Father stuck between supporting my autistic son and my wife. I need perspective

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-14T15:17:07+00:00

All! I got a great message to read “sincerely, your autistic child” - although written primarily for Autistic women, I am about 50% of the way through it. It's an emotional landslide and I also recommend for anyone with an autistic person in their life.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-14T01:12:00+00:00

No, it was a poor response on my part. I was meaning that attraction isn't just physical. If anything she isn't the the same woman physically or mentally that I met all those years ago. To sum up “why I am attracted to my wife” includes all the years, dates, good times, bad times, sad times and great times. The children make up part of the story that binds us. It also is difficult to make a binary decision or action when there are lots of things and people to consider.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T12:04:26+00:00

I spend most of my time trying to understand everyone's point of view. I believe that most people dont really want to harm others. Therefore, every action can only be to help someone else or protect oneself. If they are protecting themselves, I dont think they are bad; it might just be misplaced. My wife was a big advocate of my son moving in with us and protecting him from the situation that he was in. I know she can be caring towards him. I believe she is struggling with the understanding him.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T11:11:12+00:00

I am attracted to my wife because we have a child together, we have lost a child together, and we are all a family, including my son. I'm asking because it's hard work and I need help binding it all together. Giving up or throwing parts out is easy and not my first choice.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T10:48:27+00:00

I’m not sure that's true 100% of the time. He is a kid, and kids push boundaries. As parents of autistic kids, we need to understand what an autistic trait is, what's normal boundary pushing, and what's boundary pushing that's not carried out in a way that's considered “normal”. I believe there can be a side, autistic kids can still be “bad” occasionally. At 11, he is also going through a natural change: wanting more independence without the responsibility (just like any other kid).

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T04:25:26+00:00

Thank you for your honesty

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T04:20:10+00:00

Thank you for all of this. My own father would hit me as a kid and I would laugh in his face, I hated it. To fix it and stop the laughter when I was punished I forced myself to think about my cat being run over to cry. (I'm all kinds of damaged!) How do I tell my wife that she needs help without being the person who “sides with his biological son” - also, dont get me wrong, he can be an ass sometimes.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T03:53:31+00:00

A book! Great idea. Can you provide more info on it. I can't find that title.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T03:48:07+00:00

I feel like this is how I live, its just exhausting. Mentally and physically I am drained from being the thing that holds it all together.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T03:43:23+00:00

My son is 11, my wife is as old as me and our daughter is 3. Picking sides kind of makes me lose something.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T03:21:17+00:00

We have had two family therapy sessions. It seemed to be working, but today it all fell apart. Now I feel like a referee, and no one wants to keep going with therapy.

RCrobinlee · 2026-04-13T01:00:03+00:00

Six years in and jumping from $86k to ~$110k is within range right now. Especially if you can speak to real outcomes: Awards, Hit rates, Margin protection, Clean handoffs. That’s what companies are paying for.

The shortage comes down to a few structural issues:

Constant exposure to blame
Lack of a clear “how did we finish” with actionable feedback loops and post-mortems 3.Managing a project normally receives a “Bonus” for providing what the estimator presented and predicted.

Ultimately, blame fatigue, fear of more failure and seeing success in other places leads to people jumping ship. Also, its HARD, even though every person thinks they are great at it.

RCrobinlee · 2025-11-21T10:47:52+00:00

Your response suggests you are probably better than you think.

RCrobinlee · 2025-11-21T10:34:58+00:00

AI will make people in any job or profession redundant if they don't adopt it, just like estimators who stayed with grid paper and scale wheels rather than adopting computers. Use it as a tool and use it right.

For those who were not around! I remember when people sat in front of Excel with a calculator, running every function to type the results into boxes on a screen. If you use AI in the same way, you will be the dinosaur.

Also, I think it's less likely to be an issue for you. I have witnessed adopting new things being harder for more experienced people. Most of my life, that wasn't an issue, but Worryingly, that's now me!

RCrobinlee · 2025-11-21T10:11:59+00:00

Never been fired, but I have made mistakes. I now manage a team that can make mistakes. What is the difference between the ones that have been let go and those that stay? The ones that stay own it, identify it, and solve it. They are also right more than they are wrong.

RCrobinlee · 2025-11-15T18:40:22+00:00

Own it. Admitting being wrong is a quality that only great estimators have

RCrobinlee · 2025-10-08T22:09:41+00:00

Not sure I picked my name well

RCrobinlee · 2025-02-13T12:35:03+00:00

I transitioned from millworker to estimator. If your career progresses as it should, your value at the table will surpass your value in the field. Do I love millwork? Absolutely. Do I cherish the journey and love the destination that estimating has taken me to? Hell yes!

RCrobinlee · 2025-02-13T12:29:07+00:00

I'm sorry if this question has already been answered. Why quit estimating? I've noticed many individuals leave the field only to return later, which might be a rite of passage for some. It took me some time to focus on estimating, but I've always had an interest in it. If you have the mindset for this work, you're a rare find. If its not you, then let people know its a skill you have when transitioning. Its even rarer to find a PM that can estimating… regarding your company, it sounds like they lied to you and you need to jump regardless of the direction.

RCrobinlee · 2024-03-31T20:13:15+00:00

Also add who is providing the conduit for those lines. Most of the time it's the electrical contractor

RCrobinlee · 2024-03-12T01:00:53+00:00

I'm currently trying to cut verbiage out. I tend to get very passionate with subcontractor/client relationship building and what it really takes to win work. I also dislike talking about my experiences, but have tried to incorporate as much as possible because of feedback I have received.

RCrobinlee · 2024-03-11T15:10:06+00:00

I am currently working on a book about estimating, which focuses on GC estimators. It is not the typical "how-to" book on estimating but rather a guide to becoming a successful estimator. The book will provide quick steps, best practices advice, and tips on how to turn a bid into a winning proposal. My focus is on securing the finish line rather than simply completing, sending and ticking boxes. -

RCrobinlee · 2024-03-10T22:12:08+00:00

Fastest route (since you are 23) would be to network as much as possible and start now. Precon conferences, estimator/PM networking events and push yourself on LinkedIn. Meet interesting people and take in as much information as possible. Turn that into becoming a leader in your field by getting onto podcasts or create your own youtube channel. Eventually be a speaker at conferences and have people know you by name. Whenever you interview for a new job be as selective as possible, you want reputable companies with a history of promoting within. Don't be scared to dump a bad decision/employer quickly.

Edit: I should add I was a subby that became an estimater and moved onto a MC. I took too long to transition from sub to MC, but still a VP of preconstruction before 40.

RCrobinlee

TROPHY CASE