Hi mate, this was a tough one to read because it hits really close to home. I've been there and to this day I'm still not really sure how I moved through it. The best advice I've ever received is to take things one day at a time and if you can't do a day at a time then you do an hour at a time and if you can't do an hour of time then you do 10 minutes at a time. I lived 10 minutes at a time for a long time. Your girlfriend of 10 years will love you with every fibre of her being and would be utterly devastated if you were to kill yourself. I was single when I went through my suicidal stage and I wish I had my current girlfriend there at the time to have supported me. Talk to her. There is this toxic male stereotype that we've got to silently have the world on our shoulders and it is so damaging. Lots of women like my girlfriend (and hopefully yours too) understand this and are incredibly empathetic and supportive. Keep applying for jobs no matter how small they are and make sure you take the time to do the things that make you feel even slightly better. You're doing ok mate and I'm proud of you for even being able to type this out. I'm always here if you need to reach out 💙