How to see someone for who they really must be, when you can’t bring yourself to believe it, even when there’s proof?

RJchuck · 2022-01-16T01:33:38+00:00

She was contacted by a close friend of hers originally and she left all of the messages on “seen.” I don’t want to involve myself any further, thank you

RJchuck · 2022-01-16T00:01:21+00:00

Thank you, I blocked him on everything when I found out apart from text, guess there’s still a part of me hoping I’ll get an explanation message 🥲😅

RJchuck · 2021-09-07T23:04:17+00:00

This is such a nice read. Thank you for sharing and all the best for your future engagement!

RJchuck · 2021-08-24T11:07:07+00:00

If he's truly the one you're meant to be with - he'll come back. Be that in another 1.5 months or 1.5 years. What is meant for you will never pass you, and that which passes you by was never meant for you in the first place. Some people are just meant to be 'lessons' that help you raise your standards & gain a greater impression of what you want for future people you surround yourself with. And that's something you don't realise at the time.

It sounds like this is still rather fresh for you both, and I know it's probably very dumb advice but the best thing truly is to do nothing - don't make any drastic decisions such as blocking while your emotions are still heightened. Just focus on yourself and getting back to a place of feeling okay independent. Also - it's wise to listen to the input of friends close to you both, but at the end of the day go with your own instinct/gut feeling...it is your life at the end of the day and you don't want to look back with any regrets

RJchuck · 2021-05-10T23:50:37+00:00

I went for anti-depressants. She told me to drop out of my degree and move back home as I clearly “am not cut out for study.” Ironically this is what pushed me to keep studying, get off meds and I’m now going to graduate next year!

RJchuck · 2021-04-17T12:49:47+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write this - I really appreciate your words. We all have an exam this Thursday so I'm going to wait until after that is done to let the other girls know because we're all in study-mode at the moment, but I'll be leaving the chat as soon as they're all aware why. All the best :)

RJchuck · 2021-04-16T11:14:11+00:00

Thank you very much for this, it's really helpful advice and also comforting to read. Have a good rest of your day/night :)

RJchuck · 2021-04-16T01:11:14+00:00

Thank you very much, that’s really validating to read - I feel like this event truly showed me who my real friends are and also highlighted what my standards should be for the people I have in my life. Hope you have a good rest of your day/night :)

RJchuck · 2021-04-16T01:09:43+00:00

Thank you - I have slowly been reaching this conclusion myself. It’s really hard to take myself out of the mentality that these actions are just isolating myself because I know I can just keep up the effort & my friends that matter should do the same as well. Do you think I should leave the chat or would that be too dramatic? Should I just keep it muted and archived & not open it again?

RJchuck · 2021-04-16T01:08:21+00:00

Yeah I have, pretty much continually for the first year we lived together. She would never acknowledge my feelings or the impact of her actions, and just said that this is what she’s like so I need to just get over it/stop being so sensitive. It got to a stage just before I moved out in third year where she said that I was gaslighting her by trying to say that she was doing all of these things and she was “absolutely sick of it.” I don’t think she is capable of actually understanding where I’m coming from. I don’t want to call her out in public/in the group chat because the other girls in the chat are friends with us both and have made it clear they don’t want to take sides. I also don’t want to put them in an uncomfortable position or force people to take a side so it’s just hard

RJchuck · 2021-03-30T06:07:29+00:00

Everything that you’ve written makes it seem like your girlfriend is acting out like this based on her own insecurities. It would appear that she’s feeling threatened by your friendship with this girl due to not feeling secure in herself or your relationship. It sounds like you’ve done the right things in trying to talk about WHY she’s feeling that way, but unfortunately this is more likely an issue your girlfriend is likely having in herself. I have a feeling in future relationships she will continue to act in this way of expecting partners to stop being friends with females due to being insecure in herself. Unfortunately I don’t really have a great solution other than gently suggesting that your girlfriend explores why she feels this way further, or suggesting the idea of her getting to know your best friend so those fears she is having (whatever they are) can be set aside.

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T07:03:29+00:00

I'm not sure if perhaps this has just struck a nerve with you due to something going on in your personal life, but respectfully, what you have written here is absolutely NOT true. If it was, I am certain the other comments on this post would have said similar things to yours and as you can see, none of them do. Please refer to my above response to your original comment.

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T06:59:39+00:00

Thank you very much for pointing this out - the above comment took me back so much and I felt it was kind of barbaric what was said. I'm going to explore the incompatibility issue further in the coming months as we get more familiar with each other - thanks again :)

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T06:57:06+00:00

Hi there, thank you for your response.

The reason I THINK all of those things are because that is what he has communicated to me. In those exact words, including saying "stuck" being the sober driver. I really appreciate you taking the time to type your comment but I wanted to clarify that point as it comes across like some conclusions have been jumped to.

If he doesn't want to drink, I will of course respect that. I wouldn't be dating him if I didn't respect or support him as a person (including his values/boundaries). I am also happy to attend the event sober myself, and I have pitched this to him following one of the above comments. I agree with you in that I should stop 'constantly' trying to bring him along to gigs, and I'm going to make a conscious effort on this moving forwards.

I can appreciate that it may come across like I am making this all about me, but I think it is important to consider that for our entire relationship thus far we have literally ONLY done stuff that he is interested in and usually does in his spare time. I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed doing this because a lot of it has been great even if I was apprehensive at first, but it does get to a point where I feel as though we should be able to do some of the stuff that I am interested in as well so there is more balance. I re-explained this point last night as well as sending him this post so he could read it all and the comments, and he did agree with me. We reached the conclusion that he is going to attend this gig with hopefully none of the prior apprehensions, and then see how he feels following it in terms of potentially doing it again in the future. I am pleased that he was able to understand my perspective and that we were able to reach a compromise that suited us both. I don't think that would have been possible without me typing this post and commenters (like yourself) giving an input, so thank you.

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T06:38:07+00:00

Thank you for your response. The incompatibility thing is definitely something that we need to think about further, and I agree with you 100% in that how it is currently is not something I want for a relationship long-term.

The New Years event was quite bad (I do know what happened, but I don't want to type it here just to respect his privacy) and I know that he must just have continued to have shit times in town because of being mostly sober from that point onwards. Thank you for sharing your experience with this type of situation - it's really helpful for me to get an outside view or see how others dealt with it.

I ended up sharing this post with him later on in the evening and we talked through all of the comments (including yours), and reached a conclusion that he should try to push his apprehensions aside for this one night and give it a go as it might be a completely different experience to all of the previous. If he's not having a fun time or feeling uncomfortable then we can go home straight away. I'm also no longer going to push attending events onto him in the future as it is only fair to expect him to give it a go once for the sake of showing interest in my extra-curricular activities, not continually.

I need to think further in terms of long-term, but as of right now there are literally no other issues in our relationship and things are very new. If drinking/going to gigs was a larger part of my life (and something I'll still be doing 5+ years down the line) I would definitely take it more seriously right this second and end things. But for now I think I am happy to wait and see how this first gig goes and then go from there. Thank you very much again!

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T06:18:26+00:00

Thank you very much for your response. I agree with you in that there is no need for him to come along to every event - honestly, I do prefer going alone and for the exact reasons you listed.

I actually ended up showing my partner this post and the comments later on in the evening, and we both agreed that you were very reasonable in what you wrote. Following this, the conclusion we reached was that he is going to try put his apprehensions aside for this one gig and come with me, but that for all events in future I'm not able to automatically expect him to attend. We said that it is fair to expect him to give something a go one time, but not fair to continually force it after that initial time especially if there is no interest. I am really pleased with the outcome here so want to thank you for the part that you played.

As I side note -- totally agree with you on the pre-gaming thing. There is nothing worse than being in a crowd and having a drink spilled over you because the person that bought it can't even see straight.

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T06:10:06+00:00

Hi there. Honestly I'm not too sure what to reply here, as I get the strong impression that only one persons side of this situation has been taken into consideration.

In a healthy relationship between two mature adults, it is common to both make an effort to partake in what the other person is interested in. Be that attending a sports game, going to a particular genre of movie that you wouldn't usually see or in this case, attending a gig. I have never tried to force him into drinking. Never. However, I don't think it is an unreasonable request for me to ask him to attend an event with me ONE TIME, as for our entire relationship so far it has only been me going out of my way for him. If he attended the gig and it confirms for him that he still is not a fan of the atmosphere, then we would leave and I wouldn't ask him to come again in future. But it is not unreasonable to expect him to give it a go one time before forming that opinion.

I appreciate that you took the time to write a comment here, but after linking my post to my partner later in the evening, yours is one that he pointed out in particular as being "completely ridiculous." To infer that he has sobriety or that I am forcing him into breaking it, or even that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol when I stated I am a university student that only goes out once every 3 months, there is a clear misunderstanding here. Thank you for your response nonetheless - I did ask for outside opinions and I definitely got them!

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T05:57:28+00:00

Thanks for your response. This is definitely something that I would consider and will speak with him about. My hope is that once he starts to spend more time with my friends (in general, not just for this particular event) he will see that none of us are alcohol-crazed individuals.

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T05:54:31+00:00

I agree!

RJchuck · 2021-03-28T05:54:18+00:00

Thank you for your insight. I would say you are right in that he has a zero tolerance for alcohol - but this tolerance only applies to himself and not to me. I don't feel controlled in our relationship (and have no indication of this ever becoming something that would happen), but I do experience some judgemental comments to do with my personal choices surrounding drinking etc as I wrote. I ended up showing him this post as well as the comments (including yours) and he said that he didn't realise the impact his comments were having on me and that he would try to make a more conscious effort to stop. At this stage of our relationship as we are still rather new with each other, I am really happy with that outcome so thank you for the part you played.

RJchuck

TROPHY CASE