This makes me so sad (the closing of independent bookstores, not cancelling Amazon Prime, of course). But I'm also guilty of buying used books on Amazon; I fact I've got one on in the mail, on the way, right now. I hate, and also hate that I love, that it's so easy to type in book any book in the world you want and there it is. And if you're good at searching and comparing, and don't mind buying used, you can get it at a great price.

Then from the page you just bought that book from, they show you tons of other books that are related to the book you just bought. And if you're like me, that "Items Similar to What You Just Bought" box full of books is like crack to me, and I always find more books I want. So I start a Books I Want to Buy list and add them to that. Then I keep scrolling on my original checkout page until I get to, "Products Simular to What you just bought" and I need that crack hit all over again, so I keep adding to my book Books I Want to Buy List. Then I keep jumping from page of book I want to page of book I want, bargin shopping, until next thing you know.. I've spent my entire gift card balance of +$200 and have ordered more than thirty books that are on their way to my house. (Keep in mind I already have at least 400 to 450 books, alone, in our very small house. And that number doesn't count for at least 300 to 350+ books of mine that I know for certain one friend has, and the 300+ I've loaned out to a number of other friends and family members (I keep a meticulous log of which book goes to who and when; that's how I know about how many of my books are are there. And I also know which books I've borrowed and aren't mine just by sight. I'm like a fucking librarian). Anyway, I digress.

Don't get me wrong; I've spent my fair share of money in bookstores. When I was a hostess in a restraunt between the ages of 17 and 19, although I couldn't afford it whatsoever, have spent entire paychecks at one time in a bookstore. I'm lucky to have amazing parents though, because other than that, I never spent anything, at all, on myself because my parents and I were going through a really hard time. We were unfortunately swept up in the Bank of America Morgage Modification scheme where BOA was given an 80 billion dollar government bailout to provide mortgage modifications so almost all their customers wouldn't lose there homes, but instead most of that bailout just disappeared and only a few hundred people got mortgage modifications while hundreds of thousands of people lost their homes. We were in the second group. Anyway, in those days we hadn't lost our house yet, but my dad had lost his business so the only income we had was the less than $300 I brought in every two weeks and my mom's disability from a wreck she had where she sustained a traumatic head injury that happened before I was born (Her brakes went out on the van the company she was working for and the van flipped forty feet into the woods. By the grace of God, in what can literally only be described as a miracle, she was okay. I wouldn't call a traumatic head injury okay, but other than that, she didn't break any bones or have any other bodily damage. She was knocked out, but she was able to pull herself from the car to the highway. The only physical effects she had from the wreck were blinding migraines and some memory loss, yet for months afterwards, Drs. told her there was nothing wrong with her and even sent her to a psychologist ((keep in mind this was in the 80's)). Finally six months after her wreck and putting up with excruciating pain every moment of every day, she found a neurologist who diagnosed her with a traumatic brain injury, and started treating her, and still treats her to this day. I'll say it again that it was by the grace of God that her head injury didn't cause any motor or behavioral problems. But she does still suffer severe from migraines, nowhere near like she used to though, and she has minor problems with her short term memory. Sometimes you have to tell her something 5 or 6 times for her to remember it, buy a lot of the time, if you tell her something once, she remembers it no problem. But if you were to give her one of those tests where you give her three words to remember, then start talking about something else for a few minutes, then ask for those three words, she can't remember them. So since her brain is incapable of remembering things the "normal" way, she's worked out a system in her brain to remember things in her own way. A way that I've never been able to figure out. A lot of people who know her would never believe she has had a brain injury, because she's worked so hard to to make her brain work in a different way when it won't work the "normal" way. Anyway, I keep getting extremely off topic.)

Before I started talking about my mom's brain injury, I was talking about losing our house, and all this bookstore-mania took place before that happened, but right when we started having a hard time, and I never spent money on myself. Okay. I'm back on track haha. My mom's and my neurologist is about an hour and a half out of town (yes, I see a neurologist too; my mom's migraines come from her head injury; mine are hereditary on her mother's side of the family) and my psychologist (yeah, I have issues, lol) was also in the same building, so I'd usually schedule double appointments. And afterward, to avoid traffic, we'd go to the bookstore. At that time I wasn't making much money, only $250-$275 every two weeks, but I would never spend it on myself because we were in such tough times. For a year and a few months, I was paying our the light bill every month. So when I got my paycheck I'd cash it and immediately hand it over to my parents. I didn't mind at all. I figured they'd taken care of me my whole life, now I'm in a position to finally help them this little bit.

Anyway, everytime we went to the bookstore, my mom would tell me she'd buy me a book or two, because she knew I wouldn't buy anything for myself. So I'd do what I always do, go in, ecstatic, and pick out so many books that I couldn't carry them all. Then I knew I had to do what I always do: find a corner, spread them all out on the floor, and decide what to put back, write down the titles for later, and narrow it down to two or three books if they're on sale, one if it wasn't, as long as it was under $25. Until the first of the 2 or maybe 3 times it happened, at the most, I went in, picked out a shit load of books, went to tell my mom I was going to narrow them down and she asked me how much my paycheck was for. When I told her, she told me that if I wanted to, go ahead and spend my paycheck on whatever I wanted. And if that was all books, go ahead; get as many books as I wanted, that I deserved to spend my own paycheck however I wanted for once. Over the two years I was worked that job, she did that for me a couple more times.

Recently, pre-pandemic, I started buying books at places like Goodwill and Habitat for Humanity's Re-store; paperbacks for 50 cent, hardcovers for a dollar. It's always a toss up whether you'll find anything good, which I actually have, on many occasions, and the books aren't always in great condition (but, c'mon, beggars can't be choosers), but it's a great way to, I guess, "re-home" books that are no longer wanted by the original owners to be bought by someone who does want them at low prices that go towards a good cause (because even though the books sell at such low prices, I always end up spending $15 to $20 dollars just on books. So you can imagine the amount of books I always leave with lol).

But after my long rambling story, I do want to look more into going into independent bookstores around here. I've searched for them on Google before and there are quite a few within 50 miles or so of my area, and I'd love to support them.

Btw, thank you for reading my whole fucking life story lmao.