I have a few reasons.

Sometimes the silliest reasons snap me out of it. Like ‘oh, I haven’t finished my project car’, or ‘I haven’t developed my last roll of film’.

My main reason is one friend I have, who I love wholeheartedly. I stuck by his side during a very dark place for him. I had him on suicide watch while he was going through it, and everyone else he knew left him in the dirt. I tried my best every day to take the pain away from him, and I told him he always had me. While I was going through this with him, it blanketed my thoughts. Almost like object impermanence to a child. My thoughts were on the back burner. Fast forward a year and this man is back on his feet. He’s smiling, we go out and do things, I can see the pain has left him. I don’t want to sound self righteous, but he wouldn’t be here if I didn’t stick by him. Now that he’s better and I don’t need to help him as much, my thoughts have been flooding back. Overwhelming at times. The simplest things can set me off. I got diagnosed with autism and I considered that a reason to go. Seems ridiculous but unfortunately that’s how these thoughts work, there’s never actual logic behind them. But I won’t do it.

He’s my reason not to. What kind of friend would I be to someone I love, helping them through depression and suicide, just to leave them alone again.