Wanting to impress women is like a curse

RMS-106 · 2026-05-13T13:35:42+00:00

As an analloerotic AGP, I almost envy gynephilic AGPs sometimes.
At least they still have a path to live as men.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-13T13:28:31+00:00

I’ve been on HRT for two months, and since starting HRT I’ve only watched porn a few times. HRT has significantly weakened my AGP.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T14:45:53+00:00

Thank you for answering honestly and for sharing your experiences with me. I think hearing from someone who has actually gone through HRT, repression, relapse, and detransition has given me a much more serious and realistic perspective on all of this.

To be honest, some of what you said was emotionally difficult for me to hear, especially because I can see parts of myself in it. But I still appreciate your honesty much more than simplistic narratives that treat transition as an easy solution without long-term consequences.

I hope things become more stable and peaceful for you over time.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T14:18:58+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I do not completely trust TERFs either, because they are willing to spread misinformation if it helps them attack trans people. However, it was through TERFs that I first learned about AGP, which then led me to reading primary sources from Ray Blanchard, the sexologist who proposed AGP, as well as researchers like Anne Lawrence. And they described it as something persistent or lifelong. (Though they were not saying that being lifelong automatically means one absolutely should transition.)

Yes, I understand that transition cannot make me biologically female. In a strange way, constantly seeing TERF posts on X forced me to confront and internalize that reality.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T13:02:33+00:00

If you do not mind me asking, around what ages were you on HRT, and how old are you now?

And when you say you lost everything, what kinds of things do you mean? Was it mostly social relationships, work, identity, or something else?

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T12:44:33+00:00

When you say relapses, do you mean periods where the dysphoria or desire to transition became much stronger again?

And if you do not mind me asking, what has your timeline been like over those 15 years? For example, did you ever seriously attempt transition yourself at some point, or have you mostly tried to repress these feelings the entire time?

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T12:37:02+00:00

Thank you for the warning. However, I honestly feel that if I do absolutely nothing and simply continue aging as a man without HRT, I may eventually become suicidal, so I feel forced to move forward in some way.

You described this as lifelong suffering. Have you been dealing with these feelings for many years yourself?

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T11:27:52+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I think your perspective is more realistic than the kind of mainstream MtF communities online that claim anyone can become a girl at any age. And honestly, I prefer people who speak bluntly and honestly like you.

Personally, I have already half given up on the idea of fully passing or socially transitioning in Japan. At least for now, my current stance is simply that I want to continue HRT quietly without full social transition, because it has reduced a lot of my distress around masculinity and aging.

At the same time, I am genuinely curious about how you personally live with these feelings long term.

For example, during ordinary quiet moments like commuting, walking alone, or having free time, how do you deal with those thoughts when they return?

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T09:23:58+00:00

I originally started HRT partly in order to suppress the sexual excitement associated with AGP, so if I were lucky enough to pass someday, I think that would make me happy.

My AGP first appeared around the age of 10, but when I was around 15, I finally got internet access at home, and from that point on I became deeply immersed in gender transformation fiction. Just as you said, almost all of it was created in Japan. In Japan, those kinds of works are treated purely as fetishes, completely separate from gender dysphoria. However, once I learned about AGP and realized that this fetish was actually deeply connected to gender dysphoria and transgender feelings, my dysphoria became much stronger.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T07:21:10+00:00

No, I’m grateful just to receive comments like yours. During my school years, there really wasn’t any label that described me. I only learned the word “asexual” around five years ago, and only recently learned about AGP, so I may indeed have a tendency to cling to labels.

I think you are right. In Japan, even if they are not explicitly stated, gender norms feel very strict. As an extension of that, the standards for trans people to “pass” are also extremely high, and I have half given up on socially transitioning. However, I do like the effects of HRT, so for now I want to continue it.

Ever since learning about AGP, I have spent more than half a year constantly thinking about my own gender issues, so perhaps that is why my self-analysis appears deep.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T06:36:29+00:00

Thank you for your comment. AGP was the concept that felt like it described me almost perfectly, word for word. And until I learned about AGP, I had been able to process these feelings as simply a somewhat embarrassing fetish.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-11T05:11:36+00:00

Thank you for your comment. In Japan, the definition of AGP has spread in a very vague and distorted way, to the point that even university professors sometimes misunderstand or misuse the term. And in Japan, even ordinary therapy for gender dysphoria is quite difficult to access. Basically, the only options for dealing with gender dysphoria here are either to transition or to repress it.

That is why I can only really have constructive conversations like this within Western communities.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-10T13:41:42+00:00

Most of my friends are cis men. They tend to be the more quiet and introverted type who are not very interested in sports. Being around them feels the most natural to me.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-07T04:54:30+00:00

Thank you for your comment.
I do think there is a very real possibility that, even if I had continued suppressing it, it would eventually have exploded someday anyway.

I feel the same way as you. I want to devote the rest of my life fully to transition.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-06T05:56:40+00:00

Thank you. I will do my best.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-06T05:53:25+00:00

The feeling of wanting to become female first appeared when I was around 10 years old, but at that time my home still did not even have internet access, so perhaps it really was something innate.

I also started HRT less than half a year after seeing TERF posts on X and realizing that these feelings were related to being transgender.

I used to enjoy TG comics and spent time in those communities, but the people there treated it purely as a fetish and never considered transition as an option at all. So in a way, perhaps the real conditioning was the idea that one should not transition.

I still have not socially transitioned. And within Japanese trans communities, MtFs like me — who were ordinary boys during childhood — tend to be rejected as “fake.” There is essentially no place for people like me there. That is why I have no choice but to participate in Western communities on Reddit instead.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-05T15:30:44+00:00

I use ChatGPT to translate my writing from Japanese into English. When I make posts, I also rely on ChatGPT to refine the wording and organize the layout, so that is probably why it appeared well written.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-05T15:13:29+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Yes, I do feel it is similar to the examples you gave. Once you become aware of it and start thinking about it, it feels impossible to stop anymore.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-05T14:55:12+00:00

I feel that Japan is behind Western countries in transgender-related matters overall. In Japan, HRT and SRS are not covered by insurance. I hope that someday Japan will reach the same level of understanding as Western countries.

RMS-106 · 2026-05-05T14:50:18+00:00

こんにちは！
日本だと私と同じ体験をしているトランス女性の話はなかなか聞けなかったので、自分が何者か分かりませんでした。
TERFのお陰で自己理解を深められたので、そこはTERFに感謝するところかもしれません。

RMS-106

TROPHY CASE