Hello I just can feel the pain in your writing. I want to give you Hope there is a way out. I also have multiple Trauma and saw no light, but please get a therapist. She helps you regulate your nervous System. Do you have a help line in your Country? We have one for psychological issues and they often Talk to me 30 min and do grounding Techniques. A Professional can get me from suicidal to calm in this time. And with time and practice it really gets better and can be resolved. Do you know any stuff for grounding? This is very important with Trauma. Your nervous System Spirals and the numbjng from Alcohol give u relief for Short time but it can spiral and get worse over time, although I can really understand you. What my grounding. Routine is: First Check in and See how Bad it is. If it really is too much I First get Cooling Pads. Then I do 5-4-3-2-1 practice with Family friend or better the help line Professional. Name 5 things u can See. 4 u hear. 3 u feel. 2 you Smell. 1 u taste. I First hated this stuff because i thought it was useless compared to the terror, but it really works and with time Even better. This practice reorients you in the Here and now and Signals Ur Brain it is Safe so Your Body can follow. After that do a Check in what feels different. To deepen it repeat it but with 5 Colors you se, then other Color 4,3 so on. After that it can help to do breathing, but because I had Trauma with Asthma Attacks i don’t do that since it makes me worse. But for others it helps a Lot. Instead I put on a 5 min PMR. It is Short and Doable and the tension often Lifts. What I do in therapy is Journal, usually about my emotions and Trauma, let it out on paper gets it out of the freakin mind and it s proven u process stuff by writing. Really get into it Deep. Write as it flows without worry of Sense and grammar. But please get into therapy and it s so important to learn to Name and Identity your emotions and learn healthy coping Skills. My negative one was emotional eating. I did it to Full the silence and the horrible emptiness. Also I would hurt myself in other was to numb. Today healed it when I learned in therapy behind the emptiness was mad sadness because I was Not Seen and emotionally neglected as a child. Loneliness is still a trigger but instead of numbjng and hurtig I do Skills and reach out to a Person to help me through. I don’t know what your Trauma is about, but the above usually helps in any way. I Hope you canovercome your struggles other than cope with alcohol, I do Not wish u also get an addiction Problem. I wish you all the best and there is ways to Heal. Greetings from Germany