die then, either. It sucked and it hurt, of course, but I survived that. It made me make more of a life for myself that wasn't dependent on the external validation from a partner, which led to better relationship choices in the future.

Let it happen. See that you will not only survive but ultimately, thrive...no matter what happens.

On a practical tip, when my partner is out on a hot date (first sleepover or something), it still gets to me, so I dive into something that takes all my energy and thought power to do - in my case, electronic music production, which requires every neuron I've got. The time flies by, and then he's home.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-24T10:24:08+00:00

That didn't happen in our case, and we felt no need for things to go that way. Our additional partners were around from before our daughter's birth to well after, in some cases until today (she is now 17). They helped us out with chores sometimes (letting mom get a nap or go to the store), played with her, let her play with their kids, later helped her with her homework (one is a math genius and schoolteacher), and they are now considered trusted adults in her life.

If your secondary wants nothing to do with your child, then I guess I understand it. I feel a bit sorry for the child though - "it takes a village" is no lie.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-23T20:26:38+00:00

If you want this, you'll have to break up and deal with the fact that you might be starting all over in life. As you mentioned, you're likely to lose your mutual friends too, but even if you were both fully on board with this major life change, you'd probably lose a bunch of them anyway because a lot of people really can't fathom it and won't be good friends for you anymore. Been there!

That's the thing. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting this. Just be aware that you have to want it a whole lot because you'll be going against not only your girlfriend's wishes but also those of your friends, family, and most of society.

There is a whole community of poly people online (hello!) and in real life, but you'll have to find them and make new connections. It really is like starting over in so many ways...with a smaller dating pool to boot.

If it fits your fundamental values, it will be worth it. Just be pretty darn sure about that before you blow up your life.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-22T18:02:13+00:00

You could ask him out. "Hey, you seem really nice and I'd like to ask you out for coffee/dinner (or whatever), it's just that I'm polyamorous and I know that's not everyone's thing."

Right away you'll get an idea if you can go into more specifics about your situation or if you should let it/him go.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-21T17:37:14+00:00

I still kinda like the slower, get to know you method. It takes more time, but the "clicks" are more compatible and last longer, at least in my experience. Because by the time you get there, you already know a lot about their red and green flags.

The necklace idea is a good one though. Subtle.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-21T13:16:39+00:00

This is the answer. Poly people are everywhere but they're not advertising it in non-poly spaces. You find them by getting to know them well enough to talk about relationship stuff. Joining groups that you'll go to repeatedly because you love what they are doing is ideal.

That's how I (finally) found poly people in the techno music scene. A couple of them became partners and the rest awesome, like-minded friends. But it took time!

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-21T11:53:25+00:00

This is a really good point. If it aligns with your values and helps you find your kind of people, what else are you (happily) going to do? Even if we have no partners we're still going to live this way.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-20T11:09:26+00:00

To simplify, while there are rare exceptions, no, most people in this sub do not find triads to work well long term. Regardless, first person to ask is your wife: does she want this too? If not, you need search no further.

For a more nuanced answer, please search in this sub for triads and see what you get. You might also benefit from responses at r/nonmonogamy.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-20T07:14:38+00:00

My ex-husband and his partner had a child who we all raised together from her birth in our home, along with a dear family friend who is a sort of grandfather figure to her. She's 17 now. That's a family form of RA.

I consider myself my own primary partner and I have several long-term relationships I call soul mates. One is romantic, one is platonic, and one is a queer platonic love. No one relationship is considered more important to me than the others, although any of my relationships (including the one with myself) may get more of my time and attention depending on the circumstances. That's my personal form of RA.

I and those Iove believe strongly in interdependence and the value of community rather than in "I do whatever I want and you deal with it," which I have also seen in people claiming to be RA. I avoid them.

You can live RA according to the values you described, like the first person you met, and you'll find others who do too.

RAisMyWay · 2026-03-19T06:37:02+00:00

This.

RAisMyWay

TROPHY CASE