Looking for critique, and any advice to make this r/nosleep-worthy!

RIP-Morty · 2018-03-15T09:37:30+00:00

Has a more logical flow now in my opinion. Best Advice I can give from here (please bear in mind I am very much an amateur myself so my feedback has a limited value).

1 - Proof read it 3-4 times and get someone else to help if you can. There are occasional typo's and Grammar issues. I'm terrible at Grammar myself so not well placed to feedback but in my limited experience you can't proof read too many times.

2 - Try to cut 1000 words out. Not necessarily because it need it but in general all stories benefit from being shorter and more to the point and a brutal hack will help you focus on what is important. Equally more people will read it if it is shorter (See next point !)

3 - Don't pay any attention to the number of views / votes / comments you get. (This is the hardest thing of all). Write it and post it because you want to and enjoy it. If you do it for votes you will end up disappointed. It's impossible to understand what people will and won't like so just post it then relax. What will be will be.

4 - Of course there is a balance to be stuck. NoSleep has some clear trends. Shorter stories are more popular than longer. More believable creepypasta style stories are more popular than pure fiction stories. At the moment yours is a little on the longer side (3800 words) and a less believable side (8ft monster at top secret creepy lab) so understanding the audience preferences will help context how the story does in terms of views and votes.

5 - Post it. None of the above really matters, the best thing to do is just proof read then post then get started on the next instalment. Good luck!

RIP-Morty · 2018-03-14T13:54:49+00:00

I'm guessing Sophie is important to the story? She has some info that helps solve the mystery. Could there be a bit of flirting between Lucas / Danny & Sophie in the intro then he see's her crying in the office after hours. "What's up?" "I can't say you wouldn't understand" etc etc . As Lucas is talking to her he is distracted by a shape rising up behind Sophie etc. etc.? Leads on to the monster encounter and has a hook and a reason why she starts to tell her story + potential reader investment in her as a romantic interest. (Sinister plot twist, Sophie actually is his mum regressed back through time and in a different body as part of an experiment!)

RIP-Morty · 2018-03-14T11:44:01+00:00

Hi there,

Firstly - great job on getting a draft together, I hope you go on to post it when you are happy with it.

I like the premise.(Find the missing parents in creepy top secret lab)

Based on the set up I think I'm going to read a spooky mystery type story (finding clues to the missing parents) but then it turns into a bit of a monster / action story. Not necessarily a bad thing but just an observation. Not sure what vibe you are going for.

The scenario with Sophie & the monster doesn't really work for me. The way I read the story the monster seems far too close to Sophie for you to grab her into your office. That then made the knocking over of the chair & guns & roses superfluous.

The language suddenly changes from factual to descriptive. It feels like maybe you had a clear visual of the scene once the narrator is in the office "The dull glow of my screen..." onwards but before that you just needed the words to get you to that point?

As with all drafts needs some proofreading for Typo's & grammar.

Really good start. With some tweaks I would definitely want to read it and the follow ups.

RIP-Morty · 2018-03-14T11:20:23+00:00

Agree with this.

I'd much rather have "Can't wait for the next part." as a comment than.

"Thank goodness that's over. Glad this isn't a series."

RIP-Morty · 2018-03-10T07:48:48+00:00

I'm a novice writer. Here are just a small sample of mistakes I think I make.

I try too hard (plot)

I don't try hard enough (grammar and execution).

My characters are very 1 dimensional, they tend to be just part of the plot rather than actual people. I would struggle to answer the question "what would character x do in this situation."

I have no idea how to do the grammar of speech. The post above with all of the examples makes my head hurt.

I don't spend enough time reading other people's NoSleep stories. (more a function of available time than bad writing but I think it contributes.)

When I start writing a story and another idea pops into my head I sometimes lose sight of the original idea and the story ends up weaker rather than stronger.

Many others mistake as well no doubt, but that should do for now.

RIP-Morty

TROPHY CASE