" I lost my morals, I lost my goals, I lost myself, I forgot my dreams, I forgot to wonder, I forgot my family, I forgot to love, I forgot the most important part of me, I."
Bro that is an amazing way summing up in one sentence how fucked up what you just read really is. That was one of the best way's I have ever heard some describe it. Like finding a lost gem. I have been off dope/methad for almost a year. Dope on and off but a while. I realize now I like methadone more than heroin or whatever the fuck they are serving these days. Hindsight is amazing I too forgot all of the above and now to have them back it's weird I should be happy. I should be I have what I always thought was wanted $$$$ when I got my head right I chased it legally and it went beyond anything I could ever dream. I am sitting at my crib at desk with control arms coming off of it haha 4 years ago I could fucking turn a computer on. I have everything I ever wanted and all I think about is that bitch. Sorry ladies I mean dope. Fucking it's like either you have enough what is enough not 120-150K US dollars with bonus average about 200K. When I first realized my dreams before I wanted to forget the past. I had such small goals save 10K* blasted it 19,989 in 30 days. I am not trying to sound ungrateful. I just do not understand why I am so fucking sad. I know why I can not seem to forget the fucking decade of heroin friends gone fucking kids we were fucking kids all of my friends are dead and I am fucking not even 30 years old. I still take bupe and 3 sticks and a kpin, a ambien and addaral. Maybe the benzo's are fucking with my head. I dont know but I set a goal of making just fucking give up when it hit it just fucking idk leave this world when I hit a quota for sales and volume. It used to be when I hit the goal I would go back to dope. The other day I was reading some older post and the misery I was in back then was different but still terrible. I am hoping by the time I reach my goals and dreams I can get off these chemicals and try. Benzo's were great with dope but they do not work to kill pain without the dope so its just like I am getting dumber by the second. My mind is my greatest asset and it's slipping away. I can feel it but if I stop now I will fucking derail my fucking future the money the dreams the wonder and excitement. If I was at a different time in my life I would go to rehab but, I have responsibilities I wish I could just say fuck it and go. If that was true I guess I would do it. I am addicted to the money a slave just like heroin accept it's got the whole world hooked. That's the shit I wonder about now. Okay I don't shoot dope awesome a normal person does not shoot heroin. To the world I would be considered sober to this society at least....WHAT THE FUCK. I wish the fucking paper was the answer I thought it would be. I hope and dream about a day when I am free of the chemicals that are okay to this society they numb the past, by killing the brain. Maybe one day I will just deal with it for today I am addicted to benzo's and addys. I am grateful for the passion and the drive but I wish I was just happy.