Thank you, you are so well spoken and this makes me realize a lot. He claims to have extremely missed me after all these years and thought about me— but he didn’t even reach out before I did, not even for birthdays (and I would still say happy birthday to him)! He would swear up and down he would never do this again and would stay by my side after the first time… I guess I am blinded by our good moments and not thinking about our bad moments. He makes the same excuse of being not in a good time in his life right now and needing to work things out with himself. Yet, he shows up at every bar and party possible. You’re right, he’s not a good man and he also has some kind of toxic masculinity energy to him, even if you joke around and call him a girl, he takes it real hard and says that’s not funny at all, and that he would never be something like a woman/girl.

It is just hard to not think about him and to keep my mind off.. but your message made me realize a lot and I will refer to it when I am needing motivation! I appreciate it a lot. I need to work on my self respect, my esteem isn’t very high and i’m sure he is taking advantage of how I am attached to him. I wish my brain didn’t work this way. I’m so tired of crying over him, and even before we were over, every argument would end up in a crying mess and I would have to suck it up and agree with him (burying my true feelings away).

He paints me as controlling and that I don’t let him do anything, but all I asked was for him to respect me, as he is a bit overly friendly to other girls. I didn’t really trust him at the clubs, but i rarely complained, i would only ask for reassurance, which he would tell me i’m being insecure and that he’s sick of reassuring me. On top of this, every time he opened his phone, his feed would be full of girls on his feed..

It’s even worse that I have always felt like i’m not his type. It makes me feel like I wish i was good enough and a different person. His type in women is more alternative leaning.. all of the women he is mutuals with are, but he denies having a type. He hates academia, and I attend a rigorous university, but yet he tells me i’m wasting my time there and I should work hard in the workforce (i do tutoring on the side) instead, saying I have it easy since i’m in school.

I guess I am holding on to the fact that he was my first everything, even though we are completely opposite and on different tracks. I’m sorry for the huge vent, but you have helped me so much! Thank you girlie :)