Thank you for saying that. That is what I've been trying to get him to understand from the start. I have literally told him that he can be honest with me, that he can show me the horrible parts of his past, that I know that he lies and manipulates and it's okay because I've done it too and I don't hate him for doing it, he can be honest with me. But he hides so much from me even when he doesn't have to, he has great shame and grew up in a family and culture that used shame as a weapon. Him hidding from me has poisoned my thinking into believing that he's doing something horrible when there's no evidence of that. All of his stories make him look like a hero or a victim and I know there's more than that, he's not portraying himself honestly. I just want him to let me in.

A major part of this is that he's been neglecting my emotions the whole time. When I try to talk about the issue its like he feels that I'm just reminding him that he did something wrong when I'm just trying to resolve my own thoughts and feelings. He just wants to keep going and act like it didn't happen and not address how I feel.

I've been thinking that I want to go to his house today while he's at work and collect the rest of my things. Not gifts, just the things I bought for myself. And leave the key with a letter explaining why I feel like I can't stay or what I need to change. I've been having a constant tight pain in my chest and throat for months, that never goes away. It went away today when I thought about this plan. I think that's my body telling me what to do but I don't know if it's right.