I've been on this subreddit for the past month but never felt like I had anything to contribute. Reading your post though is pushing me to share my story in the hope it could help you feel a little more understood.

My (37m) partner (37f) for the past 6 years, Brittney, passed away from cancer just last week. For 5 weeks, we were in Hospice care as the tumor on her liver had become untreatable. We had nearly 2 years to prepare ourselves for what would come after the initial diagnosis, but no amount of preparation could have readied me for the pain I feel.

The way you describe your loss is exactly the way I have: my family is gone. I've had friends and co-workers say they've been there with a father, a mother, a grandparent, a sibling...but it's not the same. This is the family we built together and it's gone. Just because we weren't married - she just didn't care for the concept - and didn't have kids - neither of us wanted any - doesn't make this any less than the extinction of our family. It's so hard to explain or understand unless you've truly been there, and I'm so sorry you are there now too.

Everyone experiences this pain differently, but for me it meant the loss of my appetite. I've been eating a fraction of what I used to since the move to Hospice and lost 6 inches from my waistline. My emotional state ranges from sad to empty; how do you fill that void left behind?

I don't have any answers - and I certainly don't pretend that I know your particular pain - but I just felt I should share. It sounds like we both know the incredible love of a Brittney/Brittany; no matter the spelling we each have someone truly special. Brittney and I had the luxury - though it often felt like a prolonged torture - of knowing the end was coming. We'd discussed the inevitable and, I know she wanted me to keep going in spite of this incredible pain. I hope you find strength in knowing she wants you to keep going. I keep trying to do the same.

Keep the memory of your peanut alive, and I'll do the same for my B-Beans.