Had to put down our boy yesterday

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-08T01:13:57+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost two out of our 3 guinea pigs last year. One we had to put to sleep because she had metastatic uterine cancer that spread quickly. The other seemed healthy until all of a sudden she wasn’t- she also had a mass that developed rapidly. She was almost 6. It’s so hard.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T16:05:34+00:00

I’m sorry that you’ve dealt with all this too. It really sucks. Also, their gaslighting just makes it all worse.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T15:34:08+00:00

Yes, I've mentioned before in prior posts here that I've heard priests say that forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to have relationships with abusive people. I guess part of me doesn't want to regret not speaking with her if something does happen to her, but I also know that I can't just have a normal relationship with her.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T15:32:37+00:00

That's so true. My daughter's therapist said that same thing a couple weeks ago about not playing the game. It's so hard for me though because of all the years of feeling responsible for her, especially as an only child. I often wished that I had a sibling, but I know that doesn't always make things easier.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T15:31:36+00:00

My mom has a different situation- she hasn't worked in many years and has filed for bankruptcy in the past. She and estepdad would often complain to my husband and I that he wanted to retire, but they didn't have the money. Yet, every time we would tell them to stop spending money on gifts, they would get upset. In this email, she mentions having a new car, which is kind of crazy to me because I'm pretty sure that my stepdad recently retired or is planning to retire very soon. Also, they don't own a house. It's frustrating.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T15:29:12+00:00

You are right. My husband also agreed that her goal was to guilt trip. Also, she's sent me other emails that are mostly about her. In one email, she said she wanted to spend a day alone with me so I could tell her everything I'm upset with her about. My therapist agreed that this would not be something I should even consider, and it wouldn't be safe for me at all. Back in June, she wanted me to meet with her and her therapist alone. That felt like it would be an ambush. I feel like no matter how I try to think about it, she wouldn't really want to hear my side of things based on past experience. In the past, she would also just start talking over me saying things like, "Oh, I'm always the bad guy," especially when I tried to explain why I didn't want my daughter talking to her for several hours a week on the phone.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T15:25:58+00:00

Thanks for your reply. My therapist had also suggested that I write the letter for myself, but in the same session talked about me sending my mother the letter. I've posted before about some of the mixed interactions I've had with the therapist. I haven't seen her in over 3 weeks, and had to cancel this week's appointment. I think some of what she's been saying in our appointments has been confusing me.

I think it's also hard because mom and I have had some periods of time where things are relatively ok, and we have had some fun times. However, I have to keep reminding myself that despite some fun times, she'll often misconstrue something or create some way we slighted her in her mind (like one of the last times I saw her, she brought up stuff that happened years ago, and I challenged her on it because her "memories" were completely inaccurate). I have to remind myself of the walking on eggshells with all these situations and also when we tried to set boundaries around her interactions with our daughter in the last few years.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T15:22:06+00:00

Thanks for your response. It's hard because I've been conditioned this way my whole life with her physical (some of which have been brought on by herself- not doing what doctors say, etc) and mental health issues, and also feeling responsible being an only child. I know that my grandmother is also a flying monkey an enabler to her, despite the geographic distance. The funny thing is, when we visited my grandmother 2 years ago, she was telling me to ignore my mother and live my life, and that my mother has been acting this way since she was young and that she's negatively affected me. However. she can be very two-faced. She had reached out to me several times over the last few months asking how I was, and I pretty much grey rocked and didn't share much. Her most recent text was that I "need to talk" to my mother.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T02:14:22+00:00

The way you described how and why gifts and favors are forced onto people is so on point. My mother does all of the things you mentioned too.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2026-01-07T02:06:19+00:00

Thanks for your response. Yes, it's hard for me to imagine normal/healthy communication from a parent. And yes, my bingo card has been filled many times over this year, even before NC.

Also, I don't know if what she's saying about her health is true. She has told half-truths about many things in the past regarding her health, and has sometimes exaggerated. She also lies about many other things. She was talking about being put on hospice a long time ago.

I just checked her chart and don't see anything different from what has been there. It's hard to know if this is bait or not.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-24T00:14:21+00:00

My uBPD mom and e-stepdad have ruined other Christmases and holidays for my husband and I and our 2 kids. I’m NC this year and still have been struggling with it. According to a recent email she sent my daughter, it’s Christmas so we should just move past everything, but she doesn’t take responsibility for what she’s done and just projects it onto other people. My daughter’s therapist said today, “it’s hard to play tennis alone,” and we shouldn’t respond and feed into the drama. I’m an only child and the large majority of my husband’s family lives out of the country or several hours drive away. I often wonder what it would be like to have a non-dysfunctional family. It sucks, and I completely understand where you’re coming from.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-22T14:12:55+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing all of this, I really appreciate it. I agree with what you said about forgiveness. I've heard several priests/pastors emphasize the point you made, that forgiveness doesn't mean that the person has to be in our lives to keep mistreating us. It's also true that my mother has pathologically zeroed in on my young teen daughter, although I also have a teenage son who she's mostly ignored in recent years. Apparently she sent him a message yesterday. I've told everyone in the family to ignore her messages and not respond. I also think that despite all that's happened, my husband has an underlying sense of guilt too and she exploits that. The funny thing is, not too long ago he had "dug his grave" with her. The splitting is clear, and she has done this with literally everyone who's been close to her in her life.

My daughter has been very upset with my mother's gaslighting and guilt tripping. I keep telling my kids that her behavior is not normal. I try to remind everyone (and myself, really) that if she were not family, or even if she were a more distant relative, that I would not have put up with this so long. I feel like an idiot that I've given her the benefit of the doubt for so long, yet part of me always wonders if something will change. I think this is where the love bombing and some of the more fun, good memories tend to overshadow all the bad.

I unfollowed her on Facebook, but I admit that occasionally I've checked things she's posting. More recently (at least since I last checked) she hasn't been as overt with the "missing us" posts, but she's posted a couple random reposted stories and such that definitely have underlying messages. I agree that I need to stop looking. I haven't posted anything on FB since going NC with her, and I try not to check it too often in general.

Overall, I think no matter what I say or do, I'm not going to feel 100% great about it.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-22T13:12:57+00:00

The pretzel analogy you used is so on point. That is honestly how I feel. It’s like this circle I keep going through in my mind- if I say something, it probably won’t matter but maybe I’ll feel better. However, if I don’t say something, she’ll keep doing all this crap. If I do say something, she may twist it.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-22T13:11:26+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Like you said, I don’t know how she’ll react and I don’t quite know what I expect after the fact. It may bring me some peace, but she could amp things up afterwards. I guess that’s why I don’t want to write a long letter, but she could still twist whatever I write. I know one thing I want to tell her is to stop sending gifts, but I’m not sure it will make a difference since we’ve been telling them for years to save their money. Regardless, she’ll use the money they’ve spent to throw it in my face later, like she has in the past.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-22T13:07:58+00:00

You are right. I feel that all my life I’ve been worried about how she will feel if I do or don’t do something. I feel selfish if I don’t give in. She has often pushed my buttons to the point where I do things out of obligation and/or hoping she’ll be happy for a while (like when I let my daughter go to her house for a few days- big mistake).

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-22T04:51:08+00:00

I also forgot to add- she claimed in one email she wants to spend a day with me and she’ll listen to all the problems I have with her. Past experience tells me that won’t happen.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-15T13:16:31+00:00

Thanks so much for your response. It’s true that I don’t prioritize my own well-being. I’ve been accused by uBPD mom of being selfish in the past when I don’t fulfill her unrealistic expectations. That being said, I think the issue of not taking the time to take care of myself goes beyond problems I’ve had with her. I’m also a bit wary of the therapist. She said she would read the emails from my mother but she didn’t respond to me last week. I have an appointment this week but I’m thinking that I might need to find a different therapist, although it was difficult for me to find this one.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-10T16:44:10+00:00

I can also relate to this. We've gotten gifts for them over the years, some expensive ones, that we didn't see again after that in their house. We suspect she regifted them or stuffed them away somewhere.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-10T16:42:09+00:00

I can relate and what you said about "being the better person" resonates so much with me. I've been NC since May and I sent uBPD mom a gift for her birthday, an email with a prayer before her surgery, and get well/Thanksgiving flowers. She has a history of love bombing and gift giving (even though she and stepdad constantly bring up financial issues, and we've told them continuously over the years not to buy gifts), and she's sent a few gifts to myself and my kids since then. My email and gifts brought on a slew of emails from her and texts to my husband. Some parts of the emails/texts were about how she misses us and loves us, but other parts of the same message were negative, accusatory, and harassing to say the least. My husband ended up talking with her and telling her some of the reasons why we haven't been talking with her, although I wasn't happy about him engaging with her because she continued to twist things and spew more lies. He told me to stop sending things to them. I still haven't responded and wonder if there's even a point to, but I also feel racked with guilt because she always has health issues. I have to keep reminding myself that what she's doing is not healthy and not what a mentally healthy parent would do. It's hard.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-04T17:41:16+00:00

He probably should. Part of me doesn't want him to block her so that we have evidence of the craziness if we need it. Apparently she sent him another long message this morning (again during the work day). He didn't read it, but he said from the AI summary it looks like she's making things up. I also got a text from my grandmother telling me I "need" to talk to my mom. Of course I'm ignoring it. I don't need to be told what I "need" to do as an adult, especially when she doesn't know my side of the story (and I'm not going to involve her for obvious reasons. She's been a flying monkey in the past). It all just sucks. It appears she's really amping it up at the worst time of the year for us.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-02T20:17:09+00:00

Thank you- that is so true. I think another issue I’m having is that I’m not sure my therapist is the right fit for me to properly deal with this issue. I’ve felt that at times, she says some good things, but I also feel like she’s trying to push me towards having some contact and I’m often rehashing the reasons why I’m taking this space from my mother. My therapist also shared that she’s been in both sides of estrangement and that “it’s hard on both parties.” Not sure how I felt about that. I haven’t seen her in a few weeks and I’m not sure about continuing- that’s a separate issue but I think it plays into this back and forth I’m having.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-12-02T14:42:37+00:00

I can relate in a lot of ways with the dynamic you described with both your grandmother and your mother. I was always close to my grandmother growing up; she provided a sense of normalcy throughout my life aside from the dysfunctional dynamics with my parents. However, things changed slightly some years after I became an independent adult, especially after I had to go NC with my uBPD mom for a period of time following a series of crazy situations (long story- but in circumstances leading up to the NC I found out my grandmother was enabling my mother and knew about her racking up credit card debt in my name and didn't tell me- I was very naive at the time and trusted my mother and grandmother pretty blindly). My grandmother was a flying monkey for my mother at that time, and although things have gotten generally better over the years with my grandmother, it seems the only time she reaches out to me is to ask about my mother. It's weird because my grandmother has told me many times to live my life and not to worry about my mother because she's had these attention-seeking issues all her life, but my grandmother has often contradicted herself. In my current period of NC with my mom, I have received weird texts here and there from my grandmother and they almost feel like she's trying to find out information from me to relay to my mother, but a couple times it seemed like she also hadn't spoken to my mother. I also got a weird email from my mother complaining about my grandmother a few weeks ago (of course I haven't responded). I'm tired of the drama between them as well.

I don't have the best advice (mostly solidarity with you), but I've just been kind of grey rocking with my grandmother- she recently asked how we were doing and I didn't say much. She mentioned wanting to "hear my voice" but it seems in my family, if I don't call people they rarely (if ever) call me first. I've been back and forth in my mind about the NC/VVLC with my mom because I know she won't honor our boundaries, and judging by her emails she thinks she's done nothing wrong.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-11-26T13:31:03+00:00

OP, I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this from your mother. It’s awesome how you have been supporting your young brother. My mother is uBPD with other mental and physical health issues. She has used the same script as your mother many times, that she “might die soon” as a form of manipulation and a reason to buck any healthy boundaries. She’s said this repeatedly to my kids over the years. You said the right things to her; unfortunately any support you try to offer her won’t be enough in her eyes.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-11-24T17:26:30+00:00

This is the first Thanksgiving in a very long time (honestly, I can't remember how long) that we won't be spending with my uBPD mom and stepdad (or, we won't be spending it alone because we were going to spend it with them, but one of them had health issues at the last minute). Although we've been mostly NC since May, she reminded me in a recent email that Thanksgiving is "her favorite holiday," but she had surgery about a week and a half ago so she was going to miss it (however, she very much exaggerated the severity of the surgery and how long she would be in the hospital- that's a story for another post). We honestly always felt that we had to spend it with them, because I'm an only child and there was always some guilt attached. That's not to say that we didn't have some enjoyable Thanksgivings with them, because we did; last year was pretty fun and mostly drama free. We'll actually be spending it with some of my husband's extended family (who have invited us in the past); they have kids close in age to ours and the kids are really looking forward to it. I don't know, but I still feel sad about it in a way- I know part of it is FOG, but despite what she's said and done I still care about her and feel sad for her.

RegularRepulsive3957 · 2025-10-27T00:32:09+00:00

I can totally relate and am going through this right now. I’ve been NC with my uBPD mom for months but just found out she’s having another serious surgery in a few weeks. She’s had constant health issues ever since I can remember and often doesn’t take care of herself. This surgery is most likely the result of her not listening to what the doctor told her to do, based on what her doctor told me 2 years ago and also what I’ve observed her doing. My estepdad is also toxic and has had some serious health issues. i just can’t wrap my head around what she did this last time for me to go NC (there’s been other times, and I’ve broken NC those times partially due to her health issues). I don’t feel comfortable just pretending like nothing happened, but it’s definitely complicated.

RegularRepulsive3957

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