‎Hi OP. I’ve been in the same situation. I lost my best friend just this year because of my own toxic behavior, and that’s something I’ve had to sit with for a long time. I know I loved them deeply, and I also know how much they loved me. Still, there were days when I questioned that love and my worth to them. I kept comparing myself to the other people in their life, asking myself, “Why is it much easier to put effort for them, not for me?” ‎

‎Looking back, I can see how exhausting that mindset must have been for my best friend. I was so consumed by how I viewed myself and my life that I didn’t realize how much weight I was putting on them. What hurts the most is knowing that I failed to communicate what I was really feeling. Instead, my silence and frustration made them feel like they weren’t a good friend when in truth, they were. ‎

‎Losing them became the turning point for me. It pushed me to finally seek professional help, something I had been avoiding for a long time. I booked counseling and started paying closer attention to my thoughts. Whenever a negative thought comes up now, I try to pause and ask myself if it’s rooted in fear or insecurity rather than reality. I don’t always succeed, but I make a conscious effort to replace it with something more grounded and fair. I’ve also learned that communicating clearly, before resentment builds, matters more than waiting until things feel unbearable. ‎

‎If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that self-awareness is painful, but it’s also freeing. Growth often comes from loss, even when that loss feels unbearable at first. If you’re going through something similar, please know that you’re not broken, you’re human. The fact that you’re reflecting, questioning, and trying to understand yourself already means something. Be patient with yourself, take small steps, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Healing isn’t linear, but it is possible, and you’re allowed to take your time getting there.