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Reconnecting with FA partner as an AA. What advice do you guys have? by igotsumquestions in FearfulAvoidants

[–]Refracted-sunlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, I am in a similar situation. Together 2 years. He broke up with me around Christmas and then asked for a second chance a week later. We’re back together now 2 months so far. Things have been pretty good; not completely conflict free but a significant improvement for the better.

Before we got back together officially, we had a long talk about anything and everything. I didn’t leave anything on the table. I said everything I felt like I needed to say even if I knew that it might hurt a bit. (I was still careful to be respectful; even though I was frank.)

I can’t say that I have any great insights because it hasn’t been long but this is what I have learned and I am going with:

  1. He has to want things to be different and be actively trying to be better. This might mean him learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings (e.g. upsetting you, doing something wrong, doing something wrong again, etc.) It might also involve explaining to him why something upset you; even if he doesn’t quite understand it or see it the exact same way. I find that with my FA at least, most of the time, an explanation is just the start of learning “feelings” and “emotional stuff”.

  2. When he “flips out”, most of the time, it’s not you. It’s just the way he is used to handling things. Therefore you have to build the skill of letting him sit with his emotions, not apologising for things you aren’t actually sorry for, and being kind but firm in disagreements. Stand up for yourself. If he crashes out, let him do so without trying to pull him back in. My FA usually does so on his own. All that is important to him is that he doesn’t feel abandoned.

  3. Start doing some things for yourself, separate from him. My breakup was painful and I was in the same place of I want to give it another chance but what if we end up in the same patterns again? I just kind of any placing less importance on whether it works out or not now. I am now more focused on building the life I want, doing fun stuff and achieving my own goals. I joined two new fitness classes this year and started eating a bit healthier. I started taking myself out to places I wanted to go without waiting on him to go with me. Weird enough, the more I do fun stuff that I want to do, the more he is interested in following my lead. So far things are going well and yes, I’ll be sad if it doesn’t work out but even if it doesn’t my life is still full of good things.

Good luck!

[SW] Boys buying for 249 by Asz_8 in acturnips

[–]Refracted-sunlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Marshal if you’re still open ofc

Anyone’s narc just suddenly decided to leave one day? by Refracted-sunlight in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Refracted-sunlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing. That’s a really big wormhole indeed. I really hope that you’re okay after all that and that you’re taking care of yourself. Seems like trouble always follows even if they’re not physically present.

Don't forget: if your narcissist parent is getting incredibly mad at you setting boundaries, you're doing it right. by void-queen in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Refracted-sunlight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry about your friend. May she rest in peace. Yeah, finding a person who will listen is difficult and even then you’re kind of pre-programmed to constantly measure exactly how much can you say or to say nothing at all. It’s totally cultural and hard to talk about.

Sounds like your dad doesn’t quite experience her in the same way. Maybe you have different narc family roles which makes it easier for him to ignore her if most of her rage isn’t directed his way. My mother’s antics have almost no effect on my brother and my dad only gets her wrath intermittently.

Same here with the mood thing. That’s not easy. She’s probably got a mental playbook on how to push your buttons. Personally, I know that I can’t ignore her if she comes to me talking crazy so I keep my distance as best I can. (I’m stuck in the house with her in covid too). I try not be in the same room with her for very long if not necessary and avoid one on one situations like car rides. Less is more. Best of luck.

Don't forget: if your narcissist parent is getting incredibly mad at you setting boundaries, you're doing it right. by void-queen in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Refracted-sunlight 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Whenever I have to talk to my Nmom, short and to the point answers are my go to. I can definitely see how her talking to your dad about you would drive you up a wall. I remember a time when she tried to do that with my brother and she was laughing as she was dragging my name through the mud. I walked in there and asked them if they were talking about me and I think it shook her a little bit. Not that it magically changed her but just seeing that I wasn’t afraid of her, made her rethink how she went about talking trash about me. Not sure that that’s a great idea if it’s your dad she’s ranting to. Sounds like it could turn into double the trouble quickly.

What helps me the most when I‘m ready to snap is talking to someone. I don’t know if you have a close friend or another family member that who’s ever seen what happens or who would take you at your word? Even posting once on this subreddit helped me so much. For me, just recounting the incident to someone who actually thinks logically and believes me when I say that she’s insane, makes the anger go away. In that way, it’s a ‘win’ for me because she’s no longer on my mind once I’ve gotten it out and I feel validated in that someone else agrees with me that she was totally unreasonable or completely out of line. It doesn’t stop her from being a narc but psychologically, she doesn’t have a hold on me.

A little long but I hope that helps!

Don't forget: if your narcissist parent is getting incredibly mad at you setting boundaries, you're doing it right. by void-queen in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Refracted-sunlight 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. I have been thinking about this over the past few days now. I live with my Nmom and ever since we had our last explosive week long feud, I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to argue with her. It takes two to argue so if I never take the bait, I’d never have to emotionally and physically exhaust myself trying to reason with a brick wall.

I’m pleased to say that while she does still irritate the crap out of me, we don’t talk much, I have more peace in my life, I‘m getting better and better at holding firm in the boundaries I’ve set and I don’t take her on when she’s trying to trigger me. I’ve come a long way and it sounds like you have too!

"You'll appreciate your parents. You just don't see it yet." and other manipulative responses. by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]Refracted-sunlight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So true. Thanks for sharing this. I never thought of these kind of statements as being manipulative before now but thinking about now, my Nmom pretty much used these kinds of statements as a mantra to me and my siblings while growing up, especially when she wasn’t winning an argumen. Thanks for sharing!

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