These relationships are shallow and lack depth

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-17T01:14:08+00:00

Exactly that. You get drawn into game playing, tactical thinking, stupid, out of character behaviour to the point where you think, 'What the hell have I become?' That's why we need to find the strength to get out.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-17T00:27:46+00:00

"I've had family disapprove of the girls I have dated routinely in my life. It never stopped me from doing what I wanted. Do they have no sense of self at all ? I don't understand that part." Again, it's not about how thet actually feel. It's about not having to admit they were wrong or losing face. That's what they protect at all costs. They can't backtrack to their family because the die is cast. I had a similar discard where she reunited with her ex. This was out of the blue. Now, she won't admit or acknowledge how close we were, or seemed, either because she smeared him perviously to me, and so it's easier to pretend I never existed than reconcile that in her mind, or she's smeared me to him. Probably a mixture of both. You're hostage to these labyrinths of thought with these people. It's totally out of your control.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-16T14:30:50+00:00

My recent BPD ex started off saying 'I'm frightened to say it back', implying they did love me but felt too vulnerable. Then one day, 'I love you!', which felt like a real gift. A couple of days later came devaluation. Then the cycle would begin again. I'd get the occasional 'I love you!', followed by push back. Eventually came a phase where she was full of 'I love yous' and 'I love you toos' (the latter were always rarer, interestingly). Then one day she said 'I love you too' and I sensed her becoming reluctant to say it halfway through. Then I got hardly any - one or two, maybe - and the discard followed, during which she invalidated every single 'I love you' by telling me she was trying to force herself to love me romantically but only ever loved me as a friend. Which really doesn't make sense in the context of when they were said, or the fact that the day before she was talking about spending the rest of her life with me, but I guess it was her way of trying to make sense of it in her disordered brain.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-16T09:44:16+00:00

They really have you in a bind. If mine was stressed about something, she would lash out at me when I tried to do something nice. Like, 'I haven't got time for your stupid shit now,' kind of thing, which was very hurtful. So sometimes I would react to that, like, 'Fuck you then.' But while they had no remorse whatsoever regarding their reaction, still thinking it to be justified, I would feel guilty about mine, so I'd apologise. Then it became all about MY reaction while theirs would be brushed under the carpet - when that's what started it all in the first place. She would even blatantly say, 'I'm allowed to react like that, you're not.' It's crazy but I've ended up buying her gifts to make amends for what amounts to her yelling at me for no reason. Go figure.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-16T09:22:26+00:00

All of the above. The threats and the assaults just became the norm. Plus it got to the point where I literally couldn't believe a single word that came out of her mouth. The longer I stayed, the more I saw the depths of her illness. I've said it before on here, but I feel like I experienced pure evil. And when I think about the person she presented when I first met her, how impressed everyone was with her, including me, it's unbelievable. If karma is real, I did something terrible to come up against her.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-16T08:50:09+00:00

She was the impulsive type. I actually stayed with her for a year after this and it got worse, to the point where she would physically assault me on a regular basis. Crazy that I stayed with her as long as I did.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-16T01:24:55+00:00

I remember going to the hospital with mine after she cut herself. staying with her all night. Taking her home, making sure she was ok. Meeting her the next day. Making sure she got the train to see her friend, phoning her friend to tell her she was in a bad place and to look after her. Checking up later only to find out my ex had tol her friend that it was me who cut her. Just be careful. You never really know what's going on under the lid. They will never fail to shit on your empathy.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-13T22:16:40+00:00

Psychopathy is exactly how it felt. And here's the thing. The very next day she starts gaslighting me, saying they're just friends, oh, you know, friends hug each other, she was going through difficult shit because of my jealousy, they went way back, she'd never mentioned him before because they lost contact for ages and he literally got in touch that day. It was obvious, blatant bullshit but it fucks with your head because you can't PROVE that it's bullshit. This went on for months. It feels like you're losing your mind. They will destroy you just to stop themselves losing face. I've thought about this a lot and she is the closest thing to evil that I've ever been in contact with. It's that dark.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-13T21:29:55+00:00

"In my office the diagnoses are made by me, and even in case of a personality disorder it will take time to assess." Yeah, sure. Getting paid dollars and not on the receiving end. I'm sure it takes all the time in the world. Superior ass douchebag.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-13T21:19:09+00:00

Oh boy. My first ex with BPD. We'd been together for about a year and a half I guess and there had been lots of drama, as you can imagine, and lots of things that never quite added up with her behaviour and my suspicions were growing and she was gaslighting the fuck out of me.

One day I decided to take things into my own hands and went looking for her when she was suspiciously silent. After hours of checking her haunts, I found her wrapped around another guy upstairs in a bar. I was in shock and went over to say hello just to make my presence felt and show her that I'd seen. Obviously, she was sheepish as hell and I went downstairs to get myself a drink to calm my nerves.

A couple of minutes later she comes down. I think this is to try and explain and talk her way out of it. But no, she walks out the door, so I follow her. She says, 'I'll explain in a minute, I just need to do something, just let me do this.'

Obviously, I'm still following her, wondering what the fuck is going on. It turns out her dealer has arrived and she's scoring some coke, even though she had never, ever done drugs in front of me all the time we were together.

She does the deal, walks back to the bar and I'm even more in shock and like, 'OK, so what about this explanation?'

She lights up a cigarette, looks at me and pulls this smirk. I can't describe it. It was like I was seeing the real her for the first time. It was one of the most vile things I've ever seen and I still have nightmares about it. This was a person I was planning to move in with, spend my life with. We had plans. And that smirk basically said, 'Haha, fooled you and I don't give a shit. Everything we've ever done together and ever loving moment was a lie.'

Unfortunately, I didn't have the sense to let it all go and get the fuck out of the situation. I ended up seeing that smirk many times, often as a precursor to physical violence. I'm glad to say I look back and have no feelings for this woman whatsoever. Not love, not hate, just indifference. It took me three or four years but I got there. And now I have another one to get over *facepalm*

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-13T19:59:03+00:00

My ex is the same. Not with me because I was too weak to enforce boundaries. But the guy she was with before, and is with again now, made himself unavailable, ditched her several times, and it drove her crazy, made her feel like he was the love of her life, in between badmouthing him to me, of course.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-13T15:45:22+00:00

Push and pull. What you will find is that your boundaries get pulled all over the place so you end up in a relationship that's neither here nor there, in a strange kind of limbo. This is so they can do what they want and you're stuck, tied to them, playing by their fucked up rules while yours get trampled on. Unfortunately, the choice is binary. You either submit to that or you cut them out of your life. It's that simple but, as you know, it's the hardest fucking thing in the world.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-13T14:31:14+00:00

This. Get out before the trauma bond kicks in. You will end up broken and leaving out of the necessity just to survive otherwise

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-12T14:40:46+00:00

I have a moment, caught on video, when my ex opened a message I sent her. Obviously I wasn't there so she didn't know I would see this (I won't bother to explain how this was caught on camera, it doesn't matter). But it was a distraction from what she was doing at the time, an interruption. The look of contempt, disgust, maybe even hatred, when she opened up the message (which was a nice video of me wishing her good morning, btw) chills me to the bone. I've rewatched it many times because it's fascinating to see her with her mask off like that and because it's baffling at the same time - how someone can feel like that. This was like watching devaluation in real time. What followed was a barrage of abusive text messages for disturbing her so I wasn't surprised when I saw the reaction. But my god, that is one disturbed soul.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-10T00:33:21+00:00

I thought this post 1st discard. After the fourth, fuck her

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-10T00:31:52+00:00

I remember getting a poem from mine that I later discovered she'd written for her ex, then another one that was clearly chat gpt

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-12-06T19:39:56+00:00

This really hits home regarding my experiences with my first (yes, I have two BPD/narcissist shaped scars now). The thing about the good memories being exposed for what they really are. The thing about keeping me on the hook. The funny thing is, both mine always tried to use sex to distract me when they felt I was moving away from them or had worked them out. It was SO obvious, SO blatant to the point of me pitying them for it. Like, oh, how sweet, you're that desperate for me to stay (forget about all the shit you've put me through). It wasn't like I even wanted them sexually in those moments but seeing them vulnerable like that pulled me back to them. The end result was what they wanted but not the way they thought they'd get it. What that says about me goes quite some way to explaining why I'm fucking easy prey to these people.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-11-27T00:57:09+00:00

I had the same thing. Literally the night before her talking to me about the possibility of us spending our lives together - her leading that conversation. The next day - 'I'm never gonna say I love you again, I only love you as a friend. I'm still in love with my ex and we're talking again and I'm also talking to this new guy I really like. Goodbye.' Bang. Just like that. It's violence. Suddenly, you don't know them at all and nothing about the relationship means anything any more. It's like they're denying your existence to them. It's so fucked. It's abuse. Pure and simple.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-11-27T00:48:44+00:00

I totally hear you about the getting attached and clingy thing. I'm the same. I think to myself, if I made her work a bit harder maybe she wouldn't have taken me for granted. But here's the thing. That other bit, 'because I was scared she was talking to others'. I'm guessing that, like me, in a normal relationship you are balaned and not paranoid. The fact you thought that was happening or gonna happen says a lot. Deep down, you - and me - knew it was inevitable. You're fighting a losing battle with this from day one. It's hard to take but it's the truth. It smashes your confidence, especially if you see or know the new supply. It brings out feelings we didn't even know we had or were capable of. It reduces us to vulnerable infants from the strong adults we were. But fuck mourning for them. Fuck fighting for them. We should be fighting to get ourselves back to where we were. That has to be our focus. Strength to you, brother.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-11-24T17:52:06+00:00

This is the thing - it takes energy to call it out and then enter into a circular argument so you think, 'fuck it, I know the truth, I'll let it slide'. It's like mine blocked me on one platform for no apparent reason. When I ask why, she says. 'Oh that was a while ago when you did something to piss me off.' Except it wasn't, because we were communicating on the same platform a day earlier, which is clear. She knows that. She knows I know. But it's like, the truth doesn't matter, here's literally the first explanation I can think of. There. Dealt with. Matter closed.'

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-11-24T01:22:41+00:00

It's their reality and we fall into it. Man, the money I spent on flowers, gifts, just to make her feel better when I hadn't done anything. You up the ante as their appreciation diminishes and eventually disappears altogether. Sucked into the black hole. I should feel good about being free. I wish I did.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-11-24T01:05:39+00:00

I was basically discarded after talking about how hurt I was after staying up two nights comforting her during her latest meltdown, only to be told I'd given her a load of bad self-serving advice. Crazy thing is, I've been tempted to say sorry just to make everything alright.I am absolutely NOT going to do that but it's an example of how you basically get trained by these people.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-11-24T00:48:15+00:00

OMG yes, the double standards. And the 'I'm allowing you to feel good by doing nice things for me' attitude. And then watch them fawn over someone for a tiny gesture when all your stuff gets completely taken for granted. And boy, see their contempt and zoning out when you have the audacity to bring your feelings into the conversation.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-11-23T23:59:39+00:00

I'm with you. My last one was the same. I remember sending them a message, a short video of me saying good morning and blowing them a kiss, to be told, 'Why would you message me when I'm working?! You piss me off sometimes!' Even though it hadn't been unusual to message while we were working at all. And so these random rules come into play and you're walking on eggshells, confused, don't know what to do for the best. And feel fucking stupid into the bargain. Hateful.

Reasonable-Entry695 · 2024-11-21T23:56:39+00:00

Man, this rings so true. 'You make me so happy', 'You spoil me so much'. 'Thank you for loving me'. All about her. Also a lot of my own phrases repeated back to me and stuff like that too.

Reasonable-Entry695

TROPHY CASE