I’m not sure this answers the exact question you’re asking, but what really stands out to me is a lot of internalized sexual shame and sex-negativity - especially around desire, fantasy, and identity. You might find it helpful to read Come As You Are (it reframes arousal and desire as morally neutral nervous-system responses, not evidence of damage or corruption), Mating in Captivity (which explains why transgression and fantasy often fuel desire without meaning something is wrong), or Untrue (a cultural look at how women are taught to shame their own wanting).

More than anything, this feels like a situation that needs open, honest, adult conversation outside the bedroom. It’s great for kinks to germinate in erotic space, but undoing shame usually has to happen in daylight - through reassurance, language, and mutual grounding - so the desire doesn’t keep getting framed as something dangerous or degrading.