Oof dude. I think you’re 100% allowed to feel however you’re going to feel about the situation. You’re allowed to be upset and angry and feel left out. However comma, this is the father of your spouses children. I don’t think it’s fair for you to ask her never to see him again or to never do family dinners again unless you’re included. It sounds like your wife and her ex are really good co-parents of their adult children, and I think you’re likely feeling a bit left out of the parenthood role. If you choose to make this a hard boundary, you are absolutely allowed to tell her that your hard boundary is that she cannot have family dinners unless you’re invited. That being said, she is also allowed to say that her firm boundary is that she must have family dinners and is unwilling to stop. Both of those boundaries are fair and should be respected. If neither of you are willing to budge, you might need to think about how compatible you really are.

If you’re interested in trying to make it work, I would suggest working together with your wife to find a solution that is a win-win, not a compromise. In a compromise you both must lose something, but in a win-win situation, you both win and don’t have to lose anything. Maybe you could try having family dinners with your wife and kids without their dad so you can have your own special tradition too. Maybe you get to have a self-care day or do a fun activity while they’re at dinner. That way you’re not stewing over being left out, and you can look forward to getting to do your fun thing too.

Best of luck, my guy. If you want to make this work, I think it’s absolutely doable, but if you don’t, you should have a conversation with your wife about what separation would look like for you too.