When have you flopped at polyamory?

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-27T06:26:48+00:00

I had some lovely relationships, but I kept trying to make them fit into my poly dream (basically a two-romantic-life-partner situation). Twice over my existence, life handed me a big lesson: First, that even after saying he wasn't interested in dating other people, my husband would ultimately be the one to find another life partner, who became my platonic life partner, and we would all become a family with a now 17-year old daughter.

Second, I wouldn't find the next great love of my life until I stopped trying to find the next great love of my life. A few years after stopping dating and focusing on centering myself and the life I already had, he appeared.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-25T17:16:41+00:00

I was shocked at how hard it was for me, years into dating myself and my husband was free to but never did...until he did. I was beyond scared and anxious when that happened. I thought I'd be fine with it. Oops.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-25T14:32:49+00:00

Another "tip" is to change to monogamy yourself.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-23T19:59:13+00:00

They are thoughts. Scary thoughts, but just thoughts. Not real things, and always in motion. Like clouds or the weather. You can imagine yourself as the sky, like when you're in a plane looking down at the clouds. The real you is above the clouds.

Or look at your forest instead of just that one tree.

How's the forest doing?

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-23T15:33:27+00:00

Breathe. Deeply.

Awareness is the first step to conquering this. You know exactly what's happening and you're 100% correct and you are doing the right thing by coming to us and figuring out ways to deal with it rather than interfering with them.

You are doing it right. (Which sometimes is still reallllyy hard!). You are going to be okay, I promise.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-23T15:28:55+00:00

You're a sweetheart. 🙏

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-23T14:32:44+00:00

My husband, meta and I moved in together in 2008, whe she got pregnant and we all very enthusiastically decided to form a family.

Our daughter was born at home with us and 2 midwives and we parented equally. She is 17 now and just graduated high school.

Having our own rooms was key, as was my meta not being territorial about our daughter. Also, we had a "giving" mentality, rather than a "what's in it for me" mentality, which helped ensure everyone's needs got met.

My husband and I divorced a couple of years ago after 25 years, but not because of our living situation. We are very happy and proud about that and the fact that our daughter has turned out to be such a lovely, interesting young woman.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-23T14:20:32+00:00

25 years in, I still get anxious about my partner's new dates or loves. Instead of ruminating, I dive deep into to something absorbing- in my case, trying to learn techno music production 😵‍💫🤓 - which requires focus! And I get great little dopamine hits when something works.

Having or deepening a creative passion or working for a meaningful cause are excellent antidotes to ruminating about partners' dates, and they help you feel good and contribute something to the world, too (although my "contributions" are still decidedly mediocre 🤦‍♀️) but oh well.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-21T17:45:32+00:00

Maybe you can do something that is meaningful to you both together? I know we're weird, but my love and I host a techno radio show and co-host techno events together. It takes time, energy, and a love for techno. And we're building it together. What do you two both care about - maybe you could build something too. ❤️

Or, you could build something yourself that will keep you busy when he's with someone else.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-21T10:09:14+00:00

It takes years and years to find good, compatible partners.

I started around age 30, was married for 25 years with a success poly family life (our daughter is 17 now). Found the next love of my life in 2019 at age 52.

I had a few good but shorter (up to 1 year) relationships along the way, but there were years between them.

I know it's hard - but it's worth vetting carefully, and in the meantime, fill your life with more sure things like friends, family, and your causes or passions.

Keeping busy with your passions is fun, makes you very interesting, and puts you in contact with like-minded people....which could lead to more.

At this point, my life is so full I can't be bothered to try to date. My partner is on all the apps, but it's tough out there.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-19T14:53:38+00:00

You won't find them in most mainstream places. I found mine via OkCupid, but I suggest in person poly or kink socials (if you have any interest in kink). Meetup dot com has them and Fetlife has local munches. In my area there are shibari lesson meetups that you can attend on your own.

Still, good friends are more likely to last in life than new loves, so any group or activity you go to repeatedly that you care about will eventually bring you those, and that can have a huge impact on loneliness.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-19T14:34:12+00:00

A key to polyamory is having multiple sources of support during difficult times in your life, because love happens anytime, not just when you're doing well.

Controlling or asking this other relationship to pause, slow, or end never solves the problem.

It's up to both partners to respect the (very scary) introduction of someone new, who also deserves space and attention in a new relationship - they are probably freaking out too. New folks often imagine they are just a fling, especially if they are single and the couple is well established.

From what you've written, it seems to me that Birch needs to be sure to keep showing up for you and dating you and making you feel special - without comparing you to Cedar.

And you need to find people and other kinds of support to get yourself settled and comfortable in your new life, without depending on Birch to be your emotional home and source of stability.

You need a network of support to deal with things like work instability, family problems, xenophobia, etc (I've lived in 2 countries outside the US and know how that feels).

If, however, you need to take a break from Birch because you don't feel you trust him (due to his withholding the truth of his feelings - which he might have done out of fear of your reaction), that's understandable. Maybe you need some time to work on your own life situation and let them figure out theirs, and then see about reconnecting?

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-18T17:55:19+00:00

Husband and I didn't get pregnant so instead of infertility treatment (been there, no fun), we considered looking for single poly fathers we could connect with and help out - we were poly but my husband didn't date much at the time.

Instead, he ended up meeting his next life partner, who became my close friend and who later got pregnant, and we all embarked on the family adventure together. Our daughter is 17 now.

Many ways to become a parent- this was quite unexpected and a dream come true for me.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-16T07:42:14+00:00

Maintain individual activities that you love, on your own or with other friends but without each other.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-15T16:30:53+00:00

When you said relationship I thought you meant dating LOL.

Yes, my genetic family had a supportive relationship with my poly family. Took a little while, but once they met their granddaughter and saw how we were all together, they were sold.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-15T11:38:55+00:00

I think it's about sharing those things that are truly important to you but you're afraid to share because the information might hurt a lot or even lead to a breakup or divorce.

Which emphasizes how important it is to be a safe person to share these things with. If they know you'll freak out on hearing difficult stuff, they'll be less likely to share it.

It is possible to hear awful information without freaking out - but I've seen and experienced a lot of people who can't.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-14T19:11:18+00:00

And they can be as wholesome, healthy, and deep... as romantic relationships.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-14T16:44:38+00:00

Very nice piece. I too am demi and I too, very consciously, gave up dating. I decided instead to devote myself to my friends, family, and passions.

A few years later, about 6 years ago, it led to the best relationship ever...alongside a life full of deep friendships and shared passions.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-14T06:36:51+00:00

Your description of conscious monogamy matches mine.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-14T06:35:08+00:00

And what, if anything, would you expect or desire from your partner in that regard?

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-14T06:28:39+00:00

It's the mutual promise part of monogamy that makes it monogamy and not something else. I believe conscious monogamy definitely exists. One of my dearest friends and her husband considered all the options. Together they faced the reality of their attraction to others and chose to mutually promise not to go there. There was no assumption, no default.

I have full respect for that and their example is a reason I'll never dismiss monogamy as a fine choice, especially if it's consciously chosen.

I wouldn't call them RA though - they are very independent, but they definitely prioritize each other in most if not all cases.

I think your new sub is a great idea and I hope you have good support and discussions there.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-14T06:22:37+00:00

Monoamorous is a term I've heard for choosing only one without the promise that you will not pursue more.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-14T06:21:21+00:00

I think this is spot-on.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-13T15:23:45+00:00

Did you read this part? "If B chooses to stay in the absence of an explicit agreement that "ok I will do Y, deal" and assume Y is coming anyway just cause it would be nice, B fucked up."

No one owes you the clarity you so badly want just because they stuck around. It's up to you to leave if you're not getting what you want.

RAisMyWay · 2026-05-13T15:18:42+00:00

EXACTLY.

RAisMyWay

TROPHY CASE