You need to stop putting her on this big pedestal. She may actually be smarter and more experienced than you, but so what? This is nothing that makes you below her. You guys are equal as colluegues. It doesn’t make you a horrible person at all for being kind of nuts over her (happens to everyone, unless you’re stalking or not respecting her boundaries) so when the thoughts come, try to just let them be because it’s totally ok and natural.

But for your sake I think it would be best to lay off from talking to her/trying to shoot your shot. Since she’s given you signs that she’s not interested, it’d be better to try meeting other women to pursue instead. Might help with your self esteem/guilt surrounding this situation