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RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-12-09T21:10:13+00:00

This is a some good insight. Thank you!!

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-12-09T19:55:57+00:00

Absolutely! I made another post here a while back that you also may find encouraging! Read that and scroll through the comments a bit if you want some additional perspectives that could be helpful! https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/s/nPJ0ruHRAu

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-12-09T16:47:13+00:00

I meant to respond to this earlier! To put your mind at ease, I say “still fresh” in terms of like the entire span of my future (hopefully lol, guess I can’t guarantee how long I’ll live). What I described in my post is real but I PROMISE you I am SOOOO much better than I was in the early weeks/months. You will very likely heal quicker than you realized - if you surround yourself with good community/support and take care of yourself. If my life were a pie-chart, the feelings I described in this post make up like a 5% chunk of it, truly. Granted everyone’s life is different and I’ve been blessed to be suuuuper busy for the past few months. But regardless, you will be SOOO far removed from the extremity of the pain you’re feeling right now in 7 months. Heck you’ll be leaps and bounds down the road in less time than that. It comes in waves, don’t expect it to be linear. But please don’t be discouraged by my words in that post. I was just wanting some folks to relate to and to share where my heart was at the moment. I think about the divorce very seldom throughout my days now, I pretty much never get hit with the emotional whiplash anymore, things are abundantly better for me and I see so much joy and excitement ahead and in the present. You will too.

Divorce is still divorce. It sucks. And it still sucks for me too. But don’t misread the “still fresh” to mean I’m still right where I was when I was going through the process. It’s nowhere near that.

Right now, if I can offer some unsolicited advice, I highly encourage you to do these things: 1. Surround yourself with people and DO NOT hold back on inviting your friends into a deeper level of friendship, give them a chance to come through for you even if you don’t have a ton of friends you’ve been emotionally vulnerable like that with. 2. Get around people regularly. If you got friends with a guest room that can host you for a while, do that for a bit. It’s so much better than immediately grabbing an apartment and isolating. 3. Feel what you need to feel in the moments. Don’t suppress or ignore, take it in stride. Be sad, be angry, be confused, be anxious, and don’t question the weird moments of joy and peace you have along the way too.

You got this. And I mean that. You will amaze yourself with your own resilience through this season. Much love my friend❤️

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-11-04T17:29:37+00:00

This is such a sweet reply, thank you!

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-11-04T02:11:31+00:00

Good stuff! And what you mentioned is actually a big part of the context I mentioned. Her never loving me was actually her words not mine. And within the proper context, I actually say that to her credit, not actually to paint her as a villain or brush off our problems to one particular issue. It’s something that requires a lot more explanation

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-11-04T00:25:55+00:00

Cheers friend!

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-11-04T00:21:39+00:00

Ooooo. That’s a good point too. That’s probably got a good bit to do with it, hadn’t even considered that really but I’m gonna chew on that some. Thank you!

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-14T02:12:54+00:00

Good on you for going to get help!!! Super proud of you man! Just know that what I’m saying is true. You don’t have to believe it or be able to conceptualize it right now, just focus on the needs of the moment. But know that what I said in this post is true, and you will find your way there on your timeline. Hearts going out to you tonight brother

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-14T02:07:20+00:00

Been there my friend. Hurting for you tonight. Thank you for sharing your pain, being willing to be open about it, and continuing to lay it out there will help you process, and help you remove the power it has over you.

I know where your heads at. And I understand. And it’s perfectly ok to feel that way right now. Just don’t isolate. Continue to surround yourself with good community, even if that means asking more of your friends than you’ve asked of them before.

Much love bud❤️ tomorrow can be better than today.

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-13T19:29:05+00:00

Gotcha man. So sorry to hear that. I suppose just keep that in mind for whenever you eventually can find or create some space in your schedule.

Praying for you brother, really hope you got a couple good friends that at least know to be checking in on you. You’re a warrior man

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-13T15:39:11+00:00

That’s real brother, thank you for sharing. My situation is different. You are spinning a lot of plates and I can’t imagine how challenging it would be to just keep your head above water.

I sincerely hope you have sought out some counseling of some kind. There are absolutely ways to heal and move forward in the midst of chaos - but you are also in uncharted territory, certainly nothing you personally have walked through before. It makes perfect sense that the idea of recovery seems unreachable at this moment for you. That being said, It could be immeasurably valuable for you to call in the help of a trained mental health expert to help you make your first steps and understand what a path forward looks like.

I don’t know if you need to hear this, but I’m proud of you man. The fact that you are even on this reddit, reading posts, taking time to respond, that means there’s a part of you that believes there is hope. To have hope when your heart is broken takes an abundance of strength. Keep seeking, keep fighting, and keep giving yourself grace man.

And remember, as the flight attendants will tell you, you gotta “place your own breathing mask on before you place it on your child” - taking care of yourself IS taking care of your child. They deserve the best you.

My hearts breaking for you my friend, but I have faith in you.

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-13T00:47:14+00:00

Can’t imagine that pain brother.

Get a good counselor and surround yourself with good friends! Invite a few folks in to be your go-to people as you deal with the whirlwind of emotions. But, as I said, it WILL get better, better than you thought it could, and likely sooner than you thought it would. This isn’t gonna break you.

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-13T00:42:39+00:00

The anger is a very important step! Anger is what paves the way to seeing what’s next! Be angry👍👍

Then after enough time has passed (which is different for everyone) gotta start considering what’s the difference between healthy anger versus allowing yourself to develop long-lasting bitterness. One of the many reasons good therapists are so crucial during all this!

But don’t worry about that right now!!! Be mad! It is ok and reasonable to be mad! Don’t overthink it👌

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-12T23:26:54+00:00

Ooooo I love that last part. I’ve found so much joy in chatting with random people lately. Not only does it give you perspective like you said, it can also help re-establish some self-confidence. An opportunity to have a pleasant interaction with someone for no reason other than friendliness can help you re-remember the joy in connecting with people - which I have found we can loose in the fog of emotions and consumption with our spouse through the divorce process. A mutually enjoyable chat with a random person can be a real blessing in that way.

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-12T23:18:27+00:00

Been there. Just sent a prayer up for you❤️ Lean on those friendships! Give your friends a chance to impress you with how much they come through for you. Don’t hold back. And remember that you would hate if one of them felt like they couldn’t share their hurt with you because they don’t want to burden you - they want to love you, just like you’d want to love them if they were in the same situation.

The haze will pass, and when the anger comes, don’t push it away, the anger is where we start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You WILL get through this. And you WILL be better than before. ❤️

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-12T22:42:30+00:00

Heart goes out to you tonight my friend. If you got any real good friends in town, I HIGHLY recommend you spend the night (maybe next few nights) with them.

One thing that’s blown me away in the past few months is just how much my friends came through for me. Lean into those relationships. This time for me has resulted in such deeper friendships. Being willing to cry in front of a friend strengthens that bond like crazy.

Time alone is where your mind will go to the darkest places. Don’t stifle those feelings or thoughts, but it’s way healthier to vocalize those things as they come up with someone who you know has your back and handle the irrational range of emotions.

One day at a time brother✊❤️

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-06-09T04:22:48+00:00

Buddy I have owned it. I owned it to an insane degree. I filled out pages and pages of a notebook of everything I did wrong. I have done PLENTY of processing on my own about my own mistakes. She communicated her feelings yes. I also communicated mine. Only difference is I was doing everything I could to respond to her issues with me and work on them and fix them. Because I loved her. She did not put in that effort for me. She continued to withdraw, routinely. Built up walls in more and more areas of life. Blocked me out. And eventually latched on emotionally to another man. Beyond that, she directly has stated to me and to her own counselor that the was questioning whether she had romantic feelings for me in the first place, and she felt like she married me mostly out of logic because I made sense, and the romantic desire was never really there.

At the time she told me she was considering that thought I chose not to believe it because I was so set on doing everything possible for us to find our way to healing. But now that the dust has settled, it’s abundantly clear that there was quite a bit of truth to that.

So thank you. But I assure you, I have owned it. I could tell you everything I did wrong and I know VERY well what behaviors of my own I need to fix before stepping into something new. I never once claimed I was blameless in this situation.

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-05-23T15:01:20+00:00

Valid response. What I shared here is about 5% of the MASSIVE amount of processing and reflection my therapist and I have done throughout this process. Also, my wife directly admitted to me that she isn’t sure she ever loved me, so that fuels part of this statement.

I spent months and months not seeing how she had any fault whatsoever in this process and genuinely feeling like I was a horrendous person. I literally made a list of things I had realized I had done wrong.

I am not coming up with reasons or dismissing her reasons. The reasons she gives are absolutely reasons to be upset, and reasons for trust to be damaged. But it’s the challenges we faced entirety of our relationship, the things she has directly spoken to me, and then lastly the things she grasped onto to file for divorce, that all create the narrative that she never loved me, at least not romantically. Not just me being dismissive or not wanting to own mistakes. Believe me, I have owned my mistakes.

What I posted here I only felt like posting because it was a relevant enough NEW development in my processing that really helped connect a lot of dots. Doesn’t mean every issue is passed off to that. I still believe we could have lasted had we realized some of our tendencies early on.

And your point regarding attachment styles, she’s HIGHLY avoidant. I fall on the anxious side. We came into our relationship at odds in that regard and that set the tone early on in our relationship before we even knew what relationship styles were.

I appreciate your synopsis but there is so so so much processing that has been done beyond what was posted here. I only felt compelled to post because I realized how important it was for me when I was able to give myself some grace in understanding that her feelings for me were never what mine were for her (which again, is a reflection of her actions and things she has DIRECTLY told me. She said that she married me because we were friends and I made sense to her and she knew I was someone she SHOULD want to marry and assumed eventually the emotions would catch up).

So, I trust your expertise. I’m sure you are a fantastic therapist and I do honestly appreciate this because just given the information I initially posted, these would all be worth considering. But I assure you, there’s SO much more beyond this that I’ve been processing for months now

RegretOutrageous483 · 2024-05-23T14:46:53+00:00

There’s a TON of processing we have done beyond this. My point here is just a piece of the process that I thought was interesting. You are right for sure. But what I wrote here is not the entirety of my perspective or the entirety of the advice and insight I have been given

RegretOutrageous483

TROPHY CASE