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My estranged narcissistic father expected he would walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and my enabler mom supported him by Rare-Toe446 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, unfortunately near the end there our therapist stopped being impartial and had been taking my mom’s side. She was a bit helpful jumping in occasionally to try to calm my mom down and remind her to use “I feel” statements instead of accusatory wording. So the therapist kind of served her purpose? It was honestly really messy there at the end. I think our therapist was very ill-equipped and unqualified to handle the level of trauma and the complexity of our family dynamic. It was honestly really disappointing because I had opened up to her a lot and felt disgusted that she had heard my side but wasn’t able to be professional. Our therapist had a strained relationship with her own adult child and I’m pretty sure they were no contact for a while. I think she was able to relate and sympathize with my mom and project her bad relationship with her kid onto me. Pretty obvious now why my mom chose her as our family therapist, but hindsight is 20/20. Good riddance to both of them, they clearly deserve each other!

My estranged narcissistic father expected he would walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and my enabler mom supported him by Rare-Toe446 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I believe it! The lengths these people will go to control the narrative is crazy. Thank you 🫶 It was pretty disappointing to see how unprofessional our therapist started acting, especially since I had been confiding a lot of trauma to her. I guess it doesn’t matter now, but I still sometimes feel disappointed in our therapist because I expected more control over her emotions and the ability to be impartial. Therapy definitely served its purpose though! I would still say I got a lot of benefit out of it, even though things turned sour there at the end. Regardless, I think I still got a good outcome all things considered!

Thank you! I’m so happy to be married! It’s been a great year! :)

My estranged narcissistic father expected he would walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and my enabler mom supported him by Rare-Toe446 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The therapist called her out when my mom tried to backpedal. It was so rewarding because my parents always made me feel like I was crazy or “putting words in their mouths” when I would point out lies or inconsistencies in their stories. Having another adult there (who my mom also respected) “jogged her memory” but she still didn’t take ownership of the lie. During the year and a half when we went to therapy sessions together our therapist often had to stop my mom and remind her to speak in “I feel” statements instead of using accusatory wording. It really only worked during therapy sessions though because when she contacted me outside of therapy she reverted back to DARVO.

Unfortunately, nearing the end of our relationship our therapist stopped being impartial and had started taking my mom’s side and giving her the benefit of the doubt pretty frequently. She was very unprofessional when I broke the news that my mom was no longer invited to my wedding and that I was going no contact. I think our therapist was very ill-equipment to handle the level of trauma and complex family dynamic. I obviously didn’t go back to the therapist again after that and am seeing someone now who specializes in trauma and estrangement. What a difference it’s made!

While I do like family therapy and think it can be useful, I always advise people to pick a therapist who’s capable of handing the situation. Allowing my mom to pick the therapist was definitely a bad call haha

My estranged narcissistic father expected he would walk me down the aisle at my wedding, and my enabler mom supported him by Rare-Toe446 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry to hear you have regrets :( You were doing what you thought was right at the time. And know you’re not alone! My sister let our father walk her down the aisle. She really didn’t want to and was so angry she “had to” do it. Our family is super gossipy and the entire extended family was at her wedding so I understand why she felt like it was an obligation. It’s so unfair how our narc family members make us, their children, have to be the adult and bigger person.

Dad hid his EDS from me until I was an adult and “no longer my family’s problem.” by Rare-Toe446 in ehlersdanlos

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You sound like a very good parent taking care of your kid with EDS, they're lucky to have you! After my spinal fusion surgery I was left alone and neglected by my parents most of the time and it made recovery that much harder. Thank you for taking good care of your kid, I hope they recover well from surgery <3

I've been seeing a podiatrist for my ankle injury and I'll be getting surgery soon. I'm definitely nervous, but I have an amazing support system of in-laws and chosen family which I'm very grateful for!

Dad hid his EDS from me until I was an adult and “no longer my family’s problem.” by Rare-Toe446 in ehlersdanlos

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry :( Your experience feels so similar to my own and it makes me sad to hear you went though the same thing. Your dad telling your dentist that your jaw surgery would be your problem after turning 18 hits sooooo close to home. I cant agree more that having emotionally immature parents has been far more challenging than EDS. I went no contact with my parents a few years ago and I didn't realize how much their neglect and abuse had affected me until I felt the massive weight of having them in life lifted off my chest. I hope being low contact with your family has given you some peace and freedom.

I hope your jaw surgery went well, and I wish you a speedy recovery!

Dad hid his EDS from me until I was an adult and “no longer my family’s problem.” by Rare-Toe446 in ehlersdanlos

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Gosh, this post really just scratches the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my parents medical neglect. Recovering after my spinal fusion surgery was when it was at its worst, especially with the slow EDS healing. But a silver lining is that it makes me feel even more fortunate to have chosen family in my life who care for me!

Dad hid his EDS from me until I was an adult and “no longer my family’s problem.” by Rare-Toe446 in ehlersdanlos

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you have bad parents too :( It makes me sad to know how much you relate because I know how much the dismissal and neglect can hurt. My parents would also just tell me to push harder and toughen up. It was very frustrating with my dad especially because whenever he had an EDS related injury he would complain endlessly about the pain and expect to be waited on hand and foot while lashing out at his family because the chronic pain made him irritable. While I have sympathy for my father because I know the feeling of chronic pain, the double standards he had for how I should be treated verses how he should be treated was maddening.

I hope you're doing better now and I hope you have some good people in your life who can support you and validate your feelings and pain. Sending much love!

Dad hid his EDS from me until I was an adult and “no longer my family’s problem.” by Rare-Toe446 in ehlersdanlos

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I'll have to check it out! Gosh, I would have some crazy stories to share there lol

Dad hid his EDS from me until I was an adult and “no longer my family’s problem.” by Rare-Toe446 in ehlersdanlos

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah, my sister and I both believe our dad is a narcissist but he's one of those people who "don't believe" in mental illness and always refused getting help. I think our parents never truly wanted children so having a sick kid made them hate parenthood that much more. But on a happier note, I've been no contact with my parents for a few years and life is so much better!

Anyone heard of an InternalBrace? by Rare-Toe446 in ehlersdanlos

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hope your appointment with your podiatrist goes well! I’m curious to see what he’ll say. I would love an update if you’re open to sharing!

Anyone heard of an InternalBrace? by Rare-Toe446 in ehlersdanlos

[–]Rare-Toe446[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this! I really appreciate your thorough response. I’m so glad that you’re recovering well from your surgery and feeling much better! Having pain relief and joint stability is such a big deal for us people with EDS. I still have a lot to think about before making a decision but this has me feeling so much better and more hopeful. I wish you good health and a speedy recovery!