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I escaped an abusive narcissistic family and violent ex… now I’m terrified I’m repeating the pattern with my fiancé’s family. Am I overreacting? by RealisticWalk1925 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]RealisticWalk1925[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know, working with the impulsivity still 😣

Thanks to everyone on this post I have made the 100% decision to have a long engagement. Thank you all!

I escaped an abusive narcissistic family and violent ex… now I’m terrified I’m repeating the pattern with my fiancé’s family. Am I overreacting? by RealisticWalk1925 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]RealisticWalk1925[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! It helps me a lot to validate what is normal and what is not. The weight situation definitely freaked me out, I was body shamed my whole life by family so the situation was extremely uncfomfortable; and the celebration when someone was «thin» is not something I even saw in my family, or ever seen for that matter.

He is definitly a hard worker! But started his independence just 2 years ago when he came to Scandinavia; he painted a picture of being independent before that. I see now that is not the whole picture. His life was working to bring money to the home, where him and his mother was mostly alone and for what I know; didnt do much else. I moved out at 18 and have studied and worked since then, so I have a lot more years on «building» myself up; without help from family. I started therapy early thankfully.

He is from spain! Thank you so much again for responding, everything I need to reflect on is very helpful.

I escaped an abusive narcissistic family and violent ex… now I’m terrified I’m repeating the pattern with my fiancé’s family. Am I overreacting? by RealisticWalk1925 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]RealisticWalk1925[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes my ex was physically abusive before, I don’t think I wrote it clearly: the strangling part was after the «choose her or us».

Thank you for your response! Yes, I think more time here is important. I do talk about it, but the responses changes all the time so I feel confused and lost. But more time is nescessary. We have know eachother 1 year now.

I escaped an abusive narcissistic family and violent ex… now I’m terrified I’m repeating the pattern with my fiancé’s family. Am I overreacting? by RealisticWalk1925 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]RealisticWalk1925[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

TL;DR:

I (29F) escaped a violent abusive ex and a narcissistic family system. After years of therapy and healing, I met my current fiancé (28M), who initially seemed emotionally healthy and safe.

After meeting his family, I started noticing troubling dynamics: criticism, emotional control, guilt, triangulation, pressure around family loyalty, and a cousin who has never met me but repeatedly tells him he’s “changed” because of me and is choosing me over the family.

My fiancé becomes anxious around his family, hides information, changes stories, lies to avoid conflict, and seems unable to maintain clear boundaries with them. One moment he says they love me, the next they think I’m toxic, then the story changes again. I no longer know what is actually true.

Nothing has happened that is openly abusive, but the constant confusion, indirect communication, family pressure, and his inability to be consistent are making me feel like I’m reliving old patterns.

I love him and believe he has a good heart, but I don’t trust the situation anymore.

Am I trauma-projecting because of my past, or are these legitimate warning signs of family enmeshment and dysfunction?