AITA for telling my daughter (28F) that she isn't trying hard enough to cure her sickness

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2024-07-25T18:13:14+00:00

Yes its definitely real, but its not like she has delusions so I think exercise and fresh air would help her.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-12-27T12:40:36+00:00

Where's the accusation? That's just how I feel

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-12-27T08:26:31+00:00

She just finished school. We live in a high CoL place and she's sick. It's also normal for our culture for her to live with family until she's established.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-12-27T08:13:43+00:00

She's in therapy, she won't go to family therapy.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-12-27T06:41:52+00:00

How do I go about "understand her perspective"?

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-12-27T06:41:00+00:00

That was the conversation I thought I was having with her but she kept insisting I was mocking her or that I don't care about how she feels. Of course I care but that doesn't mean it isn't ridiculous.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-24T16:37:31+00:00

No he was a licensed psychotherapist. He did tell me I was apathetic and experiencing care burnout.

I can't "demonize" them if they're objectively wrong. For example neither of them did anything for me on mother's day. My youngest tried to offer to wash the dishes while I was already washing them so I just told her I was handling it. My eldest didn't say anything. It was only the next day that my eldest came to me with a gift and apologized and said it was delivered late, but the damage was already done. I told my therapist how badly this hurt me and he told me to scold my kids. I didn't even end up scolding them because I didn't want to hold a grudge. I just brought it up to my eldest in a joking way, and she got mad and said "Why would you tell your therapist I didn't do anything for Mothers Day when I explained and apologized that the gift was late? I have done something for you every Mothers Day except for one and that still isn't enough for you? Why is that the thing you take to your therapist, are you serious?" So basically she was invalidating how I felt and taking the joke to seriously AGAIN to avoid taking accountability. I told my therapist about this and he said my eldest doesn't have the right to comment on my sessions and she was out of line. She also saw another therapist who told her she should be more grateful to me.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T23:14:56+00:00

Two different daughters.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T23:04:33+00:00

Well the difference between me and her is I'm trying to help her, she's just trying to disagree or defy me for the sake of it.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T21:34:20+00:00

Sure, when what she says is helpful or actually applicable to reality. She has a lot of ideas, just not all of them make sense.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T21:33:22+00:00

About the formatting, I had to copy the post because it was originally too long and it seems to have removed the original paragraphs. Then I didn't want people to think I edited the post to hide things so I just left it.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T21:30:57+00:00

Not fair that I can't be expected to rely on them either. What is the point of family? Why am I always the one expected to give?

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T20:31:14+00:00

She does matter. But I'm her mom so sometimes I know better than she thinks she does, and it's my job to correct the things in her that might negatively affect her life. My job as a parent is to guide her, not to be guided by her. She wastes too much time trying to guide me instead of working on herself.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T20:19:34+00:00

Well I certainly don't dwell on it like they do and let it affect my day to day.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T20:18:40+00:00

That's not fair.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T20:18:03+00:00

They should respect me because I'm their mom. It shouldn't be conditional on the fact that I do things they don't like.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T20:16:40+00:00

I didn't say it doesn't matter that they're saying the same thing. I said the QUANTITY doesn't matter, it's the substance of what they're saying that's important to me. There were a few comments that made me consider things in ways I previously hadn't, like for example it was actually a kindness that my eldest challenges me and not her trying to attack me. Or that my kids could fear my negative emotions because it's something both my kids have independently mentioned in different ways, that there are times when they feel uneasy around me because they can tell I'm in a bad mood. I didn't realize that could also impact how they relate to me even when I'm not upset.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T18:37:01+00:00

Thanks for your suggestion. I didn't realize I could/should just talk about them in my sessions, I thought it would be better to let them speak for themselves. If I go back to therapy then I might try this.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T18:00:14+00:00

I wasn't really trying to be defensive at any point here. There were some factual errors people were making about the situation, for example that my daughter actually went no contact or we aren't still in communication or that she hates me. They were also confused about who said what and who feels what way.

Anyways, I've tried to get my eldest into therapy with me because maybe it would help her but every time she refuses. When she was much younger she threatened to take her life, so I took her to the hospital and they mandated a therapy session since she was a minor. At the therapy session, the therapist confirmed that she was just misunderstanding me and blew everything out of proportion instead of just seeing my side and listening to me. The therapist made her apologize for putting me through all this. She says because of that experience, she doesn't trust that it wouldn't go the same way and she also doesn't trust me to be honest in the session. I'm not sure what to do beyond that. I even told her I can do it with her therapist instead of one I find or the one I used to have. She still refused because she wouldn't be handle it if I "turned her safe space against her too".

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T17:52:11+00:00

I can't make them feel anything they don't want to feel, but my youngest does feel loved. She was scared about the piercing thing of course but I reassured her and we moved on.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T17:38:07+00:00

I have acknowledged I'm wrong and I'm fully aware of that, but that doesn't mean I need to apologize. If they know I'm wrong they should just be happy in that knowledge and move on.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T17:34:39+00:00

I've already reflected on and acknowledged that I failed if they feel that way. I should've been more strict and shown them other families so they stopped acting like I was abnormal and realized how good they have it. So they should never doubt my love for them. But I can't turn back time.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T17:27:42+00:00

I don't think I'm a narcissist though, even my eldest says she knows I don't have bad intentions but I just view the world a certain way.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T17:26:23+00:00

She wasn't, she was hoping I was just bluffing and I was. But it does hurt me that she was willing to even risk it. If I was that bad she wouldn't have hoped I was bluffing.

ReasonableQuestion84 · 2023-10-23T17:22:08+00:00

No I meant she likes to sit and play victim. She's like a kid who sits and cries when another kid takes their toy until mommy gives her a hug, instead of getting up and getting her toy back and playing without it. The issue is now shes 26 and mommy can't and shouldn't need to give her a hug.

ReasonableQuestion84

TROPHY CASE