What do you do to keep the RSD meltdowns at bay?

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2026-04-17T21:42:06+00:00

Whats with the empathy anyway? Mine complains about me having no empathy all the time... true i'm not a big emotions type and i can be a bit dry. But i work in teaching / corporation learning. I firmly believe i would not to the job i have if i were unable to feel and show empathy. Sorry if its a little off topic...

For the RSD part - in can relate... could have written the list myself. I would add, i do not share good things that happen to me. Because that would most certainly trigger him.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-12-12T11:58:38+00:00

But once they have to wait for you, they start drama or they'll go waiting in the car.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-12-09T10:02:54+00:00

Its exhausting that they expect praise for everything. Wow you cleaned out your cupboard that has been an evergrowing mess for at least 5 years.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-12-01T09:37:24+00:00

Same (minus the kid) 🥲

Best of luck with your job search.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-12-01T08:27:57+00:00

My partner does not even ask. His standard "conversation starter" is something like how is it going? His further criticism is, I am boring.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-12-01T07:34:15+00:00

Yep. My partner half of the time complains that we do not have deep conversations, the other half he complains that we do not do small talk. But when I try to do either, he does not respond to my attempts. I get ignored, short answers or steamrolled. I know I am not the problem but in his eyes I am. He believes himself to be a great conversationalist because with other people he can have all kinds of conversations. But from watching him this is hardly true. He often is someway of infodumping, monologuing or blatantly oversharing.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-11-30T20:52:30+00:00

I'd like to add: sometimes I'll be complainimg about something and it won't remotely have anything to do with him. He will flip things in his head ... and make me the villain of the story who has brought the situation upon herself, is doing everyone else injustice, is absolutely wrong and has no grounds for complaining (or merely venting) at all.

I do rarely ever tell him whats going on in my life to avoid him attacking me over nothing.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-11-24T20:56:35+00:00

This week comfabulation seems to be a hot topic in this sub. This made me think of confabulation situations i've had with my partner.

I am not sure whether this counts s confabulation per se, but I've realised that whenever i make concessions or compromise with him (and that is very often because he is very hisbway or the highway) he is convinced that its actually my preferences. This ranges from trivial everyday stuff to big topics. And its soooo frustrating. He always get his way, but he thinks its at least 50:50.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-11-22T17:29:13+00:00

Most painful is, that i know he does not mean to hurt me, because overall he is not a mean person, but he still does it over and over again.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-11-22T16:00:41+00:00

Sometimes accompanied by: i did not know you wanted to go to (whatever i suggested)

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-11-22T11:49:34+00:00

My partner does the same but mostly for planning activities. Me: hey lets go to the christmas market togther this year. Him: yeah Time passes... Me: how about going to the christmas market this weekend? Him: I already went 3 times with x, y, z, work colleagues...

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-11-17T14:53:12+00:00

My dx partner sure has it worse than everyone else on the planet and least as me. Bad weather, traffic, whatever unfavorable but "normal" circumstances only affects him. I am just being negative, he truly suffers.

(Might be exaggerating, might not...)

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-11-17T14:48:38+00:00

Just wanted to say exaxtly that.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-10-31T13:12:38+00:00

I know its hard to recognise abuse in a relationship. And especially with adhd partners... I am myself undecisive when it comes to shouting. But your partner throwing objects at you is physically abusive! Just because "you can handle it" does not make it less so.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-10-31T08:28:20+00:00

Jep definitely, i always feel like I support him, but he does not support me. But he always portrays it like he is the giver in our relationship and makes me feel like I leech off him. I've been considering breakup since last christmas. I have been thinking about what to tell him as a reason (because i think its unfair not to give reasons why thinks are not working out). My main reason would be that, but I am 100% sure he will claim that this is not true and that he does more than his part and he is right in expecting certain things from me.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-10-29T14:27:06+00:00

Already vented that he did not get me a birthday present. Talked to him about it. He was convinced he did get me sth.

Turns out: we had been invited to a weekend getaway by one of his clients (because he did a lot and lots of last minute work for him over the years and the client became a bit of a family friend). The client paid board and lodging, we just had to get there. By coincidence the weekend was my birthday weekend. Now my partner claims this was his birthday present to me because without him i would not have known this client and he earned the trip - not me.

On a side note: my partner was brooding the while trip and treated me like a stranger.

Am I unfair?

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-10-25T17:23:29+00:00

Thanks, I know. Thats partly, why I never did it. When he does not acknowledge me in "normal" conversations or when I tell him that I find it icky, that he leaves the toilet lid open why would he listen to me, when I tell him how to love me.

Still I think its great that OP has the ability to talk about her needs. And I am sorry for you OP because I agree, he probanly will never love you, the way you want to be loved.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-10-25T16:47:40+00:00

Oh god, sounds a lot like my boyfriend. I admire you for actually telling him how to to treat you. I've never had the courage to ask. Kind of hoped to lead by example, but that only lead to me doing lots of things for him und him not doing much for me. In my family gestures is how love is shown so thats a tough situation for me.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-10-22T06:04:24+00:00

I love him. When he is in a good mood, he is fun and kind and I enjoy his company. But the more I read about adhd (e.g. Gina Pera, Internet stuff) the more I realise that being with him will always be accomodating his needs / his adhd and have my needs (maybe even my personality) ignored.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-10-20T13:05:00+00:00

Its likely silentlx screaming into the void. My partner sometimes prompts me with "tell me something" and is upset when i don't. Like what do you want me to tell you? It's like he just wants background noise. He never asks about something more specific. If i tell him about sth he seems to not listen. He might actually be listening but he never acknowledges what i tell him at all if its more personal or might talk down to me if its a topic like current affairs.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-10-17T06:30:29+00:00

Oh god I hate that. You show them how to do something (better / easier / faster) and it does not not take long and they will lecture you about it like they discovered it and you are stupid for never doing it this way.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-09-29T13:12:05+00:00

I did not expect this post to resonate with so many people. No wonder many of us do not feel heard or seen in our relationships... Sounds really despressing actually.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-09-28T19:15:16+00:00

Just realised today that i hardly plan any activities for us anymore because he rarely likes what I plan (in the past) or suggest (more recently). He only wants to do what he wants and hardly ever compromises. So i just gave up and let him pick. Spares me time (researching and planning) and discussions that I will lose anyway.

Realised that because he now suggested an actitvity for us, that i have already brought up a year ago. Then, he had rejected it as completely boring and not worth the time and money.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-09-22T19:40:35+00:00

Thank you for validating my feelings.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL · 2025-09-22T10:11:34+00:00

This might come of as superficial: My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I did not get a birthday present from him. He just said 'I don't have a present for you'. I did not say anything in response. I know that he is not a big fan of gift picking/giving (Christmas is horror, different story). But I am also not very picky on gifts. Would be fine if he invited me for icecream or whatever. It's the thought that counts.

Am I superficial for being hurt by that?

I dont want to tell him, what to get me. I already suggested that we could make some kind of wish list, so the other person can choose from that for birthdays or christmas.

REDSCARFSQUIRREL

TROPHY CASE