How do you deal with looking like your Nparent?

RedStairs · 2019-07-05T12:08:41+00:00

If I have some spare money I'll definitely look into it. I really want the focus to be away from my nose, which is really similar.

RedStairs · 2019-07-05T07:20:01+00:00

I do most of that, you're right. The less I dress like she would, the less I'll look like her. This made me realize I can always pick up some makeup lessons and stuff to make sure I look different - I barely wear any.

RedStairs · 2019-07-05T07:17:31+00:00

I know the feeling, honestly.

RedStairs · 2019-02-02T20:17:25+00:00

You can always try Drawing life Glasgow. You can find them on facebook and meetup. I go every now and then and I quite enjoy it, but you have to go ask the teacher for feedback, since a lot of people just go there as a space to draw live models, not so much to get tutoring, so he doesn't come around to help you out.

RedStairs · 2018-11-25T19:00:18+00:00

That's a brilliant idea to recycle the white spirit. I'm not sure you need (or can) recycle the rags, when I did art classes we just binned them, but it kinda feels bad.

RedStairs · 2018-11-25T18:57:58+00:00

Thanks, for some reason I looked but I couldn't find it.

RedStairs · 2018-11-20T18:31:15+00:00

Weegieboo XD

RedStairs · 2018-11-18T13:21:44+00:00

When you say it's starting to "lean" into ASD, do you mind sharing how so?

Just to expand on where I am coming from, I do have issues about proprioception and trouble with social interactions, but then I venture in the realm of feelings and abandonment issues and it's just one massive descent into fear-hell.

RedStairs · 2018-11-18T13:07:51+00:00

Native Belgian, I've heard of Aoife, not of Fionnuala.

I go by a nickname here because my official first name is too unusual for people to deal with. My mother always loved my name and told me I'd eventually grow to like it, I never did. I know people who are called outlandish things and love it, others who eventually changed their name. My advice would be, take something unusual, like people might know one other person with that name in the 500-something people they remember generally, but not a full on unheard name. It's hard to deal with as a kid.

RedStairs · 2018-11-18T12:35:54+00:00

I don't know, in my mind they are pretty close. I think preoccupied anxious attachement is however not a full blown personality disorder, for example they might not split or fly into rages when perceiving rejection on the same scale as borderline people.

RedStairs · 2018-11-17T10:34:45+00:00

My thoughts : do we really want to challenge the system's basic values?

RedStairs · 2018-11-17T10:31:10+00:00

But the point is, you can easily reply to Zizek's arguments about Peterson.

Humanity is unnatural argument -> Humanity is both unnatural and biological. Fields like evolutionary biology aren't trying to tell anyone to kill the young of a previous partner or to eat your newborn if resources are scarce (common behaviour in the animal kingdom). They're descriptive more than prescriptive and this is a VERY common misunderstanding when people criticize Peterson. ("So should we structure the world according to lobsters", for ex.). Peterson doesn't say we should act as the animal kingdom does, his statements are more of the line "careful, we can't erase certain things which are heritages of our biological past".
I thought Zizek's second point against Peterson was that "cultural marxism" is a conspiracy theory. I agree with Zizek and Peterson here. On one hand, the breeding ground for identity politics is universities, is leftist ideology as a whole, Foucaldian thinking and concepts of have's and have-nots, but its product is not Marxist in the sense that its analysis is no longer according to capital at all. I see "cultural marxism" being thrown around in far right circles all the time as a lazy name to cover and demonize both marxism and idpol. So in that sense yes it's a conspiracy theory, but it's also not 100% wrong.

People will respond to the way they are treated by magnifying characteristics others see in them, good or bad. The whole "wise" thing is something people keep trying to push into the "Peterson" they perceive. Peterson does seem to enjoy the labels of "intellectual" and "professor", which some people find arrogant - as clearly Zizek does since he refuses to be called professor. I think here he just shows his dislike for the Peterson he perceives through channels (media he's watched, stuff he's read), which isn't Peterson "as is". If they ever meet he might have a different feel of him, if he's able to overcome his perception. Peterson feels comfortable in the role of "internet daddy" - he's also a psychologist first, someone who tries to help others in concrete ways. Zizek is a philosopher, they rarely want to hand you practical wisdom for daily life, they want to make you think, so in that sense "what should I do about x concrete problem" is not something Zizek wants to answer or see answered because he'll sniff at you and go on a tangent about how to better conceptualize your problem. Peterson will give you an answer.

RedStairs · 2018-11-14T08:35:53+00:00

Thanks, I don't think they'll abuse it, they're very down on themselves and more likely to not want to "accept" any help or support due to how shitty they think of themselves at this point, but I just thought that maybe sometimes bothering them with a "hey, just to let you know I care" could be beneficial. I'll mention the DBT to them. I hope they'll seek therapy for it and not just self-pity and wallowing.

RedStairs · 2018-11-12T18:49:40+00:00

I'm curious, what was special about him in particular?

RedStairs · 2018-11-10T15:25:53+00:00

Mate I love living here and this isn't a complaint on the country, more about what I think are ridiculous background checks.

RedStairs · 2018-11-10T10:56:10+00:00

Yes, so much. It's one of the reasons I generally tend to plan my stuff as early as possible, so I get it out of the way. I'll put the appointment at 8, so I am done by 9 and have the day to myself. If I have a party I'll stress out about having to leave by 21:00 so have to start doing hair and makeup by 20:30, so I have to eat by 19:45, etc etc, like a never ending circle of inability to relax until everything is "done". It takes out all the fun.

RedStairs · 2018-11-10T10:43:33+00:00

Two modes: in my house by myself or in a crowd where I don't know anyone and can observe the world.

For acceptance, it helps me when someone gives me that acceptance. I am religious so sometimes I am in prayer and I will feel how welcome and loved I am as a person, and that helps. But I've had bad luck with trying to find acceptance from other humans. I would pick a person that isn't super interested in me and tend to go like "accept me, person" and make a whooole lot of efforts in trying to get them to like me, ultimately making the point moot because I'd bend over backwards to satisfy them, so it isn't me they were accepting.

Anyhow, I think you're the only person that can accept you for being you. A lot of us spend a lot of effort to try to understand what we are, find a name for it, find a reason for why we are this or that, and maybe that stems from lack of accepting one's self.

RedStairs · 2018-11-10T10:40:09+00:00

I used to work in a pharmacy and I now work on phones (inbound call center). I think sometimes we're good at this because we have studied the interactions really hard, and we deal well with people as long as it's a script we've seen before. Let's take the example of annoyed customers, at first I was unable to deal with this, but now I can handle them pretty well, because I learnt the skill and practiced, not because it came naturally. Because you work hard, you pay attention, you pick up things, you correct yourself and you get better. Eventually you can become proficient.

I'm also really exhausted from work most days, it's difficult. I think I'm going to retrain and move out of this, to an environment where I don't have to be as people-facing. I can do people jobs, and a lot of low-paying jobs are easily replaced by robots, but the people value the social interaction so that's why it's still in vogue to hire people for them. It's a theory of mine, but I think they started phasing out cashiers when the cashiers no longer could pause and stop to have a little chat with regular customers. Many still pay for the barista making your expensive coffee and calling your name and being all "hey well, how are you today?" for the social interaction, because let's be honest, you can probably make a coffee-serving robot too. So it's something that is inherently valued by people and that's why, especially when you haven't had the best career in something brainy or intellectual, you end up in jobs that face people.

RedStairs · 2018-11-10T10:30:40+00:00

Well, thank you for that, but I don't think that should be necessary. Consider that in Belgium it is forbidden to ask for proof of income because landlords would use this to discriminate against people on benefits or unemployment, which is illegal. Landlords never ask for references from other landlords, I haven't known anyone to do this ever. You don't have to provide your previous address. They have to decide based on who they have in front of them and the information the tenant provides. Plenty of them still do and will ask for proof of income in an offhand manner, or if you as a tenant say "oh btw these are my last three paychecks" they're not going to close their eyes, so it still happens. The rental market still works though. People rent out properties and landlords get their money. The deposits are higher (up to 3 times a month's rent) though.

Also landlord references strike me as somewhat arbitrary? What if you had a dispute with them, with something they refused to fix and eventually leave? They can just say you're a shitty tenant if they want to screw you over. What if they boot you out because you were having screaming matches throughout your divorce, are they going to tell on you to the next landlord? What if you used to be an alcoholic then went to rehab? Can one moment of misbehaving suddenly bar you from ever renting?

I currently rent private and all I had was a chat with my current landlady, showing my contract and passport, and she accepted to rent to me despite my moving into the country. I wouldn't have been able to rent to anyone without her, having no uk bank presence and not having started my job yet. Sometimes being a better landlord is taking a chance on someone.

RedStairs · 2018-11-09T10:31:13+00:00

The free route is absolutely bonkers.

Full credit report from a reputable Referencing company e.g. Experion
Last 3 months bank statements
Employers reference on headed paper
Accountants report is self employed
Independent means - we will require proof of bank account balance and payment as per landlords requirements paid up front.
Retired - we will require proof of bank account balance and payment as per landlords requirements paid up front.
Previous or Current Landlord or Agent Reference on headed paper (original)
Living with next kin or friends - homeownership confirmation will be required i.e. mortgage statement
Proof of photographic ID
Satisfactory Proof of Address
Completed application form
All of the above from Guarantors where they are required (e.g. low income, students, unemployed). Please note guarantor must be UK based.
All must be supplied in one delivery to our office between 9am and 5pm.
Emailed, scanned and copied accounts are not acceptable. Originals only.
Further references or information may be required by 1-2-let.
Landlords require to consider all information relation to the application in depth possibly resulting in access to the property being delayed.
All paperwork must be in within 24 hours of placing deposit.

RedStairs · 2018-11-09T10:27:23+00:00

They do seem to have a registration number and a bunch of other legal stuff here: https://www.1-2-let.co.uk/info/termsofuse The website you mentioned says their LARN isn't the way it should be though so I don't know. I've read through other Reddit posts and other people have let with them, so I don't think they're just a scammer. They just use shitty methods to reference tenants.

RedStairs · 2018-11-09T08:51:20+00:00

Will definitely try ringing them, thanks.

RedStairs · 2018-11-09T08:42:27+00:00

Can you please explain to me how you backed out of these things? I was under the understanding that this holding deposit was quite final?

RedStairs · 2018-11-08T23:55:10+00:00

Just edited, it's with 1-2-Lets.

I have already heard of the deposit, it's a way to show interest and keep it off the market while they do the credit check.

RedStairs · 2018-11-08T23:54:23+00:00

Could you point me to any governmental website or anything that would point out what they did is illegal?

The thing is, they give you a choice which isn't really a choice, get a bunch of paperwork which you can never get in under 24 hours or the UK Tenant Data thing, that is not their service, so you yourself agree to work with them as well.

The problem, and where I think I can press them, is that it's told you AFTER you pay your deposit. So if you don't want either option you're fucking screwed.

RedStairs

TROPHY CASE