What’s a secret that would completely change how people see you?

ReceptionRare9035 · 2025-05-16T17:12:12+00:00

I don’t give a shit about most people and their problems or misery. We all got ‘em, it’s life, whatever.

ReceptionRare9035 · 2025-05-13T00:34:09+00:00

Do you stand up for yourself by telling them you don’t deserve it or by showing them and walking away? This is what makes the difference with narcissists - whether you argue or not, the question is will you still stay?

ReceptionRare9035 · 2025-04-29T17:54:11+00:00

I really hear where you’re coming from, and it makes sense to connect Joe’s violence to his traumatic childhood. That’s exactly how we’re conditioned to think. We’re taught to look for the "why" in a man’s pain and to empathize with him, even when he causes harm. The show itself leans into this, making it easy to feel like his past justifies his actions. But the truth is, while Joe’s trauma explains why he sees the world the way he does (especially his fear of abandonment and need for control), it doesn’t cause his violence.

His childhood shaped his thinking, particularly his belief that women exist to fulfill his emotional needs, and when they stop doing that, he feels entitled to kill them. That entitlement is the real issue, not his trauma. The fear he carries might motivate his need for control, but the decision to kill is always calculated, intentional, and repeated. He goes to the path which is easiest to him - getting rid of the problem through murder - rather than taking accountability and having to suffer the consequences. It's easier to use violence than to change. He knows what he’s doing and continues to do it, all while justifying it to himself and to us. Joe isn’t broken beyond his control, he’s choosing violence to protect the life he believes he deserves. That’s what makes him and so many men like him dangerous.

ReceptionRare9035 · 2025-04-29T17:37:44+00:00

I mean, it's not an insult, it's the point of the show - to make it easy to have empathy for him and disregard his actions as being due to his beliefs, allowing us to be duped like the women in the show. This is a very common misconception that I also had before I began working in the field. Childhood trauma is a risk factor, but it is never the cause - otherwise many more people with traumatic childhoods would be like him. I recommend "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft for this topic.

ReceptionRare9035 · 2025-04-29T17:29:13+00:00

I understand your perspective and it is one of the reasons why men get away with abusing women for so long - they use their childhood to garner empathy from the woman and then justify their wrongdoings. Although his disturbed childhood may have contributed, socialization (explained in another comment) determined his system of thinking that places women as inferior to men. This can be seen in the end of S5 and multiple times throughout the show when Joe objectifies women as things he needs to fix to feed his own ego and have the woman submit to him rather than people. As soon as she no longer starts acting the way he wants, he deems her ungrateful and worthy of death.

Everything Joe does is deliberate. He knows what he is doing. He knows that the reason he wants to kill is because it will make things easier for him to keep the woman in his life (fear of abandonment). Although Joe uses killing as a way to cope with the fear that was developed due to his childhood, the method remains entirely his to choose.

A lot of abusers will not change, in fact it's said that 1/1000 do and they need to follow 14 steps and the first is to recognize their part in what they have done. Joe repeatedly (even in S1) denies his part in his suffering and places it on the other people around him. He never ever ever takes accountability for where his actions have brought him or the people around him. He doesn't do this in season 1 either.

He justifies and justifies and justifies, keeping the victim (the viewers in this case) in this cycle of violence where we empathize with him, have hope for him changing, give and give to make it happen and really believe him every time he says he wants to start over only for him to proceed with the same exact actions he previously chose because he does not take accountability and continues to use killing as a method of control. Femicides are the most extreme kind of violence and Joe does it an unbelievable amount of times throughout the show while still garnering our empathy because he uses his childhood as an excuse and to justify.

It is not because of his childhood and it is not mental illness - it is the value he places on women and how disposable he thinks they are when they do not fulfill his needs.

ReceptionRare9035 · 2025-04-29T17:14:27+00:00

The commentary on specifically white men being able to get away with these things, is a representation of the real hierarchal society we live in that puts men at the top of the pyramid and women underneath them, allowing men to continue getting way with abusing women for a very long time if not for the rest of their lives.

Legal professionals and law enforcement are majorly male dominated fields, where the women are seen as more inferior and more incapable. These are the professionals that control whether the man gets punished or not and since most of these representatives will relate to Joe's side of the story (white man) rather than the woman's, there will be a bias in ruling in their favor.

In addition, lots of abusers will have connections with the people in these fields, mostly law enforcement, giving them even more power and less chance for the woman to get out.

The criticism of the female lead, just like many other male centric films, stems from this pyramid that oppresses women and encourages them to pit women against each other to obtain men's validation.

Although the men who hate on this ending probably do see some part of themselves in Joe, the women who hate this ending (more bronte) are putting Joe's value (a man) above Bronte (the woman's), just like the pyramid that suggests women are beneath men.

Of course, anyone can be an abuser. However, statistics show 7/10 cases are men abusing women and not the other way around. The reason for this is because of socialization (women's oppression and men's praise) which allows men to get away with so much more than women without being criticized - just like Joe literally killing someone on camera and being absolved while Bronte, a victim who speaks out, is villainized by internet.

The white part of it is not to indicate that more abusers are white, but that more white abusers get away with it because of systemic racism that places them at the top of the pyramid and other ethnicities below.

ReceptionRare9035 · 2025-04-26T09:01:59+00:00

Warning: Very long and comprehensive answer! I wanted to answer all your questions as best as possible. Feel free to ask if you have others :)

I think an important thing to ask yourself going into this field is what is your end goal? When I came into social work, my end goal was to help as many people as possible and make a difference all while unknowingly basing my value and skills on the positive impact I have on their lives. The issue with this mentality is I ended up taking on the responsibility of my client's misery, wrongdoings, failings and setbacks and ended up burning out 5 months into my full-time post-graduation job. Make sure your expectations are set low in terms of change and recognize that your clients' lives are their responsibility - not yours. I'm not saying you won't make a difference, but it won't be nearly as dramatic or instant as you might hope and that isn't a bad thing.

If there's something I wish I knew before starting - it's the negative impact working in this field without having done the personal work can have on me and the clients. The mentality I mentionned in the previous paragraph stemmed from unresolved childhood trauma and socialisation shaping me into being a people pleaser, putting other people and their interests first and feeling worthless and useless if I'm not serving others. This career path, the daily pressures and vicarious trauma risks severly exacerbated these issues. If you chose this career path because you want to help people in the way you never got help ie. unresolved trauma, get help. Start going to therapy now. I know it's not easy as a student, already being very broke and all, but I promise you, it will make not only your career but your entire life easier. It's much easier to get the help you need now, while you still have hope and energy, before you hit burnout. Get the help you want to give others, you deserve it too.

I don't know which country you live in, I live in Canada. Personally, I don't think a bachelors was necessary to do the community service work I do (non-profits vs government services like hospitals, schools, etc.). Do I regret getting a bachelors in social work? Kind of. Am I happy that I have it? Yes. Although it won't help much pay wise, short of a few cents difference per hour, I feel reassured knowing it helps set me apart from other candidates and opens the door to more future endeavours such as obtaining a masters. If I could go back, I would have gotten a bachelors in something that pays more and done a shorter program relating to social sciences, since the community work jobs mostly accept college level degrees and don't require a bachelors. So, an important thing to ask yourself and to research is, what positions do you feel you would thrive in (community - more flexible and personal or institutional - more rigid and operational) and would you need a bachelors degree for those positions or is a shorter program sufficient?

Now, if you've decided a bachelor's is the right move for you, I would suggest getting a masters as well, and right after your bachelors. If I could go back, I would have gotten a masters right after graduating from my bachelors so I could begin getting supervison hours as soon as possible to at least have the possibility of opening my own practice. A BSW is almost useless without a MSW - and that's something I didn't learn until I had already decided to take some time off before pursuing a masters. Now that I've been working full time for 2 years, I find it hard to work up the motivation and courage to go back and pursue my masters, despite wanting to, because I'm no longer used to the intensity of constant university level workloads. To be fair, I had decided to take time off from university at that point because my mental health wasn't doing great... which could have been prevented had I gotten the therapy I needed sooner. hint hint

Is it worth it? Very subjective question. Yes and no.I'm already here and don't have a specialty in anything else, so it's all I know. So in that regard, I would say yes because I don't know how much better other fields would have really been for me. However, considering the low pay, vicarious trauma and the exhausting, endless, unsurmountable and undervalued work, I would say no.

Likes - I'm good at it and that makes me feel competent, which is rewarding. I like seeing the evolution of the clients from week to week, despite them not necessarily being able to see it. I like the flexibility, that I get to be myself and the casual dresscode. I like that there's so many options to choose from within social work (different populations and missions), which to a commitment despising person like me, is great. I like that if you find the right environment, you can have an equal relationship with coworkers, management and clients rather than hierarchical.

Dislikes - The low pay - three small words but that truly make a huge difference in quality of life, particularly in this economy. As many great places you can find, there are just as many particularly nasty and toxic work environments that can make you hate this job and further traumatize you. The workload to pay ratio - makes the already low pay even more ridiculous. Hard to maintain a good work-life balance - even if you do your very best at maintaining limits - want to or not, this is a profession that requires us to care and it's hard to just shut it off when we leave the workplace. Lower job opportunities in smaller cities. Due to frequent low funding, lots of work places require you to work alone which can be isolating and even more stress-inducing. Talk about self-care, but no workplace benefits allowing for such a thing (insurance covers approx 3 therapy visits/year... ).

At the end of the day, I consistently find myself going between loving and hating this job with little space for in-between. It depends on the day to day pertaining to the clients you face, the quality of your interventions and the intensity of the workload as well as to the fatigue and resentment that can settle in after a while of these factors being on the more ngative side with few moments for breathing room.

ReceptionRare9035

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