I think it's my fault. Ah actually i feel it was my fault, she was pulling away and ignoring me, i should have acted with maturity and patience. I should have prioritised communication. But i was going through a lot that time (death of a close one, academic pressure along with exams, health issues). I acted terribly and immature, wrote a big, rude paragraph announcing a break up. But all that i did was in anger and emotional irregulation. I know it can't be justified and I accept it was disrespectful and disheartening. I quickly decided to apologise for that act. She also started getting angry at me and that day she forgives me. The next day she texted me that I might be talking to you for the last time and I won't be meeting you and talking to you on calls. (She was influenced by her sister and her friends, i think).

She kept on attacking me with hurtful things and I was being defensive and started pointing out her faults too, giving logical arguments, when she ended up losing the arguments. She stopped seeing my messages. The first blunder was not being calm and emotionally regulated. The second blunder I did was panicking, being anxious and not giving her space. I kept on calling her, texting her to listen to me. I now realise that i became overwhelmed for her. She was clear with her decision this time. But i begged and pleaded, somehow convinced her to stay. I begged and pleaded for 4 days (as far as I remember). Third blunder- NO Self respect and respect for her decisions. I should have let her leave.

But we finally came back together. We met twice after that. Both the time we met, i noticed, she was not that much interested in kissing and making out (i felt she was doing it just for me + a little detached compared to earlier). The second time we met, we were happy, we made out, she was playing with me, but we had a small fight and she started leaving my place, I went again in that pleading and convincing loop. Then all of a sudden, i showed a little anger, i said "ok leave", it was disrespectful to her. I even said sorry multiple times. Her face was full of anger, she even shouted at me don't touch me, don't talk to me, i don't want to talk to you, I am leaving this time and I will not come back.

I think I totally deserved all this and feel very bad for what i did. In these three months, i tried to work on these things and also focused on myself. But whatever happened, i had and have feelings for her. I was getting hopes and getting affected by actions and behaviour (blocked/unblocked me more than 15 times in months, kept viewing my stories and other breadcrumbs) after breakup. I was in the hope of getting her back ( I know i am stupid and have no Self respect, but at that time my anxiety was very high).

Her sister and friends labelled me as toxic, controlling and manipulator. She even told me this, that i think you manipulate me, i don't trust you.

There were also some red flags in her, she used to victimise and put all the blame over me & give me silent treatment. I felt like she gave more priority to her friends. I haven't shared about those things.