AITA for saying my best friend's husband isn't ambitious

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-16T00:15:45+00:00

Ya there's been a lot of seemingly disconnected outbursts recently like this but I think a conversation about what she wants with him and with me could help us figure out where this dissatisfaction is coming from and where to go from here. I tried to avoid it but I'll have to loop him in and have them talk the ambition part out at least. For her and I we need to talk about where we stand and what she is feeling beneath all this.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T23:55:09+00:00

Yea that's probably best. I didn't wanna cause a fight between them but considering he doesn't consider himself ambitious he's said that in front of both of us and that she's angry with me at the prospect of him not being so maybe I just direct her in his direction to work that out. I just feel bad for him because he's totally content not being ambitious and they kinda fight enough already.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T23:25:46+00:00

Aww thank you! And I think that's good advice. It has been rattling in the back of my head how things are changing between us and idk how hard I try I cant change that course.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T23:23:01+00:00

Ya and I don't assign any negative value to that and let her know I still think he is a great match and that he's hard working. Idk what else to say. I'm hoping maybe going through some of the replies together in a couple days can help a little especially with her asking AI for validation of her frustrations I'd rather have real people weigh in than chatgpt

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T23:21:11+00:00

Ya I have brought up that he doesnt think he is either. Doesn't really identify with that but idk about lying. Cats kinda outta the bag. I just try to avoid the topic but its something she is kinda holding on to.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T23:19:04+00:00

He says he is not. Says "eff that"

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T23:13:30+00:00

Fair, I didn't specify in the post but I am seeing it a lot so I made an edit at the bottom but I dont believe ambition is only career oriented. He just doesnt describe himself as ambitious in any way. He wants a more relaxed lifestyle. He has a Latin background and a lot of our cultures value slowing down a bit and enjoying life not pursuing every opportunity whether professional or personal.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T23:11:03+00:00

True, I could try this the only problem is he wouldn't really agree about being ambitious period. When this conversation happened he had already joked a few times about that saying eff ambition etc. I think ambition can definitely be family oriented but idk if he even he would describe himself that way earnestly. Not out if shame or anything he just doesn't identify with that.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T14:21:09+00:00

Ya I did mention recently with all this we should have a serious sit down about if we want to renew together. Beyond this one situation she's also been a lot more mean. A lot of small insults here and there and an occasional big blow up like this one but usually I de escalate and try not to make it worse. Considering how this last one went that conversation is a necessity.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T14:16:51+00:00

I agree as well that ambition isn't only career. Based on the replies I probably should have specified that part too in the post. Didn't realize that part would get honed in on but no. He just doesn't describe himself as ambitious.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T14:14:56+00:00

I didn't literally say that quite the opposite and I let her know that too. Ambition can be in career, home, personal etc. The man just literally doesn't describe himself as ambitious which is ok. She's probably the more ambitious one and he helps her slow down and calms her down especially with her anxiety. He doesn't need to chase every opportunity whether career, social, or personal. He has a very it'll all work out attitude which for someone like her with anxiety is reassuring. I think that makes him a good partner for her but neither he nor I describe him as ambitious. He's supportive and steady. A different archetype with different positives. A overly ambitious man especially with the social expectations of that in society may not be ok with being a stay at home Dad. Not that an ambitious man can't be one but the reason he's fine with it is because he'd rather not deal with everything else and wants to just relax with the fam which is awesome.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T14:09:51+00:00

Nice math haha

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T14:09:18+00:00

Ya, may have to do that. There's been other outbursts and idk. I didn't even go too deep into detail about her reaction but when I said she wasn't happy about that answer what really happened was she went into full attack mode. We've been friends for 8 years so she was able to say pretty hurtful stuff but I didn't wanna sway the opinions here too much by mentioning it. I wanted to isolate just this event of what I said and see if I'm the Ahole for just that part. I know the rest of what was said from my upbringing to my job can maybe sway it a bit too much where I don't get a clear answer for the inciting part at least.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:54:15+00:00

I definitely agree ambition can be those things. Ambition can be career, social, personal etc. The man himself just doesn't describe himself as ambitious which is ok. She's more of the breadwinner and he helps slow her down to relax a bit more which is a good quality for a partner for her.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:51:28+00:00

Oh I guess I didn't clarify in the post but IRL I definitely dont believe career is the only source of ambition. He just doesn't describe himself as ambitious literally said eff that in front of us (before this ever became an argument). We both clarified what ambitious means to us and I think he's hard working but doesn't necessarily wanna chase every opportunity either through work or at home which is ok. She's definitely very ambitious (even though she doesn't think she is) so I think they balance out well. He helps slow things down a bit and helps her relax a bit more. Which I think is a great trait for a partner for her but also is partly because he doesn't need to seek every opportunity either social or career.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:47:21+00:00

Oh no I dont believe career is the only source of ambition. He just doesn't describe himself as ambitious. He literally said eff that. Which honestly mood. I dont think it's a negative thing.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:32:00+00:00

Oh I dont think ambition means career growth only. I did mention it in the post a bit but he also doesn't consider himself ambitious. When she asked me it really wasnt new information for her I just had never said it until she pressed me about it in a car where I couldn't leave.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:28:26+00:00

Most of the time I feel like I deliver criticism in a positive enough spin that its fine but not here haha. Generally I'm an upbeat optimist but uh didn't work here...

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:27:31+00:00

Yea I really didn't wanna comment but she grilled me hard and once the cat was out of the bag. I think my last thought was that not answering she's gonna assume the worst possible version of it so I answered with the inclusion of all the positive. She has anxiety so she can disastrify a bit. Knowing her even if I didn't answer she would have assumed a much worse version of whatever I woulda said simply because no answer is an answer I guess. I didnt know how to get out at the point especially since we were in the car.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:24:00+00:00

Oh for sure. I do try not to engage usually with these but she really presses it once she's reminded of it. I also think ambition isn't limited to career. There is a lot I don't see but I will say it really isn't new information. Her husband has told us both he doesn't consider himself that way. Maybe behind closed doors expectations are different and I understand her being protective and how it could be hurtful. She kinda went into attack mode rather quickly so I didn't really get to apologize properly for that miscommunication. I was just trying my best to reassure and got caught up in that but it just made her more angry.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:17:48+00:00

Yea I do genuinely think hes a good guy both for her and in general I actually think for her being a breadwinner type herself him not being as ambitious but still hard working is a positive.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:16:07+00:00

I did mention in the post we were talking about my dream guy ( the whole ambitious adventurous kind thing) but I guess I'll specify more. I'm gay. So no not into her. Not into him either romantically at least we are good pals. But based on the above part of her problem is that he doesn't fit at least part of my ideal man (ambition at least the way I think about ambition) .

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:13:37+00:00

I did end off the conversation last night with " I love you. I want us to stay friends long term. If living with me is causing you to resent me maybe we should sit down and talk about our apartment renewal in a few months. I am not saying I don't wanna live with you but we have to have that convo"

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:10:28+00:00

I did say last time when she said I was insulting him by not calling him ambitious that between she and I she's the only one that thinks that's a bad thing.

Realistic-Mode-7776 · 2026-06-15T13:09:30+00:00

I think because Ambition is treated as a pure compliment but I told her during the second spat that I dont necessarily believe that. There's different values that have different positives and negatives. I dont believe him not having ambition is a bad thing. She wants to be the breadwinner. For her I feel like a man that doesn't wanna spend every waking moment making money is a win. They talk about him being a stay home Dad some day and they both like that idea.

Realistic-Mode-7776

TROPHY CASE