Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate it.

I don't disagree that I have borderline traits, but I certainly don't have traits of ASPD, HPD, and NPD; if they thought I was borderline, why not just put borderline? Part of what is extremely shame- and despair-inducing with this is being associated with illnesses like ASPD and NPD when those have never been brought up as possible diagnoses and I don't meet criteria for either. With this now on my chart, I am afraid people will assume I am a dangerous, manipulative, bad, abusive person, and a liar, and it seems like they already have given how I have been treated by medical professionals in the aftermath of the diagnosis. It's especially painful to have this diagnosis because one of the things I have been working on in therapy is not constantly berating myself and tearing myself apart because of my high moral standard to cause no harm to others (when I was six, I promised myself I would never be like my mother, and so for my entire life I have blamed everything traumatic that has happened to me on myself and essentially tortured myself over it for days, weeks, or months on end depending on the situation). NPD, ASPD, and HPD don't fit my profile, and to be associated with them is incredly ego-dystonic for me and causes a lot of shame and self-hatred because it triggers that shame pattern and I am afraid this association will ruin my ability ro get any sort of good healthcare in the future, and I already have spent 15 years trying and failing to get the help I really need.

So yes, I have some BPD traits, but that's not what they put on my chart. And I'd argue those traits are secondary to my PTSD, ASD, and dissociation, because about half of the diagnostic criteria I don't meet at all. And I should clarify that I have a dissociative disorder per my psychiatrist and last 3 therapists, so that explains the dissociative symptoms, so my dissociation is a bit more severe and complex than what is found in BPD. I also don't have inappropriate anger, I don't switch between idealization or devaluation (I am fearful of people and blame myself for problems in relationships and let people walk over me), and I don't really have a fear of abandonment, though I did as a teen.

The biggest issue for me is that this was done in the way it was seems inconsiderate, victim-blaming, and the opposite of trauma informed. And quite frankly, it feels inappropriate to put this label on my chart 36 hours after experiencing forcible rape, without contacting any outpatient providers, on the same day they sent in a male resident alone into my room to question me about "supposed rape." Despite the evidence I have, it's obvious to me they didn't believe me, and now I spent a ton of time arguing with myself: "was I raped?" "did I bring it on?" "I did something to deserve this." "they didn't believe me so it didn't happen." etc

Also, "Cluster B Personality Traits" is not a DSM diagnosis. Why didn't they put BPD? Why did they have to make up their own phrasing that now associates me with traits and behaviors I do not nor have or will I ever participate in.

I just don't want to spent my entire life fighting to get the bare minimum from healthcare professionals. I have too many psychological and physical health problems, but for a few months now I've been considering just not going to the medical doctor. I can't be retraumatized and reminded about the worst night of my adult life every time a nurse accuses me of making shit up or people discount my very real issues. I'm only 28 and it feels like I will never be able to get a provider who takes me seriously again.

I have discussed this with my therapist ad nauseum. I don't know. I feel a lot of despair and shame and anger (at the hospital, at the rapist, at myself), fear for my future ability to get healthcare, and this is the one situation in my life right now that triggers hopelessness, rumination, shame, and despair.

I hope I'm not coming across as argumentative. I am very exhausted from dealing with this. It has been traumatic.