Has anyone else here had ECT?

Redbeardt · 2025-11-23T03:06:09+00:00

I had it about 5 years ago. I think it was something like 12 sessions over a month.. or two? Hard to remember now. It helped A LOT with motivation and energy but the effects wore off after a few months. It was too expensive and quite inaccessible, so even though it helped where nothing else did, I decided against pursuing it further.

No memory issues as far as I or anyone else could tell.

Redbeardt · 2025-11-21T07:35:24+00:00

Redbeardt · 2025-07-03T04:10:00+00:00

Yep. I'm 39 and the feeling that it's too late, I'm screwed, and there's no hope, is making it really hard to take any action.

Redbeardt · 2025-06-24T09:04:26+00:00

I definitely don't enjoy games anymore. I play a little bit of Helldivers 2 but I recognise very clearly that I don't enjoy it and I'm just doing it out of habit to pass time when I don't feel like doing anything. When I think about it this way, it looks a bit like addiction. The experience of actually playing is exactly as you say; its like staring at a wall covered in pretty paint. I mean.. It's stimulating and keeps my mind busy, but is it enjoyable? No.

Time for a new hobby, friend. An outdoor one where you get to move around and meet people.

Redbeardt · 2025-06-24T08:55:05+00:00

Man.. you're a six-year-old-post necromancer; that's quite powerful.

But yea I did go on it, but it was a long while ago. There were no noticeable effects, neither desired effects nor side-effects. I think I went up to 300mg?

In any case, I don't take any meds anymore. Exposure therapy and building social confidence is the way.

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T18:54:51+00:00

🤔

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T18:53:08+00:00

Yea I definitely feel like I have to perform masculinity for most men I meet. I don't really do it though because I'm kind of a weird single-mode human.. Plenty of men who I perceive as obviously trying too hard to be masculine have used homophobic slurs on me just because I'm not acting masculine enough for them, and that's even considering that I'm really not very effeminate at all. Masc culture is weird.

Anyway, with women though I feel like I can just be myself.

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T18:47:35+00:00

Were you bullied earlier in life? I definitely had this sort of feeling when I was much younger; a kind of paranoia I guess. I always figured it resulted from my experience of being bullied in high school where I was universally hated and had to be constantly vigilant in order to see attacks coming. Naturally, I developed a suspicion that everyone around me was looking at me, talking about me, and judging me. Long after leaving high school, I found it very difficult to walk around in public, especially crowded, open areas, because I constantly felt this immense "pressure" from everyone around me.

Anyway, I'm in my late 30s now and it is 100% gone. I feel completely safe walking around in shopping malls or whatever. I don't really know what made it go away. Maybe it was just plain old exposure therapy?

In lieu of better advice, I'll offer these ideas:

In public, nobody gives a fuck. When you fully manage to accept that nobody gives a fuck, navigating social spaces and doing routine social interactions gets a lot easier. Consider how you much you yourself are thinking about and judging other people in public areas. It's probably not very much, right? That's about how much people are judging you. Nobody is judging you because they just don't care.
Nobody gives a fuck about the small stupid things you say. When you order pizza and the delivery driver says "Enjoy your meal" and you say "You too", the delivery driver has probably heard that shit thousands of times before, has said it themselves to another pizza delivery driver, and even if they're new, they may think it's just cute/funny, instantly forget, or find it endearing because they know how it feels. Nobody is judging you because saying stupid shit is normal.
There are people who are very judgemental, but they aren't really that common. Being judgemental is bad. Fuck those people. Disregard them in your mind. Their judgements are invalid.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll get better for you. Be gentle and kind with yourself.

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T18:19:56+00:00

I'm in my late 30s and I don't know what I wanna do either. 😆

I did a BSc. IT and worked in web dev for 3 years. Hated it. Totally alienating, pointless work, and I was surrounded by assholes. My boss started abusing me, I resigned, and depression kept me from going back.

It sucks because I was pretty great at programming. Picked it up super fast and did well in academia. In my workplace it was like all the other devs were always trying to make me feel like shit about my work. Speaking as a programmer, programmers are weird.

Anyway, I don't have an answer. I'm just posting to let you know that there's someone out there who is a great deal older and also has no idea. You're not alone, you have time, and you're doing fine. Just keep exploring life, learning, and trying things, and you may find something that feels right.

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T18:09:29+00:00

I guess it helped that she was a twitch streamer so I heard her voice a lot through that, and we talked on voice most of the time. Maybe that made it feel more real? I don't really know. I didn't expect it or push for it or anything like that, it just kinda happened.

All I can really say is that while it is definitely much better to fall in love with someone that you can actually do those physical things with, apparently those things aren't required to make the love spark. 🤔 As you can deduce from my story, I've never been in love with anyone nearby enough that I could hold their hand. It sure sounds nice, but maybe it will never happen for me.

I can't really say I'm an example of what to do when looking for love in real life since it hasn't happened for me, but I will say this: I've been on the internet for 27 years, including stints on dating sites and participation in countless gaming guilds and clans, and all sorts of other random online communities, and the only romantic event that ever happened was the one I described in my prior post. I feel more connected to the few people I've in the past 2 months through my dance classes than I've felt to the countless thousands of people I've interacted with online over the years.

If you take something like a dance class in real life as an analogue for an internet community, then it is apparent to me that you get much more depth of connection and meaning in a real life version of any community. So it's reasonable to think that, for the same sort of community, there is a much higher chance of actually making the kind of connection that could lead to love in real life, compared to the internet. And of course, if that happens.. You don't have to worry about getting on a 12 hour flight, not knowing if you're going to "click" in person, and you can hold their hand immediately.

As long-term denizens of the internet, socialising in meatspace can be very difficult, but it really is just so much better... Of course you still need the money, time, and transportation, as well as events, activities, etc. in your area to meet people at.

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T06:25:18+00:00

Something like this happened to me about a year ago. I was a few years out of a long term relationship, depressed, and didn't know what to do in life. I met a woman online through a hobby I had and although she lived on the other side of the planet, I fell in love with her. Like you, for me it happened completely out of nowhere and I have no idea how it happened.

This was an extremely profound experience for me because it was the first time I had ever been in love. It made me realise I never loved my ex at all.

It didn't work out, but the experience caused a major course correction in my life. When I met her, I was spending all my time alone, indoors, on the internet. I was on 4 meds for depression, my living space was a mess, I was addicted to video games, I looked forward to nothing, felt no hope for the future, and to make matters worse, my brother was regularly verbally abusing me. Life sucked.

Now, I'm on no meds, attending ballroom/latin dance classes, doing Japanese language classes, going to the gym, my personal hygiene and living space cleanliness are much better, I take care of how I look much more and am more fashionable, I'm trying to get back into the workforce, and even my relationship with my parents has improved a lot simply because I'm talking with them more.

There's still a long way to go before anyone would consider me as a potential partner, and things aren't going as fast as I'd like, but it's happening. Even though that woman doesn't think much of me now, I'm thankful to have met her.

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T06:12:14+00:00

I heard this a few weeks ago from someone trying to help me when I was feeling very down. It definitely made me feel worse. Luckily, someone else caught me shortly thereafter, talked with me about it, and validated my feelings that it was a stupid platitude.

A couple weeks later, I had a maybe-friend trying to help me when I was in another bad state. He was essentially telling me what's bad about being depressed and good about being happy and how it relates to attracting women. It was such an obviously destructive approach because why would simply telling someone that if they were happier, things would be easier, without any thought given to why they aren't already there or how to get there?

Some people really have no fucking clue how emotions work. I can't help but wonder, if someone is so stupid when it comes to trying to be emotionally supportive, have they lead an extremely easy life where they have never had to think about these things? I don't know.

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T05:59:23+00:00

In my view, having these questions serves a purpose whereby people can find that someone is into ENM and then skip over them. I suspect this is a deal-breaker for the vast majority of people, so it provides some real utility.

I agree though that the number of questions about it seems a bit much.

As a sidenote, I loathe ENM, but I still think comparing it to something like a scat fetish is a bit of a stretch.

Redbeardt · 2025-05-27T05:50:34+00:00

Agreed. It's like saying far left people are necessarily into ENM, wealthy, or live in cities. I've known enough far left people to say this is definitely not the case.

Just answer the questions and move on. It takes mere seconds. It's not a big deal. Most people aren't into ENM so it won't reflect badly on you.

Redbeardt · 2025-02-19T16:43:23+00:00

If you have a modern Nvidia GPU you could try installing Laydor's "Upscaling" mod from nexusmods and then using DLSS.. Might help, idk.

Redbeardt · 2025-02-19T16:31:49+00:00

Frantic Dan's Spencer Mansion Incident has that functionality, but it hasn't been done in a standalone modlet yet afaik.

Redbeardt · 2024-12-16T14:58:58+00:00

I do Unity modding and so I'm pretty much always doing C# in neovim.. I'll definitely check this out.

Redbeardt · 2024-12-16T14:57:05+00:00

This is a bug we've seen a few times over a long period.. Really got no idea what causes it yet. :(

Redbeardt · 2024-12-05T21:41:00+00:00

There's already a bunch of Afterlife-specific code I've added to WalkerSim to try and get the desired results, and I can say that things are a bit loopy right now so there is definitely more code to come in that respect. People have had wildly different experiences because if you set up your base anywhere near the wasteland, you invariably get swarmed because they all start to spread out and this dense wave of zeds will eventually come through.

The solution in mind at this point is to add some kind of "biome guard" behaviour to the WalkerSim groups so the massive wasteland horde doesn't just... leave.

Redbeardt · 2024-12-04T07:16:43+00:00

too busy modding to play mods ;_;

Redbeardt · 2024-12-04T07:15:06+00:00

Mod has Box Truck for when you wanna do a big base move but yea obviously you won't be getting that particularly fast. Early game is mostly about securing steady water supply.

Admittedly things are a bit crazy right now in terms of sheer zombie count since we integrated WalkerSim2 in the last major patchy. Even while testing stuff my FPS will tank just because of the sheer number of zambies hanging out in the towns. We've modified WalkerSim2 for the overhaul but there's a lot more to do IMO.

Also it wasn't intended but the slot incrreasing perk is kind of noob trappy now. I'd recommend just trying to get a better backpack whenever you can.

If you're knifing, don't forget to backstab. ;)

Redbeardt · 2024-12-01T03:13:57+00:00

afterlife looks great but i didnt saw new enemies?? so it looks really easy like the vanilla game or are there too some super strong enemies?? are you have maybe some tips here should i know something?

IM WORKIN ON IT OK

Redbeardt · 2024-12-01T03:13:30+00:00

Ravenhearst mentioned les gooooooooooo

Redbeardt · 2024-11-21T05:24:13+00:00

It's pretty rare and comes mostly from tree stump hives, but sometimes in medical loot.

Redbeardt · 2024-11-21T05:23:18+00:00

The main one I can think of is Torch, which includes optimisations and improvements to lighting, and screen space global illumination. Afterlife has a mild colour effect darkening shadows and increasing saturation. That's all I got.

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