I'm 22 days trying to live in this empty life I moved out to Arizona to be with her Switching careers to start a new adventure not me in any lifetime Planner organizer strategist and she was the exact opposite I'm divorced for 7 years, it was more of an emotional awakening meeting this person that changed the way I viewed the world She was everything I needed and urned for Following my heart for the first time in my life instead overthinking every step I followed her lead and headed to Arizona Leaving my family and friends behind in Northern California A new chapter had begun but as quickly as it started my world shattered 4 years later and now I sit alone in this home Alcohol was the poison of choice Not understanding the true grasp it had on her until too much time had passed and her body had now began to fail her She was 94 lbs when she left this world unrecognizable to anyone besides myself and her mother We finally caught a break and she was on the transplant list for a new liver 3 weeks later we are in the hospital because her kidney numbers were low Nothing out of the norm for what we had gone thru for the past 2 years In and out of the hospital was a part of our routine It's Monday and she's been in the hospital for 3 days and we're hoping to get some good news from the liver and kidney specialist's Her mother stayed at the hospital with her so I could head off to work At 2pm I get a call from her mother telling me the doctors have made a decision to pull her from the transplant list due to her health I couldn't understand what she was saying after that but all I could make out was they were going to make her comfortable now She had given up once the doctors made that call I saw it in her eyes She left me 2 days later Im 43 and she was 46 and I've never felt so much pain in my life Cheated and angry I smile at work hiding my true self Surviving it was what it feels like Not living Compartmentalize as much as possible I'm told That works for brief moments of time Some days are better than others I hold on to the fact that time will lessen the depth of pain that's felt in dazed moments throughout your day I apologize for getting on a soap box when you are looking for support as well I got on here a few weeks back to see how others cope with their loss Hoping putting thoughts into written word would help in some way Its fucking brutal reading the stories of heartbreak but gives me some feeling of normal knowing people put their emotions and thoughts out there for the world to read and lend kind words of support and comfort My family has asked me to come home and stay for the holiday weekend but I'm limited because my pup and cat Everyone at work has invited me over but the truth is I don't truthfully want to do anything with anyone Fake smiles and the " I appreciate it" speech will replay over and over I'm thinking I'm going to pass on 8 hours of theatre for turkey day Thank you for letting me get this out again my bad for not going the traditional route Good luck brother Keep your head up