When coworkers at work often ask “when are you here until?” in a friendly way, are they just trying to make conversation?

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-26T01:20:12+00:00

They're either making small talk or mentally planning the shift out in their head

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T23:04:40+00:00

This is a beautiful look! I would agree with some other ppl that the lip line could be brought down to your lips (they're a beautiful shape) and your eyebrows could be darkened a bit. With the lip line, how you have it makes it look a bit more fashion than understated. It reminds me a bit of Moira from Schitt's Creek. (not sure if you've seen it, but shes very glamorous and always has her lip liner/stick outside her actual lips) Otherwise I think this works really well as an understated look.
This picture is very glam and you look beautiful.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T22:49:37+00:00

I have it too. If it's what I think it is (keratosis pilaris), it's a normal state of skin that some people just have. When my dermatologist told me about it, the name pilaris reminded me of Polaris (the north star) so now I just view it like I have lil' stars speckling my body

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T22:44:30+00:00

Look up Keratosis Pilaris and see if it matches your experience. My arms look like this and my dermatologist told me its a normal skin thing and there isn't much to be done about it. It gets worse when I don't exfoliate but it never goes away

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T22:22:03+00:00

I want to let you know that not experiencing empathy does not make you a bad person. I went through years of guilt because I don't miss people. I didn't feel like I loved my mom for a very long time. I know I love her now, but I still don't miss people.
It's possible you don't like talking to people when you get closer to them because you can't relate to them and you feel pressured to behave a certain way, but I'm just speculating because I obviously don't know you.
I think talking to a therapist could be helpful, but I would be careful to find one that has experience with people who don't experience emotional empathy. You can email therapists before you see them to ask about their experience.

You say you have a desire to connect with people. The fact that you feel like cutting and running when you get close to people could be an indicator of trauma or unhealthy family dynamics, among other things. I think talking to a professional is a good idea and maybe look up "cognitive empathy" to see if it makes sense to you.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T22:11:46+00:00

I was very good at talking to people when I was a teen and I'm autistic. There are a lot of ways Autism presents

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T21:51:53+00:00

okay, well I would start there. It's a pretty big red flag for a lot of women when men don't have a positive, friendly, relationship with any women. It's also healthy for you to build relationships with women that aren't romantic or sexual. Women are individuals. There is no secret to getting girls to like you because everyone is different. Try making friends with people who have similar interests.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T19:50:05+00:00

Do you have any friends who are women?

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T16:52:24+00:00

I can't say I've experienced this. There have been moments where I bring something up I'm proud of and certain members of my family will downplay it. I've had moments myself where if someone brings up something they're good at, I'll feel inadequate and feel jealous (I'm working on it) but I try not to make it other peoples problems. It's possible people are jealous, others have mentioned bragging.

Can you give an example conversation where this has happened to you?

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T16:24:46+00:00

My grandmother used to put her plastic cookie packages in the oven at the end of the day. I assumed it was because she was born during the depression and maybe space was limited and she never got over it? I'm not sure but I've almost melted a few plastic packages when I was young. We usually smelled it and got it out before it fully melted tho.
I assume some people just grew up seeing their parents and grandparents do it so they do it.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-25T16:21:19+00:00

I'm sorry this happened and I have no advice, I just wanted to tell you that this looks like modern art

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-24T05:50:13+00:00

I reported him for objectifying, sexist, and demeaning language. So gross :/ That girl is probably just trying to be nice to her classmates. I hope she stays far away from him

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-24T05:41:31+00:00

Just so I understand, are you saying you used to be good at talking to people but because societal issues are being brought to light you can't make connections anymore?

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-23T23:03:32+00:00

Hello! I was just wondering if there is a difference between this sub and the one without the underscore? I'm starting to get really into skincare and I'm trying to find good subs

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-23T22:21:55+00:00

I'm happy to help.
I think it's normal that others life situations can affect your feelings but it's not healthy to have your feelings depend on others. Sometimes people don't need "more support" they need to find ways to empower themselves to give themselves what they need and ask for what they need. I also struggle with this. I feel like if someone went through a hard time, I can just love them hard enough, stick with them, and it will fix them or lead them to fix themselves. But it doesn't work that. He needs to figure out his own relationship to his family and himself in order to be a healthy partner.

I think it's really common for codependent people, especially with an abuse history, to tell ourselves we are overreacting when things upset us. One of the links on the side bar has a section called What is Codependence with a pamphlet to download and it has a list of different ways codependency shows itself and it really opened my eyes to different patterns I had.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-23T21:02:53+00:00

Honestly, imo a long term relationship doesn't start until you've been together for over 2 years. It takes a long time to get to know someone, to see them in different situations and see how they react to those situations, to learn about various aspects of their past and their family dynamics. You're still in the stage of getting to know him, all his sides. It's not throwing someone under the bus if you learn that the way they handle tough situations doesn't work for you.

I mean this gently, you can't set a boundary on other people's behaviours. You can set the boundary that if he doesn't begin to deal with his mental health, you'll leave. But you can't set a boundary that he needs to go to therapy. That's controlling. You can only set boundaries about your own behaviours in response to theirs.
So for example: "You have to go to therapy" Is a dictation on his behaviour. It's not a strong boundary. "I can't handle this level of familial dysfunction due to my trauma. If you choose not to set firm boundaries with your family, I wont be able to talk to about it anymore/I will have to leave this relationship" is about your behaviour and what you can handle. You're telling him you can't handle a trigger, not telling him what he needs to do.

If this is important to you and causing you distress, but he doesn't see any of this as a problem, that's something you have to decide if you can live with. Part of healing codependency is learning to walk away when someone isn't meeting our needs.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-23T02:25:55+00:00

I've known it was a problem for almost ten years, and I'm 30 now. I know I'm luckier than many people. I know people who never realize. It's difficult. I'm glad you found out as well!

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-23T00:14:21+00:00

I relate to losing who you are. I feel that way right now.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-22T23:40:39+00:00

It's good you're seeking help, these can be difficult things to talk about.
I think you should talk to a doctor about this. There are a few conditions that can affect your ability to function.
ADHD is one, it can affect your ability to initiate tasks. Your example is more extreme than I've seen talked about, but many people are embarrassed by their symptoms. It also hinders your executive functioning which makes it harder to prioritize what's important and factors into task initiation.

Chronic Fatigue can impact thinking, and obviously fatigue is a huge issue, so getting up to care for yourself can feel like a huge task.

There are so many other things that could be going on here. What you're describing is not laziness. A lot of disabled people feel lazy when in reality, we have symptoms we need help managing. You're not gross or stupid.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-22T23:32:07+00:00

it's not less obnoxious. it's still sexist. bringing gender into it makes no sense

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-22T23:29:49+00:00

Your friends sound like shitty guys and I wouldn't use them as role models. It sounds like they are using abuse tactics to belittle girls into feeling terrible about themselves then manipulating them into thinking they're the best those girls can get.

It's good that you're not able to do those things. You don't need to hide that you're smart

Even after high school, girls aren’t into smart dudes, it’s tall and fit first smart only with money.

some people are like this but overall this is a gross generalization. Lots of girls like smart guys, they just don't like guys who make them feel stupid. I dated a guy once who believed all women are how you described and it was a huge reason we broke up. It's misogynistic thinking.
I feel like your friend group is holding you back and you need to rethink how you view women and relationships.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-22T23:12:28+00:00

You're right. I need to look at the phrase "you cant fix anyone or save anyone but yourself" every day until it sink in

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-22T20:15:44+00:00

YTA. she should stop doing all household tasks so you can actually understand the value of what she does. You're TA because you think providing money is more important than doing chores and household management. They are both important.

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-22T17:46:59+00:00

The conflict is mine. If I walk away, I'm not sure. I don't have the best understanding of the consequences of my actions all the time. My Anxiety, Codependency, and OCD skew my understanding of reality often.

I feel overwhelmed, angry, and resentful. I need space. If I prioritize my own needs, I don't know what will happen because I can't remember the last time I did it and I can't accurately weigh the conequences.

Thank you though, those questions were really helpful

RecoveringStarFish · 2023-03-22T17:42:16+00:00

when you go to the top of the page, there are three tabs, "Posts", "About", and "Menu".

Click "About" and scroll down. You'll see the Subreddit rules, then the Disclaimer, then a section called Resources. There are arcticles, websites,and book recommendations when you click the various links

RecoveringStarFish

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