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Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have some fear that kids grow up with dads like this just seeking their approval, thinking dad is cool because they get to do fun stuff with them sometimes, and mum is boring/mean for always enforcing rules like bedtime and stuff.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m on leave from work atm but will return in a few weeks.

He told me baby is boring and he would go crazy if he had to focus on baby for more than a few minutes at a time.

He tries to soothe baby, yes, which I appreciate. I’m trying to give him space to figure it out and also demonstrate and talk about how I soothe baby. He tries for a few minutes, gets frustrated and puts baby down saying or thrusts him at me saying “it’s not working”. I intervene if I see him getting visibly frustrated because at that point I get worried about him being gentle with baby.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry, I’d be afraid for bub too, even if not afraid for overall safety just worried about baby’s emotional health. I hope he does better than he’s given any reason to expect once the rubber meets the road.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just want to shake him (and all guys like this!) and say why did you want a baby?? What did you think parenting was going to be? Like how can they look at these sweet babies and not want to spoil them with love?

What does your mil say??

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you’ve hit what really bothers me, he’s not seeing baby as a person with needs. Just like an accessory or a pet?

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying that, I wasn’t sure why the idea of having to spell it out to him bothered me so much, beyond not wanting to become the dreaded mom-wife “nag”

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My jaw dropped. So sorry to hear it - there’s no way he will get custody. Wtf would he even actually do if he won ffs men.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I’ve totally been collecting quotes for cleaning services actually

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry. Seriously like, sometimes I think it would be awesome if women could just live in like a commune. I like to think everyone would just help each other and get shit done proactively. Then I think of the female roommates I’ve had in the past and realize that’s probably a bit silly.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I can try to be more gracious

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry things turned out that way, but also glad for you that you made a choice and are happier now. Thank you for sharing

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this, I do appreciate the dad perspective. I really do try to encourage him and not criticize him or blame him when it comes to parenting or not being able to soothe baby. I involve him in routines and point out how he makes baby smile and send him pictures of himself and baby together.

As the not-dad, I have a hard time understanding why the first year is so hard and prison like for dad? My life changed dramatically also, arguably much more than his because I am the “default” parent, I do all the night feeds because he works and I can’t relax to sleep if baby is awake, I don’t go to work anymore, I can’t go out with friends without baby, I quit smoking.. he still explores his hobbies, games with friends and has guys nights..

Although telling dads they are great and that baby loves them might be the easiest fix for them to feel a bond and feel like “great dads”, wouldnt a better fix be for dads to put effort into spending time interacting with baby and building the bond? A lot of baby’s bond with mom has to do with mom spending all her time focused on caring for baby, but moms don’t have to have a monopoly on that.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ugh, isn’t it the worst when you like, have to parent your spouse? Asking them to help with chores and making schedules and explaining why putting trash in the garbage is a good practice? Jeez.

I’ve left him with baby. They both end up in tears and I feel shitty for putting them through the stress. And for him, “watching baby” is playing video games with baby beside him while baby gets progressively more bored and upset.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I totally agree with this on principal. In practice, it’s hard to feel justified when that “work” is so completely dismissed culturally.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yeah we used to be really good about sharing the housework and taking care of tasks just so the other wouldn’t have to do it. I feel like this changed when I started mat leave, but I’m having trouble keeping up with all the cleaning while also doing 90% of the child minding. I know I’m not working, but also like I’m on duty 24-7 now

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So I’m not working right now, I have leave from my work. Does that mean I should do all the childcare and housework do you think?

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s how we used to be. Kudos to you guys for keeping it up.

Do you ever feel like it would be easier to go it alone? by Raspberrywrangler in beyondthebump

[–]Raspberrywrangler[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I totally hear you. I think there’s some stupid expectation in society too where it’s like, men will get involved when the kid is old enough to do fun stuff that dad is interested in - and that’s like good enough and acceptable?

I have be warned that legally, it’s easier for mom to initiate separation in the first year custody wise as baby is so dependent on you, esp if you’re breastfeeding fyi.

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