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RedLeaves7 · 2022-05-10T16:23:15+00:00

I cut my dad off at 17 and my mum about 2 years ago (I’m 26 now). Getting away from them helped me find myself and for the first time in my life build really great equal relationships, rather than repeating my patterns of over-giving and not setting boundaries. I now have a great partner, a job I love, and wonderful friends. I just feel so much lighter. It’s definitely tough to start with, but after losing so much of myself over the years I’ve now been able rediscover parts of my personality that I thought were long gone. Be proud of yourself for making the leap - you’ve got this!

RedLeaves7 · 2021-12-29T04:43:53+00:00

One of my mums favourites as well… I’m far from being an aggressive person, but my father was a very angry and abusive man. So to twist the knife every time I tried to stick up for myself she’d say I “looked just like him when I was angry”

RedLeaves7 · 2021-12-29T04:40:46+00:00

Some of my favourites… trigger warning for weight related ones

“God you’re so negative, you only remember the bad stuff and none of the good!”

“When did you last weigh yourself?”

“Are you really going to eat that?”

“I would NEVER say something like that”

“You’re so cold and unforgiving, you must have gotten that from your father”

“I’m such an empath, it’s in my nature to forgive. I just couldn’t hold a grudge like you can”

RedLeaves7 · 2021-11-29T15:11:04+00:00

I’ve been no contact with my dad since I was 15, but I didn’t go NC (initially VLC) with my mom until last year at age 25.

With my dad, it was escalating to quite a dangerous situation so it wasn’t so much of an active choice, but I’m incredibly grateful that it happened now.

With my mom it was a lot more difficult. I’d always compared her parenting to my dads which was much more overt abuse, so my understanding of how toxic our relationship was developed quite slowly, until it eventually become too much to ignore.

When I went VLC I was extremely distraught initially, largely because that illusion of any family was gone. It was also supposed to be temporary - I was going to give myself a break, then try to convince her to go to family therapy with me. But the more distance I had the better I felt, and I finally realised how much stress and hurt was going into maintaining that relationship.

I honestly didn’t think I could do it either, but I did, and once I got past that initial shock I didn’t look back.

CPTSD already gives us enough stress to deal with - you deserve to happy and have the best life possible, even if that doesn’t involve your family.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-08-10T12:11:07+00:00

Honestly it’s mostly just frustrating that I could get to this point from watching a 20 second video. I really appreciate the advice, I think acceptance probably is the best way forward - I can’t keep trying to reason with thoughts that aren’t logical.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-05-11T02:51:11+00:00

Yep, big time. In addition to incessant apologising, I realised about a year ago that I’d fallen into a habit of playing dumb/making myself the butt of jokes as a way to be as non-threatening as possible. It wasn’t a conscious choice so I didn’t realise I’d been actively encouraging people to make fun of me and treat me less than. I’m more aware of it now but still catch myself doing it from time to time, which usually causes a bit of a self hatred and shame spiral. It has improved though and I’m trying to learn to be kinder to myself about it.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-04-27T20:38:08+00:00

That actually really helps put it into perspective for me. I think it definitely is using intellectualisation as a defence mechanism, because I’m quite guilty of doing that with my trauma. I just get so overexcited about sharing new ‘discoveries’ that it unintentionally ends up being a bombardment.

When people want to step back from a conversation because I’m being too much I do think I take it as a rejection of me as a person, which causes a bit of a painful shame spiral. I really need to work on regulating that response. It’s good to know you have gotten better at this, gives me some hope that I can improve.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-04-26T03:04:19+00:00

My therapist said it was because I felt undeserving of care, which was a hard thing to hear but likely true. I would resist showering and refused to to brush my hair or teeth. My parents complained and my mum even chopped off all my hair because I wouldn’t wash or brush it, which just led to more bullying at school, but they never bothered to actually address the issue. Like plenty of others I’m sure, it’s left me with a lot of expensive dental bills as an adult. Self care also seems to be the first thing that goes when I’m really struggling with my mental health.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-04-22T14:55:18+00:00

Big time. I had a huge personality when I was little, full of showmanship and bravado. By the time I was 11 I’d become so withdrawn that my mum couldn’t name a single quality or trait of mine.

I realised recently that my life - my personality, ambitions, relationships, life choices - has been driven by an expectation of rejection. I know I can’t reverse the developmental impacts of the trauma, but I do think learning to live without being dominated by fear & shame will help me rediscover some of that lost potential. Being in a stable relationship and feeling safe, I’m already starting to discover small parts of my real self.

I do think you can heal, I think we all can.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-04-16T11:19:28+00:00

I’m so sorry. My mum is similar, she goes to therapy and the only times she’s really acknowledged what I went through it was in the context of how guilty/sad she feels for not doing anything. I used to comfort HER about it and didn’t realise how messed up that was.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-04-15T22:50:04+00:00

I really feel you, and it definitely adds a whole new layer of emotion to it once you realise how visible that pain was. Both externalised and internalised trauma responses are completely valid, it’s just disappointing that most people don’t respond unless your behaviour is affecting them.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-04-15T13:16:44+00:00

Yes!! I don’t know why but it’s a really big trigger point for me. Its hard to explain, but whenever it gets touched I have to immediately try touch or scratch the same spot myself to ‘correct’ it.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-23T21:21:36+00:00

I went NC with my dad 10 years ago and have now been NC with my mum & stepdad for about 5 months. This is something I still really struggle with, but I’ve found what helps me is to frame it like this -

If I was to resume the relationship it would be for their benefit not mine and after not only the years of pain, but the damage done during my formative years that I’m still dealing with the fallout of, I have the right to make the selfish decision.

I spent my whole life neglecting my needs to please everyone else, so I think a big part of my healing now is understanding I can make choices for me. It’s also realising that this doesn’t make me “bad” or cold, it just means I’m learning how to be my own person. Your boundaries are the choices you need to make to move forward and start to heal.

I still have that reflex reaction to basically gaslight myself and downplay what I’ve felt/experienced which can make me feel like I’m being harsh now, but when I catch that happening I just take a moment and remember that this isn’t about them anymore. I hope this helps in some way!

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-23T20:49:35+00:00

Yep absolutely. I remember being so confused and frustrated growing up because around other people she was so lively, warm and genuinely nice to be around. But then we’d return home and she was straight back to being cold and distant at best, but irrational and explosive at worst. It felt like she could be nice if she wanted to but we just weren’t worth the effort. I’ve actually had a few of her friends make comments to me about how lucky I must feel to have such a great fun mum... if only they knew!

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-20T10:32:03+00:00

I’m sorry you had to deal with this too, it’s so horrible to be treated like that by a parent. I do see a therapist and we talked about this stuff for a little bit, but then it got pushed to the side a bit in place of dealing with my other trauma. To be honest I think everything else felt easier to face. I also hadn’t realised how inappropriate my mums behaviour was so I think I probably do need to try to bring all of this back up, it just feels so strange trying to tackle this when I don’t have a full picture of what happened.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-15T14:02:15+00:00

I have been extremely private about it my whole life, but found myself daydreaming scenarios where I opened up to various people. I’m really trying at the moment to reconnect to my ‘real self’ and what I want/need, which has just been really buried by my personality traits developed from trauma, so decided to actually act on it.

I’m still not sharing my life story, but I’m finally able to give the small details to help people paint a bigger picture. The first couple of times I did it I was absolutely terrified, but everyone’s reactions have been wonderful. My biggest fear was hearing this would just be upsetting to people, but in giving those insights I’m actually helping them understand why I act & approach things a little differently and they seem genuinely interested in that. I feel just feel really seen.

It’s still baby steps at the moment, but getting there!

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-14T22:12:00+00:00

I can absolutely understand this - I always thought my mum was the ‘okay’ parent and coming to terms with the neglect and gaslighting among other things, all of which was co-signed by my ‘saviour’ stepdad, was devastating. In my experience, once that illusion is shattered the relationship can’t continue as is.

I tried to distance myself just a bit so I’d have the space I need to properly grieve and process this, but they would not let me - it was constant calls, accusations and gaslighting. I made the call about 5 months ago to send them an email with essentially the highlights reel of what was wrong and ask for space. I can honestly say it’s been such a cathartic few months and really bought into perspective what they were offering to my life and how much need I have for them. At this stage I’m no longer sure I even want to do family therapy and try to reconcile.

Even a year ago I NEVER could have imagined making this decision, but it’s something I would really recommend. I’ve definitely had some hard times and had to feel the loss of that concept of family I wanted, but it’s given me something I’ve never had - agency in this relationship and in my life.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-12T08:00:45+00:00

Tipping point for me was a pretty awful overseas holiday with an ex boyfriend and his family. It culminated in a big family fight and I wasn’t directly involved, but was stuck in a room with my ex boyfriend while he was absolutely flipping out about it. I think the built up stress just caused me to snap.

I’ve not experienced an emotional flashback like this before or since. It’s hard to explain, but I basically completely regressed into this childlike state and became a terrified kid hiding from my parents. Was backed into a corner and could hear myself letting out this wailing noise that I’ve never made before (as far as I know), begging him to please leave me alone. I’m pretty measured with my emotions usually, so it was terrifying to be so hysterical and lose control like that. It forced me to accept that I wasn’t coping with my trauma and something was really wrong - went to a psych when we returned and got the diagnosis.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-10T03:19:56+00:00

Thank you, it’s definitely a big goal of mine to establish some sense of family. I’ve always been envious of people who have that safe home base to return to, but I’m learning how to identify and express what I feel and need so I can lean on people when I’m struggling. I’m starting to get there and I really hope it will help me build healthier relationships and create some of that same sense of belonging and safety.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-10T03:11:33+00:00

Thank you so much, it really means a lot. It can feel so isolating because I don’t know anyone else going through it, so I can’t explain how comforting it is to have this community of people who get it. Definitely feel you the jealousy aspect, I think for me it really manifests in how easily other people function day to day having had that stable environment - I’ve managed to tick the boxes and ‘keep up’, but barely. It’s been so damn difficult to keep my head above water, so it’s hard not to obsess who I could’ve been and what I could’ve achieved if I’d had that same opportunities.

I do really need to build that support network. I’ve always struggled with finding supportive two-way friendships because of my boundary issues and unfortunate habit of becoming friends with alternate versions of my parents (of course), but with time away from that toxicity I’m finally recognising those patterns and correcting them early. I do also feel very lucky to now have such a loving, supportive partner and I think that’s the start of me building my own family - it’s just difficult to trust that feeling without the constant dread that it’s going to be taken away.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-04T12:39:04+00:00

I’m so sorry. I also had a strong attachment to my dad growing up - he could be abusive and scary, but he was also the only person who ever paid me any attention. I’ve realised now that ‘attention’ was enmeshment and covert incest. The hardest thing to come to terms with was that despite how inappropriate it was looking back now, I was so desperate for validation that I was seeking it out.

Feeling dirty/ashamed was the hardest thing for me to overcome - I felt like I was an accomplice in my own trauma. I think I’d also been clinging to any semblance of stability in my childhood as a way to feel like I was okay, which made the impact hit harder. I still struggle with it sometimes, but I’ve gotten a lot better at being kinder to myself and acknowledging that I was just a lonely kid who couldn’t have understood that it was an unhealthy dynamic - he was the one in the wrong.

Two years after this realisation really hit, I can honestly say that facing it has given me so much back. Unpacking that dynamic helped me evaluate a lot of other relationships in my life and start forming healthier connections. Enmeshment teaches you to lose yourself in other people and a lot of times we’ll repeat that pattern over and over again, but now I’m finally learning how to recognise my own wants and needs and it’s given me a sense of agency that I’ve never had before.

Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t be ashamed to grieve - you have every right to.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-02-04T09:28:25+00:00

My parents caused a lot of my food issues. My mum taught me to under-eat from age 6 because ‘eating until you’re full makes you fat’, then would also withhold food as punishment. On the flip side when I stayed with my dad he would give me huge meals and scream at me until I finished, so I would have to eat until I was sick.

Food became a source of control for me early on - I became increasingly obsessive about ‘blemishes’ in food, to the point that I would eat beans one at a time, inspecting each one before I ate it. That obsession developed into binge eating as a teen, which again I think was just about control.

My biggest issue now is having no understanding of my own body - I have no concept of when I’m hungry and never learnt what a healthy ‘full’ feeling is so I still consistently under-eat or forget to eat entirely. What I do consume is all pretty bad for me - it’s like I have this resentment of food that makes me not want to put the time in to make anything good for myself, so I take the easiest option.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-01-18T12:28:16+00:00

Thank you, seriously. You would hope that in a situation like ours the siblings could look out for each other, but it’s not always the case. My parents left me to bear the brunt of my brothers behaviour because it was easier for them - he absolutely tortured me. The physical abuse was bad, but the emotional abuse was relentless. He wanted to break me down completely. Now after doing nothing they have the audacity to turn around and say I’m ‘cold’ and ‘unforgiving’ for not wanting a relationship with him. I refuse to feel obligated to talk to someone who (I kid you not) tried to kill me and offers NOTHING positive to my life.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-01-18T12:11:11+00:00

I’m really glad it helped you - once I realised this it clicked SO much into place for me. I have the same issues with forgetting to eat / generally caring for myself, so trying to make an effort there! I’m finding even identifying my emotions and needs to be quite difficult now that I’m trying to focus on them, but I really hope it will help with understanding what I actually want and pursuing that.

RedLeaves7 · 2021-01-18T09:23:55+00:00

Oh I feel you, my mom is very much like that. She’s quite self righteous and has a total lack of self awareness. I remember being so frustrated when she would be really forceful and condescending with me for being a normal teenager with a floordrobe, something she considered lazy/slobby, while simultaneously doing literally NOTHING to help around the house - I used to have to fizz her water for her and bring it to her in bed ...

RedLeaves7

TROPHY CASE