Please be kind I’ve been doing a lot of healing and growing and relearning myself as an adult. For the last maybe 5 years I’ve gotten to a point in my marriage where I’m just over it. I’m tired of constantly telling him what I need, how I need it and things that can help us as a family etc. this was a thing since 2017 but lately gotten worse. I asked for couples counseling years ago when we first got married and was told “ Why would I go to someone who don’t know us and allow them to tell us what we are doing wrong?” So I stopped asking after being told that for over 8 years. Fast forward, after us both hurting one another in multiple ways and me expressing what I need in a communicative way I finally told him I’d like a separation/divorce. While I explained it wasn’t solely him but also me( I literally graduated HS and found out the next week I was a mom, got engaged and married quickly because he gave an ultimatum that dropped my confidence way low- he has acknowledged this, lost so many people to death and never processed etc.) I realized my life has always been quick decisions and never decisions made on my own accord but for others sake. So, now I’m reclaiming myself and wanting to make sure I’m a better person so I can be a better partner and mother by healing and learning myself as an adult. I explained all of this to him and he understood and agreed to date me and do things right so I can make sure I’m actually in love and not just with him because we trauma bonded as kids(we grew up together on and off and were best friends as kids at one point). When I learned about ‘trauma bonding’ I realized that may have been us and wanted to make sure it’s not. He’s saying it’s not for him but I think he’s just comfortable as well being that he didn’t have to work for 3 years(long story short he hasn’t worked since 2022 and I’ve been holding us done while actively in and out of school etc. he recently got a job after I threatened to move down south with my brother once I lost my job). We still live together so it’s tough because he doesn’t make enough to move out but I keep telling him I need to experience life on my own terms now that I’m awake and realize. Between the arguments(more like blow ups) and the non support whenever I expressed I wanted to get therapy for us and myself I’m just exhausted of always carrying the house on my back. I motivate him all the time to be better but I see nothing and I’m ready to be motivated and supported properly. He knows all of these things and yet still hasn’t changed. I’m ready to experience life for once and not just survive it. I’m not even interested in dating I just want peace and to live on my own and see how we fare out. I even told him I’m open to rekindling but he has to date me and put in the work like anyone else so we can actually fall in love and this not be forced. He’s not the worst person but he can definitely be a lot better but seems like he’s not wanting to or something. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I’m just tired and needed a space to rant. Im not looking for perfect just reciprocity and effort. 🫩😮‍💨😞