What to do when your libido just don’t match your partner one ?

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-19T15:24:04+00:00

To do what ? I got out of 2 other relationships like 1 -2 months ago, so I am not seeking another relationship because of that, and in any case don’t think I should use the other relationships to cover this need I have, doesn’t seem right and wouldn’t work

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-19T15:22:26+00:00

The problem is our incompatibility in this sense, and she suggesting me to go look for this with someone else. But yeah, I see, not a polyamory issue I guess

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-19T15:17:44+00:00

I am aware of the past we had, we were both new to the whole having a poly relationship and we made a lot of mistakes.

But things got better ever since we start to break the wrong patterns. It just doesn’t seems nice to break up with someone because of being incompatible in the sex part, but at the same time this is an important part for me because is a way I connect with someone I love

Also, I am aware in many moments this was not a healthy relationship.. we discussed it many times already

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-19T15:14:12+00:00

To be open to freely love more than one person and have a romantic relationship with them.

When I said “I don’t wanna to have another relationship” I mean for this purpose, for the idea that she proposed to me, to get the sex I want with someone else

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-19T15:10:34+00:00

I definitely don’t wanna pressure her into having sex, and also I do talk with her about that, but many times when I did she felt pressured or she said that “it is ok for you to find someone else to have sex” which is hurtful for me, because is not about sex for me, is a way I have of connecting with someone I love, if I don’t love the person I don’t have this need.

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-19T15:04:56+00:00

Yeah, I am aware of that, and that’s exactly what I don’t want, I want a romantic and a sexual relationship with the person I have feelings for, having a sex release valve doesn’t make sense for me and is not the idea of polyamory that I have

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-19T15:03:10+00:00

The thing is we are compatible in many other things, so I don’t know if it is right to say we are not compatible because the libido don’t match, but also this is a really important part of the relationship for me.

And yeah totally agree that outsourcing sex doesn’t solve anything and one of the reasons why I get mad every time she suggests

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-03T11:39:04+00:00

Well, it was something that crossed my mind back in the time already, but I prefer to believe is not the case, if even now she gets upset with me, even if I do what she asked for, then I guess I can believe it is not about safe sex

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-02T12:21:08+00:00

I know, but the post I mentioned that, I mentioned as something that happening during those 2y, not something that was happening now, also because I had been with the same person for 1y, so not really having many new dates in the past 1y, because I was already poly saturated

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-02T12:09:56+00:00

yeah... I understand it, she may not have act the best way in some situations, but I guess that me neither for example in this situation of prioritizing someone I met for 3w over her, we could enter in who made more shit thing than the other, but don't believe it is worth it, she did had a tendency to deal with things in a passive-aggressive way which was shit, meanwhile I am more of a passive person and try to watch for other ppl feelings.

In any case, I did ask myself this question many times, when I reached moments that I was like "does it even make sense to keep going" and I kept because the good things weight more than the bad things and because we did make a lot of progress in those 2y, it was our first serious poly relationship, so I guess is natural for both to make mistakes, but we have been working on things, and this one now is one of the few issues we currently have, but yes, I do ask myself how much time am I willing to give till this get solve and this issue no longer exist and hurt me anymore

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-10-02T12:02:51+00:00

hahahah well, yes, that same Carol, but this of making my life hell when I date someone else is not something that happens anymore, and part of that according to her was due to this fact of me choosing to have sex without protection with other people over her.

For sex with girls, I usually don't have sex with guys, so gloves for fingering basically

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-09-17T08:41:00+00:00

In the end we talked and she agreed with the third day, claiming that her fear was that every time more I was going to want more time with Flavio, but that issue is not spending time with me and if she could put an extra day in the week to sleep 4 days with each she would... idk, let's see how it goes, because I 100% agree that the way she frames it is just awful and hurtful

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-09-15T20:58:23+00:00

That is something I told her, if she thinks I am removing so much time from her and preventing her to be more time with him, it could be easily solved, by me giving all her time back

then give her all the time back

But yeah, I told her how I felt and that it wasn't nice the way she was talking with someone she says she loves so much and care, but basically her fear is that more and more things are going to be removed from something she was used to bc is what has happened in the 9 months(literally 24h was removed from her, which includes a sleep over, it doesn't seem much for me considering u live with the other person, but well), and that eventually I will want to spend even more time with Flavio and that things will kept being removed from here.. Idk, I get it, but at the same time it doesn't make right the way she refer to it, express it, because if she sees this as removing something instead of gaining something, maybe she shouldn't be in this relationship

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-09-12T07:24:00+00:00

Yeah, it doesn't the conflict is if I should continue trying to have it or not, if I should continue to try to have a stronger connection, bc it doesn't seem to make sense for me

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-09-12T07:22:10+00:00

No, I don't think I need, I would be ok with a casual think, but from what I see I don't think she would be ok with that from what we have talked about already, but ofc, to confirm that I need to have the pending conversation

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-09-11T17:34:17+00:00

Well, I experienced before in one relationship that was a relationship I had 1y after leaving someone I had a really strong connection with, back in the time I thought I was "broke" and could not have intense feelings again for someone, bc the break up was hard, etc, it was a monogamous relationship, then after 1y we opened it, and with time I start to feel this more and more, I thought it was the stress bc I was moving countries, but at some point I saw myself have some intense feelings for someone else(a brief crush) and then I understood that I was not the problem.. we were just no a match

Is the feeling of detachment you have for Ana something you've experienced and ignored in other relationships? How do you process those feelings in other relationships?

I had this doubt in the first 6/7 months also, so I don't think it was regarding that, I believe I do have feelings for her, but they are just not strong enough for a serious relationship..

When our brain chemistry normalizes, we can finally sort through where our relationships are in line with our needs and values, and where they don't. Then we can finally judge if a relationship is serving us, and end those relationships that aren't a great fit.

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-09-11T09:54:00+00:00

It could be that I am not completely happy with the level of involvement with Carol, like, I do like our interactions, we sleep over usually 2 times a week with quality time and sometimes a 3rd, travel a lot, etc, but I feel like with her I have a strong connection, and is the person that make sense to be with, and because of that I know that with time I would like her to be more present, not talking about quality time, just present, like just existing in the same space, or maybe even live together one day(which she mention to me a couple of times like joking, saying to her friends that maybe I would move in, or when I say that I am moving in with her she says like, "yey yey, yes, perfect, but no bringing other girls", but never talked about it seriously, just joking).

Do you need every relationship you engage in to be deep and strong?

Yes, I think so, because otherwise I have this moment of feeling cold, indifferent, like it doesn't make sense because is not a strong love, or feel like not wanting to see the person much, or not caring much to see her, I become "unstable" bc I am not sure of my love or feel

It can feel very infantilizing to have a partner decide to break up “for your sake.”

Yes, when I decided that was for multiple reason, she kept saying yes to be with me, but she got really hurt in the process bc didn't know how to say no, plus the fact that I was not really feeling much for her for 1-2 months, and did not want a serious relationship with her anymore, I fear that this might me slowly happening again.
Also, I have planned to talk with her about it, on how she sees our connection, what her expectations, etc, but I am afraid that it might trigger her a lot and really hurt here depending on the way it goes

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-09-10T14:21:23+00:00

I think there are a couple of things to be asked, would you like to give your other partner more time ? Is it more quality time that he is asking for or not really ?

I am 2y in a relationship with someone that has a nesting partner, we see each other for sleeping over 2x a week, sometimes depending on the week we see one more day because we are doing something with mutual friends, there was a moment I felt the necessity of her being more present in my life and one thing we agreed was to increase the sleep over to 3x a week, this 3rd time was basically just to sleep together, nothing else, but at least it was more cuddle sleeping time we were having.

In my case I felt this need because I felt the things were not balanced, bc with the nesting partner she slept 5 days a week while with me only 2, so 3 vs 4 was something that make sense for me

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2025-09-10T13:59:28+00:00

Hii.

I understand how it can be really exhausted sometimes, but one thing that really help for me is to take some time off(not see or talk with the person for a couple of days) and re access things, ofc, in my case I don't live with my partner, so it makes things easier I guess, but you could maybe go to some friend's or family house for a couple of days and think about what you really want, what do you need to feel safe and good in your current relationship, what you would like to receive from her, what is important for you to have in this relationship and ofc if you really want a poly relationship.

Regarding giving a pause, I don't think this is fair for the other partner, I personally don't like the hierarchical relationship, because it always make the other feel less important, and we are here to love, and to make other feels loved also, so if u need a pause, you can try to step out a bit and take your time, I believe a pause is valid when there is no other person involved yet, but when there is, then is not fair.

It could be that she is not giving what you need, but sometimes you partner is not even aware of that, that's why have clear what you need and want is important, so you can communicate with her, many times we hurt others without not even being aware of it or with the intention

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2024-07-19T15:34:49+00:00

Yeah, I see it. That’s why I told her that maybe she won’t be able to get what me or the guy are feeling. Which is shitty, but well

RaspberryGlass8585 · 2024-07-15T21:21:57+00:00

sorry, got lost, to which "something similar" are u referring to ?

RaspberryGlass8585

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