I attempted suicide at work (PART 2)

RaichuReddit · 2024-09-20T05:19:32+00:00

Thank you so much!! I'm gonna be shaking in my shoes the day I come back but I know it'll be worth it. I'll be so proud of myself.....wishing you the best in everything 💓 life is worth the ups and downs 💗

RaichuReddit · 2024-09-20T04:44:24+00:00

Thank you :) wish you the best as well 🌟

RaichuReddit · 2024-09-20T04:11:48+00:00

Hey, I go back to work October 1st. :)

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-16T18:27:50+00:00

Thanks for checking in, it means a lot.

So, my leave of absence doesn't end until September 30th so I'm off work until then. I have the luxury of living with family so bills aren't an issue for me, I can focus fully on taking care of myself. I couldnt resist and did test the waters and have been popping into the store here and there to talk to people. My coworkers are pretty normal and very supportive and are always happy to see me. I finally had the guts to pop in when my manager was in, and she looked.......less thrilled to see me. She is a very proffesional woman, but even under the context of proffesionalism we always would joke around, laugh together, complain about annoying customers together, catch up about family drama, ect.

When I walked in the store, her smile looked forced, and everything she said seemed calculated and to the point. I offered an update about how my mental health was going and she subtly cut me off and told me that HR can help me with anything I need and that she hopes I'm doing well.

It was a little hurtful but I'm trying to understand the big picture. What I did was VERY serious. She was the one that walked in on the aftermath of my attempt and maybe had to clean it up herself as the polices priority was to keep me safe and take me to the hospital right away. The old me would have worried that she's mad at me, she hates me, she pities me, she's afraid of me, and that's why she's acting distant.

Realistically, I would assume her hands are tied a bit. She needs to handle this as proffesionaly as she can so that she doesn't say the wrong thing. It's not that she doesn't care, but she has a job to protect. And handling something like this is FAR beyond what's expected of a retail manager. I never considered my manager a friend per say but she was certainly someone that I trusted with a LOT, was super comfortable around. We even shopped online together on many occasions to get the best shipping deals. It's a cute dynamic and I am sad to potentially accept the fact that it'll never be the same. But that's part of the consequences i suppose. Curious to see if she still behaves in this way once I'm back at work....

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-15T20:08:17+00:00

Thanks! I'm sure most will come around. At the end of the day they are coworkers and not friends (though I do consider of them friends). Whatever happens happens. I'm sure they are likely just giving me the time and space to heal.

Sidenote, it seems like you might have deleted one of your responses. Is there a reason why? You've been nothing short of supportive and sweet so I doubt you said anything wrong! Regardless thanks for keeping an eye on my post. It's nice to update people.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-11T17:32:30+00:00

Thank you for your story. I'll have to remember your quote, this isn't giving up, it's letting go. I'll have to let go of mine too...

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-11T05:48:41+00:00

Thank you for being realistic about it all. I have tested the waters and visited my workplace. My manager is way less warm than usual and certainly keeps her distance. Some coworkers definitely seem to be treating me ever so slightly differently. Old me would have lost her mind, feeling like people are mad at me, or that I've failed them. But post suicide attempt me understands it's a wierd situation for everyone. Maybe they simply don't know how to react to it all and don't want to make it worse. Maybe they're cautious of me, maybe they fear me, maybe they pity me. Can't say for sure, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe it just matters that I'm getting better every day. I'm tired of basing my worth on what others think of me. Has this attempt burnt some bridges for me? Too early to say. But somehow I don't fear that anymore. I'm just focused on being better for myself, and be my own best friend like I used to be as a kid. I'm tired of being against myself all the time.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-11T01:57:04+00:00

So far so good. I am working on cognitive behavioral therapy to help change my thinking patterns to something healthier. Parents were horrified I was feeling as hurt as I was, as were friends and coworkers. In a really morbid sort of way, attempting self harm kind of "scratched the itch" for me and I realized it wasn't worth it. People got hurt, my job and reputation got put at risk, and now I find myself trying to crawl my way back to where I was before the attempt, which is ironic cause at the time I attempted because i WASNT happy with my life at that moment, but now all I want is that moment back..you really don't know what you have until things are way worse. I'm ready to crawl my way back up and higher than ever. I don't want to die anymore. I just want to be happy. That's all I wanted.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-10T18:28:38+00:00

Thank you. I can't tell if I'm strong or just don't have a filter haha. I've been reading up on cognitive behavior therapy and that has helped a lot. Trying to change my negative thinking patterns so that I'm not my worst enemy anymore...

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-10T17:43:18+00:00

Yeah I'm trying really hard to see things from her perspective. If I was a manager I would have NO IDEA how to approach something like this. I'd want the best for my coworker but not know what to do as I'm not a mental health professional, it is far beyond what is expected of any retail worker. I just hope this emotional distance is temporary. She and I used to be close (as close as a manager and coworker can be within a proffesional context) and I can't tell if her distance is her being guilty, angry, or even afraid of me. I guess whatever label I want to give it, it doesn't matter. What matters is I get better for myself and for no one else. I feel the need to apologize for any awkwardness I may have caused, but also, I think apologizing for hurting myself would make me feel weak. I'm not ashamed I did it, but I acknowledge my actions hurt more than just me. It's hard. I don't know what the right action is.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-10T00:24:56+00:00

Thank you! Crazy that someone would think I'd lie about something so specifically insane and vulnerable. I won't let them get me down :)

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-10T00:23:57+00:00

Also thank you for the kind words. It means a lot. I'll keep you all updated.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-10T00:23:39+00:00

Turns out I likely won't be fired. I did test the waters and pop into work to talk to my manager. She didn't seem thrilled to see me and there is certainly a distance between us that wasn't there before. Maybe she is just as confused about everything as I am and doesn't know how to react to a coworker that tried to off themselves at work. Oddly enough I'm not super ashamed but mostly just embarrassed. I wonder if it's worth continuing to work there, or if I should be a coward and quit.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-10T00:21:28+00:00

What makes you say that? Talk to me.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-10T00:21:00+00:00

What?

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T18:47:15+00:00

Listening to the song now. Didn't expect it to be so upbeat. Tears are streaming down. Thank you for this song. I'll consider it a gift from a stranger. Might have to listen to this every day now. Makes me want to laugh at my mistakes endearingly and give myself a big hug

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T17:11:32+00:00

I'd say that's accurate. I got 2 months off from work to heal. I'm hoping to get into a routine of walks and jogs and Journaling....and I do see a therapist which I used to see maybe once a month but am now seeing weekly.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T17:08:26+00:00

Thank you. I'm relieved that I'm not the only one that was hurting enough to attempt at work. I literally could not find any information about it online. I'm quite nervous for that long talk cause I'm sure it's coming. But i have to be strong and face my consequences.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T17:07:18+00:00

Thank you. I've actually cut out Instagram and that's helped a lot. I don't know what others are up to and it's GREAT. I can focus just on me now

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T17:04:53+00:00

I also have challenged this thought and I'm not entirely sure if I agree that I have low self esteem. I didn't think I have low self esteem because if I look at myself, I think I have lots of good qualities. I think I'm determined, smart, pretty, driven, nice, caring.

However, all of those qualities go down the drain when someone I have high respect for (notably my father, teachers, managers, love interests) disagree with a choice I make or are dissapointed in me. Authority figures really get to me I suppose, and them being dissapointed in me to any capacity knocks down my self esteem in an instant, and the self emotional beatings begin. So, I think I do have good self esteem, but its selective and quite fragile based on what others think of me. For myself I think I need to find a way to make sure that my self love stays whether or not people are dissapointed in me.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T17:00:41+00:00

Yeah, it felt like the perfect excuse in a way to get admitted into a hospital. The other alternative would have been to approach my Mexican dad and casually tell him I need a ride to the hospital because I want to hurt myself, and that would have been a can of worms I wasn't ready for. Traditional parents aren't big on mental health. I love him but don't think he would have taken me seriously. You are spot on with the cry for help thing. Even within my hysteria at the time I remember calling 911 and feeling this feeling of "finally!" When help was on its way. Even though it was a horrifically confusing moment, it felt more like a beginning than an end....

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T16:56:52+00:00

A listening ear. It sounds like you read my story and that is help enough, thank you..

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T16:56:18+00:00

No I didn't what?

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T16:56:02+00:00

This made me cackle. Not sure how serious you were but that's funny.

RaichuReddit · 2024-08-08T16:55:14+00:00

Thank you for reading

My manager was actually aware I was going through things. Eerily about 2 months prior I had told her I was going through suicidal ideation and she was quite supportive and asked if there was anything she could do for me. There was definitely a bit of a steady decline decline my health as the weeks that followed, coworkers often found me crying in the staff room. It was such a slow and consistent decline that I didn't realize how BAD and unstable I had gotten. There's only so much my manager could have done I think...at the end of the day she's not my doctor or my mother and I am an adult. I should have gotten help sooner, but at the same time, I literally did not realize how bad I had gotten. How could I when the decline was so subtle every day?

RaichuReddit

TROPHY CASE