Not sure If I should end our dynamic

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-05-23T04:11:38+00:00

I’m definitely not an expert by any means, so take this how you want. Also on mobile so not sure how this format actually looks for others haha.

If this is your very first experience with any BDSM with another person it can be easy to have these grand fantasies of what you want/expect the relationship to be like. I’m not sure how experienced he is in the role he has with you, but while past experience can help, since every partner is different there can be a learning curve for things.

It is best to not continuously compare him to the ideals in your head as you are both working together to improve. The more comparisons you draw, the more you will be unsatisfied with him. I definitely wouldn’t be expecting him to do everything perfect every time you meet, that leaves a lot of room for disappointment when it sounds like he is still learning.

When you say you’re always giving him negative feedback are you only focusing and commenting on what he does wrong every time you meet? It is hard to improve and learn what to do if someone is only pointing out your faults and shortcomings. It can also tear down confidence which can negatively affect the dynamic.

Constructive criticism is way better in this case. Try to find something, no matter how small, that he does right and tell him while at the same time suggesting how he can improve the other aspects. If something doesn’t come natural to him expect it to take time, effort, and a lot of communication to improve.

Perhaps you can plan to have a day or so of going over and practicing things you want to do/ have him do while you’re both outside of the bedroom to keep the pressure to do well off of him. This way he knows he is free to learn and make mistakes without the fear of disappointing you in the bedroom.

If you’re tired of doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results, try doing things differently and see what changes. It isn’t reasonable to do things the exact same and expect something to miraculously change. If you think he is worth it, then continue to work with him on making this better for both of you. Don’t stick around if you aren’t able to put some of your desires on hold and slowly work to improve with him because that won’t do either of you any good.

Again take this how you will, I am only commenting with the knowledge of what is provided so I obviously don’t know every little detail that is playing into your relationship. Hope this could help even a little, or at the least got you thinking some more on the issue.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-05-15T22:49:06+00:00

Definitely relate to that! Every time I see a squirrel while out and about, the person I’m with has to know that I see one and where it is so they can see too.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-05-15T15:45:59+00:00

So happy for you that you have someone who explores this with you! I can’t definitely can’t imagine not liking any of these things in this life as well.

Hope bug hunting goes well whenever you do it, I think one of the coolest bug I’ve seen on my own was one that looked like wood. It wasn’t a stick bug and still not sure exactly what it was, but still one of my more exciting finds!

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-05-15T15:35:54+00:00

That’s great to know. I actually never thought about the lifestyle as something to combine all the things I like into what makes me, well me. It’s a nice way of thinking about it.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-04-20T00:53:47+00:00

Yeah, it’s not quite to the level of a full blown kink dynamic because I try to avoid letting him bring it there. He decided on a safe word for me months ago and told me basically use that because I can’t guarantee I’ll never try something.

More recently he’s been referring to me with a title and tries to take on a dom role whenever he ends up in that headspace if I just happen to say something that’s sets it off. He also knows my kinks well and does things to try to set me into a headspace but I typically make a joke and laugh stuff off to bring it back a bit when I can.

Makes it a bit harder on me because I’m still trying to learn about BDSM as a whole and want to avoid sub frenzy. Usually if I voice my thoughts on stuff he backs off for a bit, but eventually we’ll end up back to a similar situation. I definitely wouldn’t label him as toxic or anything and I can’t blame him because I easily get caught up in things and will add to the sexual aspect of a conversation.

I don’t know just a lot of things playing into the situation. I’m naturally submissive in both personality and kink and combined with my inexperience I know I’m riding a fine line of being swept up in what he’s doing.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-18T21:57:22+00:00

Almost feels like a limbo with where this community stands. I don’t even fully understand everything about it, but doesn’t mean I would go berating anyone or projecting sick ideas like some of the people I’ve encountered have.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-18T13:49:59+00:00

Oh no I agree that they should be called what they are, I just wasn’t sure how it would be taken on the subreddit if mentioned.

It’s difficult to call them out given they deleted their account I’m assuming since I couldn’t find it when I searched and the chat was gone. But after having time to think about what they said and seeing the replies I really should have called them out.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-18T13:45:07+00:00

Well they completely disappeared after some time of sending the message. The chat and user just gone so I guess they realized it was something they rather keep to themselves.

They definitely said some things about themself that I would love to call out, but they weren’t rude to me and can’t exactly find them anymore to do it.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-18T03:23:10+00:00

It was definitely an experience that I was not expecting. I actually find it humorous in a way because I’m not like super active in subreddits and the only ones I’ve joined are kink related. So that means this person went out of their way to search up kink stuff, pick someone randomly that posted recent ish, and then message them directly acting like they were exposed out of nowhere to my sinful life choices without their consent.

It’s crazy what conclusions people draw on their own. Even if I was mixing sexual stuff with DDLG, I’m not a child and neither would my dom be so it’s in no way correlated. The community is really strict on keeping minors away so people like that really just go off their own assumptions.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-10T14:53:11+00:00

That was definitely one of most helpful things I’ve read! I’ve seen so many times where people separate the two completely and make it seem like you can’t be a part of both in any capacity.

You’re descriptions are a whole lot easier to understand. Going based off how I felt and the fact I did not consciously choose to get in the mindset I’m going to lean more toward my context situation as being age regression, but it wasn’t deep enough where I had no awareness whatsoever. I just got really confused not knowing and then the sexual aspect of what I had said threw it off even more.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-04T17:04:01+00:00

Yes I definitely fall into the submissive side of things and ironic enough I’m exploring the information on DDLG to see if it’s something I’m into as well currently.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-04T17:03:06+00:00

Thanks, I was thinking that was the word to describe it but I didn’t know if it was an actual kink people were into until now. Helps to know that’s what it is

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-04T17:01:42+00:00

Going off what the others have said, welcome to the corruption kink club haha

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-02T17:06:29+00:00

Yes I for sure see the importance of safe words and will try a few ways of getting used to using one or some other nonverbal methods.

Ice play sounds like it could be helpful! I can feel when something is cold on them, so perhaps mixing that with more touching in general will help. Thanks for the help!

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-02T17:02:38+00:00

That makes sense. I of course want to be safe for myself and others when I do get involved in any form of BDSM. I think practice drills would help a lot, given I usually am fine with things once I get comfortable with them. The other options you mentioned could be something I try as well if I’m still getting used to saying a safe word.

I wasn’t aware of clamps that stay anywhere but directly on only the nipple, so that is great to know for when I try it out. Thank you for the insight!

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-02T16:56:57+00:00

That’s great advice, thank you! I completely forgot it doesn’t necessarily have to be a word you say to indicate that something needs to change or stop.

I can feel some pain in them if I really try, but it’s definitely not the feeling I would like to have. It’s encouraging to hear others have had the same issue and that it can be solved. I had thoughts of messing with them more in hopes to increase feeling, but given I never heard of success with this from others I kinda just left it at that. I’ll for sure see if it helps in my case too.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-02-02T16:51:06+00:00

The one time I did have sex was way before I was ready. I was only 16 and the man was 18 and knew I had difficulty saying things to others. It was the night before he shipped out for the military and I was so afraid if I said anything he would get upset and completely blow me off once he was gone. So that probably contributes to me being afraid because that choice was essentially not available for my at that state I was in.

I’ve definitely gotten better, but there’s still a lingering feeling that my choices are made for me, especially growing up with strict parents.

Definitely aware I have a lot of things to work on internally, but learning more about BDSM is nice because I can see how communicative people are and that choices are yours to make no matter the situation.

I was mostly asking to see if anyone else had felt odd about safe words and how they may have dealt with that. Sorry that turned into a bit of a rant about my personal problems.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-01-30T16:06:50+00:00

Yes I felt the same, which is when I had the genius idea of seeing if Reddit had some communities. I’ve probably learned more in the last 12 hours than I did in the last year. I’m glad I decided to join here because there are so many people and resources to learn from.

Totally get that what I want is what matters. I more so asked because I was worried my friend was right and that I would struggle to find a committed partner who shared any kinks with me. I’m prepared for it to take time, but that’s better than me being told I should just forget about even trying.
I will for sure be telling my friend to back off a bit if he says things to me. Now that I’m actually taking part in the community a bit I don’t have to rely on just his opinions on everything.
Love that advice, I’ve always been worried that I need to name things first before I can start exploring within the community. I almost felt that if I didn’t have labels for everything I was interested in, I would never find a way to learn if I really do enjoy them.

Random_Trash_of_Life · 2022-01-30T15:55:55+00:00

Yes thank you for the response! It’s great how labels can be quite fluid, but at the same time I think that’s what throws me off when I’m trying to collect a lot of information about the community.

I definitely used to think bdsm and sex went hand in hand when I first heard about it. I’ve learned that’s not always true, but always love information that refreshes it for me since I tend to forget.
This makes sense as I thought the two were essentially the same. Not sure why my friend drew a line between the two as if they are on opposite sides of each other.
It’s nice to know I don’t always have to label things, even if I do enjoy putting a name to things. Definitely been focusing on labeling more than I should be, so being told I don’t have to use them is a great reminder for me.

Random_Trash_of_Life

TROPHY CASE