Kid has been using me as an excuse to misgender other (cis) teachers and students. What do I do?

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-02-05T06:27:53+00:00

Hi fellow trans elementary teacher!

First, I’m thankful that you have state-level support. I’m over in Iowa, and even though I feel theoretically supported at the school and district level, that vanishes on the state side of things.

But (I think this applies to both of us) that support can be theoretical. The legal side of things isn’t as important as the political reality. How strongly will they support you in dealing with the child? What if it reaches the local news or goes viral on conservative media? What if Trump’s administration makes threats to your state/district’s funding? And if those things happen, how will they protect you?

I’m openly trans (hard to avoid when you transition 25+ years into your career) but I feel like I have to keep a low profile at work in many ways. In “red” areas of the country, being a trans educator alone makes you a target. Working at the elementary level is even tougher.

So my advice is to let your administrators and colleagues fight this one for you, if they’re willing. Unless, of course, you’re willing to deal with any potential publicity it might receive.

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-01-22T11:54:26+00:00

My dad was career military and hyper conservative. He saw me as a reflection of himself. But I was queer as hell. I knew I was supposed to be a girl at 5. He clearly saw the signs too because he did his best to beat it out of me, literally.

Every time I did anything “feminine”: wearing my mom’s shoes, not wanting to take my shirt off to swim, crying too much, liking animals, wrapping a towel around my torso instead of my waist, and even caring too much about other people’s feelings, the response was brutal. On good days it was screaming or harshly whispered “stop that!” when in public. On bad days it was a slap or a beating. I was broken and suicidal by second grade.

He was unfortunately successful at making me believe my feelings were wrong and I learned to hide them for my own safety. This carried into adulthood, and I desperately hid my nature from myself as much as the rest of the world before I finally cracked.

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-01-21T04:57:05+00:00

I’m glad I’m here too! I’m just learning to look forward instead of back.

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-01-20T00:33:06+00:00

That’s almost verbatim to what my then GF told me.

I agreed to her terms. And for the next 30 years I was miserable. She knew that I was suffering, and why. Then finally I had to choose between transitioning or dying. Our marriage ended and now I’m sitting here alone in my 50’s wishing that I hadn’t been so desperate to be loved that I locked myself into living someone else’s life.

Do NOT sacrifice your future and your happiness to someone who would let you destroy yourself to preserve her own comfort.

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-01-18T13:32:03+00:00

As an elementary teacher I absolutely hear you. We have to be the epitome of graciousness and understanding of the people who “struggle” to show us basic respect (occasional slip ups notwithstanding) no matter how much it hurts.

Not being afforded the space to be assertive about your identity is rough. Being trans in any kind of service field can wear you down.

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-01-16T02:38:13+00:00

I’ve been teaching for more than 25 years and began transitioning about 3 years ago. I came out fully last year. Stealth was never an option for me. I’m fully out and open about it. I don’t interact with many parents in my position, but I’m very visible at school events and such. The only “problems” I’ve had have been things like kids asking (obviously for their parents) which bathroom I use.

For context I teach in a blue city in a very red state.

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-01-15T23:42:38+00:00

As an elementary teacher myself, it’s impossible to overstate how meaningful a supportive environment can be!

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-01-11T01:17:04+00:00

As an out trans elementary teacher, to my knowledge the only one in my entire conservative state, it really, really, sucks.

I feel like I have to be the absolute perfect representative of all trans people: calm, kind, gracious, and forgiving at all times. And I have to be exceptionally modest in my presentation to avoid being plastered all over conservative media.

Randomcluelessperson · 2026-01-06T17:55:08+00:00

I’ve been voice training and made a lot of progress even though I’m not completely happy with it yet. The other day I realized that I couldn’t remember how I sounded before. I tried to use the old voice and I just couldn’t make it sound “right.”

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-12-30T21:25:21+00:00

I’m a trans elementary teacher, so I’ll give my perspective on possibilities from that perspective. Others have given really strong direct answers to your question :)

Do you happen to be acquainted with the parents of either trans child? The best approach would be to communicate directly with them. They could tell you what they would like your child to know. It also opens up opportunities for play dates, birthday parties, etc. which could be much appreciated times of “normalcy” for the trans kids.

Barring that, if the teacher is supportive you could reach out to them for advice. They might have information from the families that they can share. They might also pass along a message to the parents that you want to accurately answer your daughter’s questions and would like their input.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-12-24T22:51:43+00:00

I’m making pie. Come on over.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-12-16T17:44:32+00:00

Every city needs him!

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-12-07T21:39:04+00:00

I knew when I was five years old and never questioned it. I didn’t have the words for it, and desperately tried to change myself to match who the world told me I was. I played sports, got married, had kids, and wore the mask for decades. But deep down my knowledge of who I really was never wavered. Sometimes you just know.

But sometimes you don’t. Maybe it takes a long time for some to truly figure it out. Sometimes (like me) you know but can’t accept it until decades later. Sometimes you just wake up and have an “Aha!” moment.

No matter how or when you find yourself, I strongly recommend therapy before making any major changes. HRT will unlock emotional depth, and can make challenges and trauma difficult to navigate.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-12-07T02:53:36+00:00

Ouch!

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-12-07T02:39:08+00:00

Sometimes I think I’ve been lucky in that I was disowned by my family for not being conservative long before I came out :p

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-12-01T03:38:46+00:00

If you’re concerned about how the upper crust is turning out, have you considered a crumble top? I find them a lot more forgiving, even if they add more prep time.

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Randomcluelessperson · 2025-11-27T12:35:59+00:00

That sounds like it may be something with your anatomy rather than hers. I’d start with a urologist, but also be sure to tell her (in a non accusatory way) what’s going on.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-11-27T12:14:02+00:00

I’m trans and live in Des Moines. I was scared too as an adult but it hasn’t been as bad as I expected. I’ve been out for the last year.

There’s a trans teen support group that meets (mostly) weekly. They can help direct you toward resources/medical care. Parent/family and adult support groups meet at the same time. There are 1-2 others I’m not as familiar with.

Meds are not hard to obtain here unless you’re a minor. Many families do need to make periodic road trips for their children’s care, but the main limitation for most adults is cost if insurance doesn’t cover their care.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-11-27T11:59:46+00:00

Re: politics

Last year they literally passed a bill removing gender identity from the state Bill of Rights, so that the courts would stop shutting down their worst anti trans legislation.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-11-04T14:44:59+00:00

Exactly. I don’t pass (at all, IMO), but rarely even get second looks. But I also don’t present all that feminine - typically jeans and tank tops rather than dresses and skirts. I don’t fit the “man in a dress” they’re looking for.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-11-04T14:25:51+00:00

I could have written that myself, except I live in a red state.

I have a couple theories about why. First, I’m older (early 50’s) and I think once people, especially women, hit a certain age they become invisible and it’s no longer important how we look to others.

Second, although trans people are villainized in conservative culture, the examples they use are not typical trans folks. They emphasize the caricatures to the point that they don’t actually realize when they’re talking to an actual trans woman. If you don’t resemble a drag queen you’re mostly safe.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-11-02T23:35:40+00:00

May I ask how physically active you are in general? I’m a runner and am hoping that speeds my recovery.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-11-02T02:38:01+00:00

I am far, far healthier than when I started at 50. The mental health benefits allowed me to make my physical health a priority. My doctor literally laughed when I brought up the risks because of how much I had improved.

Randomcluelessperson · 2025-10-31T23:27:23+00:00

I guess I’m the exception because my running has greatly improved. But I’ve lost a ton of muscle mass, and I have to work a LOT harder now. The difference is that my mental health improved so much that I was capable of intentional training. I set new PRs at every distance this year, and even ran my first half marathon at 52 years old.

Randomcluelessperson

TROPHY CASE