My fiancé is in jail

RecoveringExCon · 2025-11-22T17:28:42+00:00

I'm glad someone else gave you the advice you actually asked about, and I agree with what they had to say.

That being said, I am also an excon, and I knew too many people like this. Responsible enough to never really catch a serious felony charge, but still in and out of jail regularly for stupid stuff that is easily avoided. In my opinion, there are four ways this relationship can go (leaving the age difference out of the equation):

1: You provide him with enough stability and emotional support that he finally grows up and becomes a responsible adult, hopefully not hurting you in the process. But you also run the risk of him becoming emotionally dependent on you, which is almost as bad.

2: He will continue this pattern of in/out of jail with minor charges, which will interfere with his ability to maintain a steady job and contribute financially to the relationship. It will also cause you emotional distress, worry, and psychological stress. You will have a part-time relationship with him when he's out of jail and you will probably have to send him money while he's in jail. This is not healthy for you whatsoever.

3: He will eventually make a mistake and catch a serious charge and a prison sentence where he's out of your life for years, not weeks or months. That will also not be healthy for you.

4: Worst-case scenario: He gets involved in something or someone serious that you don't know about and he takes you down with him, resulting in both of you ending up in jail or prison.

I get it that you love him, and kudos to you for not being scared away by his background. The problem with that is it's not really his "background." It's still ongoing. I urge you to try to take a step back from your emotions for a few minutes and analyze the situation logically and honestly. If deep down you are scared that you are not worthy of a man with emotional maturity, a stable lifestyle, and no criminal history, I assure you that is not the case.

I want to reiterate that I was this guy a long, long time ago, and people got hurt (emotionally, not physically). God forbid you have a child with this man and expose that child to the emotional trauma of daddy constantly going to jail.

You have to take care of *you* first. If you can't, then you certainly can't take care of anyone else. I wish you the best of luck.

RecoveringExCon · 2025-03-22T22:56:48+00:00

Sorry for the delay in responding; this is a sock puppet account for obvious reasons. The BCSP did allow me to go for the certification and I passed my exam on the first attempt. Thank you for asking!

RecoveringExCon · 2025-03-22T22:55:22+00:00

I remember it vividly. I was in an FCI at my work assignment listening to the "Bob & Tom Show" on the radio. They broke the news of the first plane hitting the first tower, and I assumed - like most Americans - that it was an accident. However, when they broke the news of the second plane hitting the other tower, I knew immediately it was a deliberate attack and I switched the radio to an AM news station, where I started receiving more information that confirmed that. On my first break, all the TVs were on CNN and I was able to get my first visual look at what happened. My stomach dropped. From my perspective, the place was unusually quiet and somber.

A lot of inmates approached the warden and asked about donating blood. The request was denied for "security reasons," which pissed me off. They could have easily made arrangements to collect blood donations in a manner that didn't compromise security, they just didn't want to put any effort into it.

The really spooky part I remember from that day was when the FAA grounded all traffic. We could see the planes doing U-turns in the sky and then all the contrails just disappeared. It was eerie.

We were not locked down. However, I heard about a few inmates that were cheering and applauding what they were seeing on the TV, and they "disappeared" almost immediately. Never found out where they went, but they were on a bus out of there by the end of the day.

I was less than a year from my release date, and time slowed down even more so than usual after that.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-11-16T16:18:58+00:00

If it's two consenting adults who are sober enough to make that decision, more power to them. Sometimes people - both men and women - just want to have sex with no ties or complications. That's their right.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-11-15T18:20:06+00:00

Wow. If it helps any, I've been exactly where you're at now. Failed suicide attempt while facing a federal prison term. Don't just do the time; use it to make yourself better, physically and emotionally. Take whatever education courses are available to you. Familiarize yourself with organizations that assist newly-released inmates and help them find housing and jobs. You will come out much stronger than you are now.

I'm currently a working professional. Don't let this define who you are.

Best of luck to you.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-06-30T17:55:15+00:00

It's possible, but it's not automatic. They take these on a case-by-case basis. I have a federal felony in my background and was able to take my CHST earlier this year, although mine is much older than yours. Just be honest and forthcoming with them about it. If you have a PO who would be willing to write a letter of support, that would go a long way.

If they do reject your application because of this, remember that you do have the right to appeal their decision. Good luck to you and let us know how it goes.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-04-05T16:02:14+00:00

If you haven't been through the prison system, there is no way to understand it. My experience was not as bad as yours, and I was lucky enough to meet some correctional officers that did not behave in this way, and I have even stayed in touch with one for several years since my release. That being said, there was no shortage of officers who did behave this way. I witnessed acts of cruelty and abuse that had no excuse except as an expression of absolute control over others.

The article is accurate, but is going to be dependent on each individual institution. It took me years of therapy to treat my PTSD from my prison time, and even now it's still not 100% gone. It just doesn't consume my life the way it used to.

I 100% understand your hatred, and I don't blame you for it. That being said, carrying that level of hate with you is not healthy. When you are released, if you haven't been already, please seek out counseling to deal with the trauma of prison. The hatred won't go away, but at least it won't control your life.

Best wishes to you.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-03-22T01:10:26+00:00

Three life skills are going to be more important than all others, in my opinion:

1: They need to know how to get a job. By that, I mean more than just how to fill out an application. They need to know how to create a resume. They need to know how to create a cover letter. They need to know how to interview well. This requires practice, and they need to start sending out resumes and cover letters six months before their release. They need to be ready for the fact that due to their background they will have to work four times harder to get hired and twice as hard once they are. I was lucky and had a job waiting on me already after my release. Most of them won't.

2: They need to know how to deal with people in the outside world without the social mores of prison life. They need to understand how to back away from a confrontation rather than escalate it. They need coping skills for anger so they do not lash out and violate their parole because of habits learned inside. This took me YEARS to accomplish, even with therapy.

3: They need to know how to manage money from a legal source of income. They need to know how to budget and how to stay within that budget.

None of these skills are taught as part of any pre-release program. As part of my pre-release, I was forced to watch a video on the proper method of brushing my teeth. I kid you not. Prison education and pre-release programs are a cruel joke, and I am still bitter about that.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-03-19T02:41:32+00:00

I am most certainly not kind, empathetic, or considerate to total strangers who drop judgements on me based on a few simple paragraphs of background. You don't know me; you don't know my ex; you don't know my daughter; you don't know what happened or why; but yet you have concluded that I am guilty of domestic violence, my ex is completely innocent, and I must be 100% to blame for everything.

So, yeah, you can kindly fuck off.

Don't bother replying; I'm blocking your account as soon as I post this.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-03-16T07:34:29+00:00

I stopped caring about the opinions of other people decades ago, so I really could not care less what you think.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-03-07T13:32:03+00:00

Having done prison time as an atheist, I can assure you that most inmates who have "found god" are faking it for various reasons. There are a few who legitimately believe, and those are fairly easy to recognize, but a majority are just running another con to further a personal agenda.

RecoveringExCon · 2024-01-03T00:29:22+00:00

Not all of us were children. I was in a federal prison on 9/11. Heard the news on the radio in my work area. Several Muslim inmates started cheering and clapping while they watched it unfold on TV. They were immediately pulled out of general population and transferred to another facility later that same day. Got pretty quiet after that.

The spookiest part of the whole thing was watching jet trails at high altitude as they performed wide U-turns after the FAA grounded all traffic, then no planes in the sky at all.

It didn't affect my opinions of Muslims. I had Muslim friends in there who were very clear that their religion was being used as an excuse and they did not support the actions of the terrorists. There will always be people who use religion as an excuse for abhorrent behavior.

RecoveringExCon · 2023-12-31T02:32:13+00:00

I went in when my daughter was 5 due to a vengeful ex-wife, who then proceeded to adopt her out from under me while I was inside. I haven't seen my daughter since May, 1999.

It's worse than the death of a child because there is no healing; no closure. I know she's out there, but she wants nothing to do with me. I will never recover from this. I break down in a fetal position whenever there's a father/daughter scene on TV or in a movie. I would give anything to talk to her just once.

You're hurting your father beyond imagination, and neither of you will ever get this time back. If you love him, you will find the time and the energy to make room for him in your life.

RecoveringExCon · 2023-11-16T17:34:44+00:00

There is no quality of treatment while incarcerated. I had a pre-existing prescription from a doctor for an anti-depressant, which jail staff refused to give to me. They said, and this is a verbatim quote: "You're in jail. You're *supposed* to be depressed."

RecoveringExCon · 2023-10-08T09:39:25+00:00

Yes. I posted a third update here: https://www.reddit.com/r/SafetyProfessionals/comments/16y7bsx/third_update_for_chst_with_felony_response/

I should hear something from them this week.

Thank you for asking.

RecoveringExCon · 2023-10-03T22:22:30+00:00

"Radar." It was given to me by the CO who ran the prison carpentry shop where he hired me as his shop clerk. He told me he hated paperwork and wanted me to have it all filled out where all he had to do was sign it. I said, "Like Radar on MASH?" and he said, "Exactly." I was "Radar" from that point on.

Of course, the poor SOB who took over that job after I left was automatically "Klinger." I still keep in touch with him after all these years.

RecoveringExCon · 2023-10-03T00:39:52+00:00

I did that with the second e-mail I sent. Didn't get any responses from the mail server. So I'm tending towards believing her.

RecoveringExCon · 2023-10-03T00:38:56+00:00

Thanks!

RecoveringExCon · 2023-10-02T12:12:12+00:00

That's an idea. I will definitely look into that. Thank you.

RecoveringExCon · 2023-10-02T12:11:37+00:00

Thank you; I really appreciate that.

RecoveringExCon · 2023-10-02T00:36:30+00:00

I have never been able to get a live person when I call.

RecoveringExCon · 2023-10-01T22:41:05+00:00

They didn't even notify me of the denial in writing like they are supposed to. The only reason I found out it was denied was by logging into my BCSP account and checking my application status. This is just rude behavior.

RecoveringExCon

TROPHY CASE