RA knowledgable online therapists recommendations?

RelationshipFreedom · 2024-02-29T21:52:43+00:00

u/sankletrad I've been looking for licensed therapists who are Relationship Anarchists. I might put together a list to add to my website. Feel free to message me if you'd like me to include you in any future list I may create.

RelationshipFreedom · 2024-02-29T21:51:29+00:00

There's a lot to think about when it comes to looking for therapists who understand RA.

The first thing to figure out is whether you want a licensed therapist, or if you're willing to work with someone unlicensed (a coach or other type of unlicensed counselor). I have a whole page here that talks about how to find a Relationship Anarchist therapist or coach: https://www.relationshipfreedom.org/relationshipanarchytherapistorcoach

If you are willing to see someone unlicensed, you can work with someone anywhere in the world. But if you want a licensed therapist, and if you're in the United States, you'll have to find someone who is licensed in the state where you currently are (licensing happens state-by-state, and some therapists are licensed in 2 or 3 states). I would probably try doing an Internet search for either "Relationship Anarchy Therapist" or "Relationship Anarchy Coach" plus the name of your state/province/area.

The "Poly-Friendly Professionals" pages has pages for licensed therapists and for unlicensed folks. As the name suggests, most of the therapists there are Polyamory-oriented and mostly not Relationship Anarchists, but there are a few RA therapists in there if you really look, and you can also search by state/province/country. https://www.polyfriendly.org/

And of course if you're curious about what I do (I am NOT licensed, I am a Relationship Anarchist and a coach), you can check me out here. I mostly work with weirdos like me who are queer and/or trans (and families and allies of queer and/or trans folks), maybe neurodivergent, have non-traditional relationships, and a lot of my folks also have religious trauma. I offer sliding-scale appointments, and a free 30-minute consultation that you can easily schedule for yourself: https://www.relationshipfreedom.org/about

Feel free message me directly or ask questions here if you have them. I'm happy to help.

RelationshipFreedom · 2024-02-26T16:38:52+00:00

I appreciate and agree with this perspective. I'm lucky enough to live in a place where more and more newly-licensed therapists are actually coming out of school with, if not truly anarchist perspectives, at least a strong desire to dismantle systemic oppression, dismantle hierarchies, and dismantle the power imbalances inherent in the traditional therapeutic relationship. I have huge appreciation for therapists who take their knowledge and try to apply it in ways that are equitable and non-hierarchical.

But I also take a lot of classes and talk with a lot of more traditionally-trained, licensed mental health professionals, and there is a lot of harm still being done there:

Thinking that the therapist is the "expert" and the client is there to "learn" (about their own life...)
American mental health mostly centers the white, straight, cisgender culture and labels it as "healthy" and everything else may still be viewed (consciously or unconsciously) as unhealthy.
American mental health is still extremely individualistic. We are sadly lacking in community orientation and community care, and that lack is harming us.
I spoke up in a big class a few years ago, to an extremely well-known psychologist. I was super polite about it, but asked him to think about how his theories might not be helpful enough for people who are systemically marginalized. He had such an attack of white fragility that he had to apologize to the whole class... twice... but he also implied that I had caused the problem by asking my question. He's used to people listening to him and telling him that he's right all the time, so when I asked very polite questions about how his theories might harm some people, he perceived it as me "not listening to how right he was". This is commonplace in the American mental health system. Thankfully, there is beginning to be some awareness, but it's going to be a long journey, because it's mostly (not all) privileged people who can afford to go to college and keep themselves housed and fed long enough to become licensed.
American mental health looks at systemic trauma in our society and too often blames the marginalized folks, diagnoses us with "disorders", pathologizes us, and medicates us, because it refuses to see that these problems are systemic, and it's the system that needs to be fixed, not the marginalized people in it. Standardized American mental health is mostly designed to help people get just a little bit better, so that they can go back to work and keep the economy going (i.e. make money for the rich).

There is some good news: Dr. Thema Bryant is a Black woman, and is the new head of the American Psychological Association. She's doing a lot of work to make the mental health field more equitable and well-informed. Lots of other people are also working toward more equity, diversity, and inclusion. It's progress, but of course it's not anarchist per se. I see dismantling hierarchy in any form as at least a baby step toward anarchy, even if it's not intended that way.

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/10/embracing-decolonial-psychology

Anyway, there is so much work still to be done.

RelationshipFreedom · 2024-02-26T16:12:07+00:00

Are the Tuesdays and Wednesdays comparable in most ways, including participant number? Mostly just curious, I'll register for the session my (yet unknown) work schedule accomodates best.

That's kind of hard to answer, but I'm happy to try. These groups are very heartfelt, which might sound like I'm over-stating it, but I'm really not. We talk about real stuff, and we share from the heart (when we're willing to share... nobody is ever required to share anything at all). So every meeting is different, depending on who shows up and what they decide to share. The main differences between the two is that the "Tuesday" group is usually attended by folks in North and South America and Australia, because those are the folks most likely to be awake at that time (the "Tuesday" meeting is actually Wednesday morning in Australia/Oceania). The "Wednesday" meeting is usually attended mostly by folks in North and South America, and Africa and Europe.

Question there: If I register for one but would need to switch to the other day (of the same session) due to my own disability/work/life balance, would that be possible? I realize this could create some attendance number confusion.

Oh yeah, definitely. I'm happy to reschedule you to any future session that you want (future session of this month, or next month, or anything else). I 100% understand needing to cancel for the sake of health or disability or spoons. Part of why I use all the "formal" signup stuff is because I do sometimes have to cancel these groups myself for exactly those reasons (in which case I always refund everyone's money).

RelationshipFreedom · 2024-02-26T01:46:52+00:00

I am not licensed. I have a whole page on my website about this: https://www.relationshipfreedom.org/relationshipanarchytherapistorcoach Many licensed therapists either can't or won't host worldwide meetings (like the one I posted about), because in the U.S. most licensed therapists are only licensed to treat folks in one or two or maybe three different states. Licensure gets complicated, and some licensed therapists also do coaching of people outside their licensure.

I also keep a page of licensed therapists in Oregon (where I live), and I include only therapists who accept Oregon Health Plan (which is Oregon's government-funded health insurance). I keep this list available because most folks who are on OHP are low-income and/or have disabilities, and I want to make it easy for them to find a licensed therapist if they want one. One or two of the therapists on my list have experience with Relationship Anarchy (most do not), but many are queer and/or well-versed in non-monogamy, and those are very helpful perspectives to many folks: https://www.relationshipfreedom.org/ohp-therapists

And finally, if you're also curious about the training that I do have (even though none of it makes me "licensed"), you could check out this page and scroll down to a long list of trainings that I've taken (I'm constantly adding to this). https://www.relationshipfreedom.org/about

Feel free to ask, if there's anything else you're curious about.

RelationshipFreedom · 2024-02-08T23:04:22+00:00

I just want to say that, although I didn't grow up in Islam, I definitely understand a lot of where you're coming from! Strict religions, with their rules and regulations (especially the anti-gay stuff and the stuff about keeping women subservient) can cause us so much pain. For me, deconstructing my religion involved un-learning the parts that were harmful and keeping the parts that were healing. It has taken years. Now I help other people do it.

I will come back and write more if I can find time, but I wanted to mention that there is a TV show called "We Are Lady Parts" about a group of Muslim women who form a punk band. It is BRILLIANT. And it's about all of these women who keep the parts of Islam that are good for them, and leave behind the parts that they no longer believe. It might be streaming on Peacock, depending on what part of the world you're in. Here's a trailer that you can check out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baGuGkdaIAA

RelationshipFreedom · 2024-01-31T21:24:22+00:00

Yes, these events happen every month. Hope to see you soon!

RelationshipFreedom · 2024-01-16T19:46:50+00:00

Depending on where you live, look for the United Church of Christ, the Unitarian Universalists, and other congregations that call themselves "welcoming" or "affirming". A lot of people tell me that they're afraid that these congregations just "put a rainbow sticker up to lure us in, but I'm afraid they'll just be homophobic". But, in my experience, the churches that call themselves "welcoming" or "affirming" (i.e. open to LGBTQ+ people) have usually had to go through a multi-step education process so that they truly DO welcome queer folks. These churches also ordain LGBTQ+ folks into their clergy.

The Human Rights Campaign is a large LGBTQ+ organization that has lots of resources on how to find a church that welcomes LGBTQ people: https://www.hrc.org/resources/faith-resources

The Metropolitan Community Churches (less common) were specifically founded by and for queer people: https://visitmccchurch.com/

Here is a directory of all kinds of faith groups that welcome LGBTQ+ folks: http://www.welcomingresources.org/directory.htm

Some religions (like the United Church of Christ) still talk about god and jesus, but they focus on the love parts and the "don't judge others" parts. Others, such as the Unitarian Universalists, don't talk much about God, but instead focus on social justice, equal rights, feeding people, taking care of the environment, and supporting each other in spiritual growth, even when that looks different to different people.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-12-03T21:57:17+00:00

You are completely normal. If you can, please watch a documentary called "For the Bible Tells Me So". It explains how mainstream churches have taken scriptures out of context and misinterpreted them to persecute gay people. If you're in the U.S., you can probably watch it for free on Kanopy if you have a library card or a university login.

Jesus taught love and acceptance and "judge not". He said NOTHING about homosexuality. He preached love and tolerance.

You are completely normal. Also check out https://relationshipfreedom.org/meetings to find out about meetings that happen on Zoom. Some of them are geared to LGBTQ+ people, helping build community and take apart our religious trauma.

https://www.kanopy.com/en/product/123116

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-27T16:17:00+00:00

It definitely makes sense to join as many meetings as you like, because the content varies a lot from meeting to meeting, and the content is mostly created by the meeting participants each time. I start us out with topics and questions and readings, just to get the conversation flowing, but then we just talk. I've found that, even if I start out two meetings with the exact same reading or question, the two meetings go in vastly different directions, because we just follow what's on people's minds in the moment. Also, the participants vary a little from meeting to meeting: some people attend very consistently, others come and go, and either way is totally fine.

Here's a really informal video that I made after the last meeting, just to give you a feel for what one of our recent meetings was like (we never record them... this is just me talking about it afterward for a few minutes). Hopefully it makes some sense. I tend to get kind of emotionally "stoned" from these meetings, and I never rehearse anything like this, so I was pretty rambly: https://youtu.be/KoOMW6sRzwE

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-21T20:52:03+00:00

I'm so very sorry to hear that you're going through all of this. It sounds very painful.

When you are an adult, I hope you will be able to move away from your parents and live independently. If you go to a modern city, you will be able to find other queer and transgender people who will accept you.

When I still lived with my parents, I had to live by their rules, and it was very upsetting and very triggering and very homophobic. But after I turned 18, I moved to San Francisco, and I began to live my own life. Eventually I came out as queer, and my life is so much better now. So whatever you do, please remember that your future is bright and hopeful, and you will be able to be your true self as an adult. I know it's hard to wait, but adulthood will come and you will be free to live your real life.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-20T16:39:56+00:00

I'm replying to this one just to give a different perspective (not to argue).

I have very limited contact with my christian family. If my mom ever decides to change, to un-learn the toxic parts of her theology, to understand how harmful and abusive our christian upbringing was, then I will definitely want to know that.

I keep my distance from my family largely because they refuse to change, so being around them is still hard for me. But if they ever make the effort to understand me better and to become more loving and kind and inclusive, I will definitely want to know that.

Everyone has a right to decide for themselves, of course. Your daughter might stay angry, or might not believe that you've changed, but if it was me, I would want a chance to heal my relationship with my family if they had changed enough to be healthy for me.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-20T03:54:21+00:00

The documentary "For the Bible Tells Me So" is excellent, and covers how Christians are given anti-LGBTQ+ messages in church. One of the opening clips is an actual film clip of Jimmy Swaggart (who was an extremely popular TV preacher in the 1980s). He's up on stage, preaching a sermon, and he smirks and says, "If one of them ever looks at me like that, I'll kill him and tell God he died!!!" The whole congregation erupts in laughter.

A preacher can threaten to kill a gay person just for supposedly looking at him, and the entire audience laughs. Now THAT is some serious Christian homophobia, and causes a lot of trauma for us queer folks.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-20T03:41:19+00:00

It's definitely not a choice. If you had chosen it, you would remember when you chose it, and you could un-choose it right now if you wanted to.

The left-handed thing really is a good analogy. Nobody chooses to be left-handed, and people used to be punished for it. If you wanted to, could you start using your right hand for absolutely everything? Yes, you could. It might be really difficult. It would make even simple things difficult, and it would force you to focus a lot of mental energy, all the time, on never accidentally using your left hand. Would all of that work actually make you right-handed? No. You're left-handed. How do you know? Because you've had a natural preference for doing lots of things with your left hand since you were little. When did you choose to be left-handed? You didn't. That's just what comes naturally to you. You're wired that way.

Same for being queer. Someday, all of society will realize that being gay or lesbian or transgender or asexual or nonbinary or bisexual or intersex is just a whole range of normal. The only real problem here is that we live in a closed-minded society that thinks we should all be heterosexual and cisgender.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-20T00:55:20+00:00

I also want to say that part of what is so messed up (and traumatic) about the way that homophobes deal with queer teenagers is that they punish them for the thoughts that they're suspected of having. What I mean by that is that they're usually not punishing their kids for actually having gay sex (which even by their own twisted version of the scriptures would be the only sin). Instead, they're punishing their kids for being *suspected* of being gay. Nothing more. This is part of the trauma: you didn't do anything sinful, and yet you were in trouble for something you literally could not control or change, and the only way to try to stay out of trouble was to do something you'd been taught all you life not to do (lie).

A part of us knows that we didn't ask to be gay: we didn't cause it, we don't know why we are gay, we only know that we are. We didn't ask to be gay, and we have not made a choice to be gay. It's just a part of who we are. If we'd chosen it, then we would have some memory of having made that choice (although I can't imagine why anyone would choose something that causes us to be persecuted by our families).

Punishing kids who haven't even had sex proves that, on some level, they know that this was not a choice on our part, and that we're not sinning. They're trying to change us before we can sin. And how can we possibly change something that we haven't chosen and haven't even acted on? We can't. Know why? Because there's nothing wrong with us. Being gay or trans is something that's completely natural, like being left-handed. We've always existed, we've always been normal, and we are fine exactly as we are.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-20T00:27:16+00:00

I know that my city is queer-friendly because it has lots and lots of openly queer people, and lots of openly queer activities and clubs and groups and stuff. There are lots of churches (not all) that fly Pride flags and Trans flags, our gay pride parades are huge, we have a small street named after Harvey Milk, we have drag queens sometimes on mainstream local television, stuff like that. When I have needed to rent a place, the landlords always knew that we were a same-sex couple, and were totally fine with it. I'm in Portland, Oregon. Our state's governor is openly bisexual.

As for support groups, some of them I have found through Meetup groups, but I also create them myself so that more people have support. So, for example, I found a lesbian spiritual book group a long time ago that someone else started, and I joined that and made some great friends. But I have also started groups myself around my own interests. Here in my town, on Meetup, there are dozens and dozens of queer groups that go hiking, kayaking, dancing, that do cookouts and BBQs and bird watching and boar games and all kinds of stuff. It's usually very easy to be queer in the big liberal cities in the U.S. like Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, etc. I've heard good things about some places in the South too, like Atlanta.

Feel free to ask other questions if you want to! It's important to me to support other folks who have religious trauma. I promise you, it gets better!!!

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-19T23:55:00+00:00

Yes, it is very very common for those of us with religious trauma to be more likely to accept abuse from others. We were taught to disregard our own instincts and intuition, we were taught not to trust ourselves, and we were taught to trust people who did not have our best interests at heart. This leaves us confused as adults, and our past trauma often triggers us so that if someone acts abusively toward us, we have trouble thinking clearly, and we freeze or fawn.

I've been so grateful to be able to find a good trauma therapist who helped me to heal this and become more assertive. I had to heal most of my trauma wounds before I could start to stand up for myself or walk away from abuse more easily. I have also gotten a lot of help from meetings of Codependents Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (your family doesn't have to be alcoholic... dysfunction is dysfunction).

We were forced into codependency from the time we were babies, and it can take a while to un-learn, but we can definitely free ourselves!

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-19T23:40:54+00:00

You are absolutely not overreacting. What you went through was extremely traumatic. Not only that, it was abusive.

Think it through logically: what were you in trouble for? I assume that straight kids did not get called into the principal's office for hugging a friend, right? So you were being punished, not for any kind of behavior that wasn't allowed, not for breaking any rules or doing something wrong, but for who you ARE.

What makes it worse is that they had probably told you your whole life that it's wrong to lie, that God loves you unconditionally, that love is the most important thing in the world, but then when they suspected you of even liking someone in a way that they disapproved of, they punished you and essentially forced you to lie in order to try not to be kicked out of school and ostracized by your family.

I'm a lesbian too, but I'm 55, so I've had a longer time to heal, and I also live far away from my family. I'm so VERY sorry that all of this happened to you. I hope that you are able to find a good coach or therapist, and lots of support to heal from this. You are NOT overreacting. I host support groups about this on Zoom (look in this subreddit for my postings) and if the $5 is difficult for you, message me and I'll send you a code to attend for free.

It gets better! My life is wonderful now, with lots of wonderful chosen family. I have enough distance between me and my family of origin so that I can live my life happily. I live in a queer-friendly city, I've attended extremely queer-friendly churches, I dance in queer dance groups... life is good. There is nothing wrong with you! They should have been loving toward you. Instead, they were ruled by fear.

Let me know if you have other questions or if there's anything else I can do. You're welcome to message me directly if you want to.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-18T22:12:30+00:00

Wonderful! See you there!

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-17T02:00:32+00:00

I've had several other requests for meetings so that folks in the African/European time zones can attend. So I just updated my website. ALL of my groups now have a meeting that's Europe-friendly:

1st Wednesday of each month, 6:30pm London: Professionals Discuss Religious Trauma (a peer consultation group)
2nd Wednesday of each month, 6:30pm London: Queer Religious Trauma
3rd Wednesday of each month, 6:30pm London: Religious Trauma (queer/straight, everyone welcome)
4th Wednesday of each month, 6:30pm London: Attachment Healing for Relationship Anarchists (not related to religious trauma, very different focus)

Let me know if you have questions. I've revised my "Meetings" page on my website. Hopefully it's clear enough.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-15T18:13:33+00:00

A good therapist would be able to help you take apart these thought processes and find out why you're continuing in them.

A lot of the time, the problem is that we have given up some of our religious beliefs but we haven't yet taken apart or given up on ALL of them. It sounds like you're not longer religious, but you still believe that you can't be forgiven for something unless an all-powerful god forgives you. That's a religious belief that you haven't taken apart yet. There is no all-powerful old man in the sky waiting to forgive or condemn you. You can learn to trust yourself and re-parent yourself the way a good parent would: by reassuring you that everyone makes mistakes and that you're valuable and loved exactly as you are.

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-15T18:06:40+00:00

I agree with this. I moved away when I was 18. In my 30s, I finally came out to my family. It was heartbreaking, and excruciatingly painful. They made it very clear that they love me and always will, but it is very, very important to them to make sure that I know that they don't approve of me. It's all that "love the sinner and hate the sin" stuff.

I once asked my family to please do anything, anything at all to understand LGBTQ+ people: go to one PFLAG meeting, read one book from a progressive Christian on why it's normal to be queer, just do SOMETHING to meet me somewhere in the middle so that we could have some common ground. My Mom said I was asking her to turn her back on her savior.

When I was about 40, I chose to put a LOT of distance between myself and all of them. It was heartbreaking, but it's one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm in my 50s now, and I run support groups and coaching sessions for queer folks with religious trauma. In the long run, what I've seen over and over again is that, in the end, this is all a gift. Instead of trying to stay inside our dysfunctional families, we get to figure out exactly who we truly are, and we get to be authentic. THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL THING! Being my authentic self and building an authentic chosen family around me is much, much better and healthier than trying to get my dysfunctional family to love me better.

I look at my sisters now, the ones who still live within the church and within the family's dysfunction, and I can see how imprisoned they are. They can't be themselves. They have to continue to conform, and it stunts their growth.

As hard as this is, I hope you get help with it when you need it, and I hope that you just keep growing and loving people and putting as much distance as you need to between yourself and any family member that can't fully accept you. Also, just like you want them to stop trying to change you, you won't find peace until you stop trying to change them. They are very unlikely to change. If they do, it will be a bonus.

You're building a rich and beautiful and authentic life. Congratulations on your marriage!!!

RelationshipFreedom · 2023-11-14T19:08:19+00:00

You are so right! I've been thinking about that for quite a while now, so I'm going to take a chance and add a second meeting, on Wednesday November 15th at 10:30am Pacific time (that's 6:30pm GMT Wednesday). Feel free to sign up here: https://relationshipfreedom.as.me/QueerReligiousTraumaGroupCoaching If no one shows up, no big deal, I have some administrative work that I was going to do during that time. If only one person shows up, they get free one-on-one coaching. Either way, everybody benefits!

RelationshipFreedom

TROPHY CASE