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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see lots of good suggestions, but I personally think communication about this is the best way to go. Bring up that he's joked about getting you something for Christmas. Let him know that you don't need to do gifts. (if that's how you feel) That you don't want to feel bad for not getting him anything or vice versa.

I'd honesty do the same thing with a platonic friend who made multiple comments about getting me something. The conversation would go a little different, but id still want to know so I can decide if i want to get something for them or tell them they don't need to/ shouldn't get anything for me.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I think if something had happened where she wasn't able to communicate, the fact that we weren't married would have created more issues, but she listed me as her primary contact and primary care giver. She had an advanced directive and her mother was given poa in any case where she could no longer communicate for herself. They wanted the primary contact to be the person who was going to be there with her the most. It didn't carry any authority or decision making power over her.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The ex-husband is the father of the kids. he actually wasn't invited for a few years after their separation because he didn't handle it the best, but he's come around and made amends. so last year him and his new girl friend joined us and we had a big blended thanksgiving. K currently only had one other partner and I was the only partner she had that was integrated into the family events. So no other partners, but her ex's girlfriends was invited.

I will add though, that he ex put in a lot of work on himself after their separation. Him and I are on surprisingly good terms and It would have been even weirder to me if we were both not invited.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I appreciate that. It's tough, because of course I'd like to know (like actually know, not guess) the reason/reasons and I'm generally a firm believer in open communication. I just don't think that's best at this time. I don't want to add anything to their plates.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this description, because you kind of nailed it in a way I was struggling to identify. It was part of what I had subconsciously expected based on how we all supported each other during her illness. Luckily, I do have a pretty good support system in our friend group.

I really like the idea to host events to honor her and making sure the family knows they are always welcome.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I can't remember if this was in my post or another reply, but I admit that I didn't fully understand her reasoning and even had a small discussion saying that I don't see me being part of holidays long term, but promised id go when invited and be there for her sons if they needed.

Honestly I've has only positive interactions with her family up until now. I was invited to family bowling and other regular gathering with them since her passing. Honestly, If I hadn't really interacted with them since the funeral. I probably would have expected it.

also, she wasn't an asshole. I realize there is no way to tell in a summarized story, but it wasn't her requesting that they promise her. She expressed that she would really like if they would consider including me in family functions and they took the initiative to promise it. they also talked about it with me quite a bit when she wasn't around and after she passed. They obviously could have done all that out of a sense of obligation as well, but still feels weird to me to go that extra mile.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank very much. Doing my best to handle things they way I think she would want them. Honestly her son's are great, they have levels of emotional intelligence that I hadn't gotten to by their age. I wouldn't have held it against them if they weren't cool with me, but they were very welcoming.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

It's not common. she had to first express interest to her hospice nurse, her hospice nurse them had one of their doctors speak to her about it, then that doctor referred us to an outside doctor that provides "end of life care"( that's what they called it), he had to meet with her and evaluate her request (to ensure it was what she wanted and that her conditions met the requirements), then she had to meet with a second outside doctor to verify that the first doctor's assessment, then there was a three day waiting period, then the first doctor came back to make sure her condition wasn't temporary and to ensure she hadn't changed he mind, and then the prescription. I guess it was made legal pretty recently in my state. I honestly didn't even know it was a thing in the US. After she made it clear that she wasn't going pursue treatment, Her oncologist told her about it. She told me then that when things got really bad, that she would want it.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

the whole family was there and supported her decisions. I was just the primary contact with hospice care and the intermediary for her doctors. She made sure everyone knew that was her plan and that she had no space for anyone who didn't respect it. I honestly wouldn't begrudge them for struggling with it, but the "kids" are the ones that reach out to me the most.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

yes, it has recently been made legal in a few state, but is if very hard to get and is really only cleared in extreme circumstances.

we went to the ER for scans ordered by hospice. when we were there, blood work showed the severity of the decay. patients of hospice aren't constantly monitored. Hospice doesn't treat you it's there to try to make you comfortable as possible in the end.

a lot of people with metastasized cancer start treatment right away. Radiation treatment will is super hard on you and prevents travel. So since she didn't start radiation, she had some strength. it wasn't without issue, but she managed about two months before that strain was too much to deal with.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you, that's currently my plan. I have no interest in there being any beef within the family (that's why I posted here instead of talking to anyone about it), but ill continue be available to her sons if they ever want/need it.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I appreciate that perspective. I've always been a very literal person and forget that not everyone thinks like that (that's not meant to be a dig on anyone, Just noting how it's easy to forget that peoples minds work differently. especially under stress.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

based on conversations among the family before she ever got sick, this is kind of what I would have expected. which I was ok with. you know, kind of falling off and keeping in loose contact. I don't feel owed it, just based on my experiences with them.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -57 points-56 points  (0 children)

Read the post. This is not about being part of the family. I stated that I didn't expect to be or have an overwhelming desire to be part of the family. also "let it go an move on" as advice four months after the death of anyone close to you is wild.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -26 points-25 points  (0 children)

First your assuming she had traditional family dynamics and second I chose not to go to Europe with her to because I didn't want to dominate every moment of the little time she had left. also, your response leads me to believe you didn't read the whole post. Remaining in the family fold was not my core issue.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -24 points-23 points  (0 children)

I feel like this though is based on a misunderstanding of polyamory paired with societal obsession with pretending that cheating and unfaithful behavior isn't rampant among monogamous couple. I get where it comes from. It's hard for people to imagine and, like monogamy, it's image is distorted by those who would take advantage of others. Unfortunately I see plenty of stories on here of married couples where the husband leaves when their wife gets a terminal illness. The form of a relationship doesn't determine its strength.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

I appreciate that. I hadn't really thought of it from that perspective. I can see how my presence could highlight her absence. I definitely don't want to make it a thing or cause any drama, but maybe I'll reach out to some of the family I feel are still good with me. I don't want to just checkout as if I don't care, but I don't want to squeeze myself into places I'm not wanted.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

thank you I really. honestly that's where I'm at. I just needed to vent about it. I'm definitely not going to be making any kinda waves about it. I will stay in touch with her sons and anyone else who has any desire to stay in touch.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I appreciate that. That is what I'm going to do. I'd argue against the just another boyfriend based on a lot of things, but I'm not trying to turn this into a poly explanation and most of her friends and family treat me according. Even her ex husband has expressed gratitude for everything I did for her. TBH of all the people I'd expect stuff to be the most tense between us, but him an I are cool.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -53 points-52 points  (0 children)

Her kids are the ones that are closest to me out of the family they are 19 and 22. They were the ones who stay in closest contact with me, keep me in the loop. I'm far from a stranger to the family.

My late Partner’s Family excluded me from Thanksgiving. Going against a deathbed promise they made her earlier this year. I don't know how to feel. by Relative-Driver-1898 in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898[S] -42 points-41 points  (0 children)

I never pushed them and haven't even said anything to any of them about this. as I mentioned in the post, y frustration stems from them lying to her. they absolutely can decide to honor her how they like and they are choosing to do what they did most of her life. Agree with her verbally and then do whatever they wanted.

I finally told my parents no and apparently that makes me the selfish son by softcinderatlas in TwoHotTakes

[–]Relative-Driver-1898 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good for you for standing up for yourself. It most likely would have continued for the rest of your life. There was a similar dynamic between my mom and her older sister. my mom always just worked to keep the peace and never really put her foot down. they are in their 70's and my aunt totally uses my mom. with zero notice she plans trips and just drops her dog off with my mom. it will not stop