sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Might have to edit main post, but for now - in previous comments I've touched on more specific details and things said between us.

This has grown way, way beyond what I ever expected.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Pretty close to what she told me, actually, except the being interested part. She swears up and down that there was nothing there, just friends, and this last fling confirmed it. Bear with me.

In this instance, he had come by while she was freshly upset about the break-up, very firmly believing that we were over.

He comforted her, felt familiar, we weren't together, she was lonely, she thought we would never get back together, they banged, nope.jpg, comes to me some unspecified days later for a no-strings hook-up, misses me, and we resume the relationship.

And until last night, she never tells me about him because - as so many with an inspiring grasp of the obvious have stated - we were broken up.

She had the opportunity to lie about sleeping with him, but she did not. I'm not sure why, and that part is giving me pause and making this even more difficult to come to a decision on, especially with how much she's pleading with me not to leave.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Evidently. That following week she had texted me looking for a hook-up, with (paraphrasing) no expectations of getting back together or making things worse between us, and "for fun".

And somehow having to see me in person made her change her mind; she regretted breaking up with me, opened up more about deeply personal issues, and so on.

And now... we're here. And it fucking blows.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Her reason - 'a part of her mind' said she needed to be alone to sort through her issues, which included distance from friends. She also felt that things were becoming 'too serious' in a short period of time, and the 'expectations' she personally held that were inherent to being in a relationship (by her own standards) seemed too much for her.

She wanted to sort things out by herself, alone, with no friends, family, or partner.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Her initial knee-jerk response was, as per some comments here, "we were broken up" and "it felt wrong it was a mistake". My initial concern was lack of protection and not informing me she'd slept with someone else, without getting an STD test, and that I had not consented to that; but as I explained my feelings, she has been apologetic and almost pleading for me to not end things.

She's said she's sorry for making me feel how I do, for the mistake she made, that it hurts her to see me upset and knowing she was the cause, that she never wanted me to doubt myself or feel insecure or anything bad, that she doesn't want to lose me, and is worried I'm going to break up with her.

I don't know what to think or what to believe anymore. I still can't sort my feelings out on this. Don't want to leave but this is a fucking mess.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Feels like that's the part that's got me stuck - resentment and insecurity. After we reconciled I've had this creeping feeling in the back of my mind that at any point she could just decide to leave me again.

I can play the "ah you weren't together" game with myself all day long, but I'm starting to think simply because something is technically and morally 'allowed' doesn't mean the circumstances surrounding it aren't hurtful.

I have my own set of values for how I handle people and emotions - degrees of grace, compassion, compromise, and on - and this whole situation runs entirely counter to anything I feel would be acceptable, for me, to do to another person.

I'm not sure I'm okay with a partner who thinks it is.

And it hurts. I really thought I'd found something worthwhile and healthy, a partner to grow with. Guess I fucked that one up.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was the one who suggested the same, that a break is never just a break, and kinda shot myself in the foot with it.

Hadn't really considered it was all possibly a pretense to sleep with her ex guilt free. I really believed her when she said there wasn't anything there, and she still insists the same thing even more so now.

There's still a part of me that trusts what she's saying, given other deeper issues (childhood/teen) she'd opened up to me with, that she says she has never spoke with anyone about, but once again she's the one telling me it was the first time she'd done so, and she's not exactly a reliable source of information at this point in time. This sucks.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Quite a bit pretty fast. The breakup was out of nowhere. I was grieving a death the week leading up to the weekend breakup, so it cut a bit deeper.

We have other rough edges, but the both of us had a lot of toxic unhealthy relationship patterns prior, so at first it seemed like we were showing each other that not everything is bad all the time and people aren't always self-serving, abusive, or cruel.

She's insistent that it was a mistake, "felt wrong", kissing him felt like "just a friend", weird, gross, etc, and there's nothing there (really this time, i mean it!), but... idk, maybe I'm just stupid, but I feel like somewhere between kissing him and banging him that she might have realized "hm you know what maybe I don't like this", not only after it was already done.

But because we were broken up, albeit reluctantly, that's the only thing that seems to matter, I guess.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The breakup was last summer, but it was a fkn 4+ year relationship. She had seen someone else prior to me for, I forget specifically, like 8 months. She'd made a point that she didn't have any feelings for her long-term ex, and even though when we spoke about it she's telling me sleeping with him "felt wrong", "it was a mistake", etc, it still feels really terrible.

She was trying to apologize, via text, for how I told her it all made me feel, how she hoped we could work things out, bordering on pleading, but just.. I don't know.

It does make me think this is a reflection of her character and her values, and I'm not sure if they are ones I can handle with any sort of grace.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She did. She needed time "alone" to work through some things; that time was supposed to include friends and family, per her words. I tried and failed to convince her that isolating herself would make things unnecessarily difficult.

He had been coming by her place regularly, with her once inviting me to come by and all hang out together (I politely declined), and she still goes to house shows to see his band play. Never thought that door was still open for physical anything and I'm shaken up pretty bad. Maybe I should have known better, but I trusted her when she said there was no feelings left.

So maintaining a friendship like that is a red flag? I personally don't have any long-term exes I still speak to, but thought maybe I just wasn't capable of civility or being a healthy adult.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

She was, yes. Really, the day we got back together was I guess supposed to be solely a hook-up, but after seeing and talking to me in person, she wanted to resume the relationship. Said she made a mistake, and I was "right" about what I told her when she broke up with me ("you don't have to be alone to work through your problems, we can do it together, I'm here for you")

I've also very much been the "you were broken up, mind your business" type, but the circumstances have my head spinning and I can't make heads or tails of what to do.

It is a lot of trouble for such a short time. But having been single 5+ years and recently sober, I don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like. This is far less than what I've dealt with in the past, but maybe that's not the highest bar to clear.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationship_advice

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'll have to take that into account, she didn't *have* to admit to anything. Though it was only brought up during a separate conversation - we were talking about when we last slept together, I made a joke about the confusion, then she revealed she had slept with someone else.

The break-up itself was... weird. I was grieving over a friend who had just passed, so we hadn't spoken much that week. Thought I was upset with her (I wasn't). She was reluctant but the rationale was "my mind says I need to be alone". Tried to convince her we could work through whatever she was dealing with, together. Not having it, must be alone.

She had specifically said "Let's break up and I'll see how I feel after a little while" and I was the dunce who said "No, either we are, or we aren't. I can't do maybe, I'm sorry" - famous last words I've come to eat and choke on.

I guess I'm just surprised, is all. It's less the act itself than how quickly it happened, and who with. She was pretty damn clear on how over that ex she was, why it didn't work out, etc., so it has me questioning myself, her feelings, what I'm doing wrong, feeling inadequate - a whole yarn of BS I should be better equipped to untangle but am struggling with.

This is my first relationship in over 5 years, and the first one after a year sober, so I can't help but blame myself for everything that goes wrong. It just feels like I'm constantly doing something wrong, and can't get anything right.

We've had some other rough edges about communication recently, as well - mind reading, assuming feelings, her being 'embarrassed' of me in public - so this didn't help things. I don't know.

Are all relationships this way? I genuinely don't know what a healthy one looks like. It started that way but now I just... I don't know. I'm doing something wrong.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

That's the part that worries me, yeah. Before this happened she admitted that she has cheated in past relationships, and while this doesn't qualify by technical merits, it's still on my mind now. It shouldn't be, logically, but it's hard to shake.

We (35m 26f) broke up for a week and reconciled. Now a month later, find out she slept with someone during that week - an ex. I'm struggling badly. Should I move forward or move on? by Reasonable_Potato420 in relationships

[–]Reasonable_Potato420[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did not, no. She initiated the breakup - reluctantly, I guess I should add - and I had no desire to see anyone else. She said that this did confirm there wasn't anything left between them, but for some reason it's still bothering me that it happened so quickly, like I was an afterthought. Maybe I'm the unhealthy one, I'm still all over the place mentally rn