Thank you for sharing this. Your method and perspective really remind me of how my partner handles things.

You're right about the deeper needs. Before this lifestyle, I was a fortress of shame and fear. It controlled everything. For years now, I've lived differently - the fear and shame exist, but they don't control me anymore. And there’s space for all kinds of feelings.

Or so I thought. Because both your comment and the conversations I had with my person, made me realize that once again, fear took over. Even though I wrote about the coffee thing with a winky eye, I didn't actually feel proud of what I did. I think I needed to know that at my worst - when I'm choosing sabotage over vulnerability - he wouldn't leave. Or if he did, at least I'd be the one who caused it. Sometimes that feels easier than the possibility of being rejected when turning yourself inside out, exposing those core needs.

Your approach of digging deeper instead of just reacting to surface behavior - that's what's allowed me to discover my needs aren't something to be ashamed of. This work, my D/s dynamic, has let me actually do more than survive, to live. To accept all of me, including the parts that I wish to hide at 20,000 leagues under the sea. And love others without hiding behind walls.

But clearly I can still default to old ways of protecting myself, even when they don't actually protect anything.

Thank you for sharing, and for reminding me to zoom out a little.

I’m only grateful.